You, Me & Everything In Between
by tekken4life
Summary: A heart is the only thing that can be broken over and over again.  Major Kogan, rated M for later chapters.  Please R&R
1. Chapter 1

**Chapter 1: The Broken Deal**

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Big Time Rush or any of the characters.

**Author's Note:** This story is dedicated to my dear friend **knightales**, who gave me the inspiration and encouragement to write this story. Love you friend! This story is also dedicated to those who know what it's like to have your heart broken by the one person who will hold it forever.

'A hundred hearts would be too few

To carry all my love for you'

Anonymous

"Kendall?"

"Yeah?"

"I love you." Kendall Knight gave a weary sigh as he positioned his naked body to an upright sitting position on the bed. "How many times have I told you not to say that?" he said jadedly, his gaze firmly fixed away from the chocolate eyes of Logan Mitchell. "I'm sorry" whispered Logan softly. He was hoping for some sort of reaction on the blonde's part, but his optimism immediately collapsed upon itself. Kendall hadn't said anything to him since they had started their little arrangement, so his present silence wasn't much of a surprise. He looked up at Kendall, who was now rolling his neck, indifferent to the blatant affection shown to him by the brunette. "Look Logan, I've been meaning to tell you something." Logan looked up, hoping against hope, that he the words he so longed to hear would be uttered. "Maybe we should stop this," said Kendall quietly. The brunette rolled his eyes dejectedly. "That's what you said the last time too."

"I mean it this time." The blonde stood up and started to search for his scattered clothes across the room. "Jo and I… I mean, if she ever found out, if anyone found out-"

"I know the consequences." Kendall froze momentarily as his T-shirt hid the sight of his golden body away from the world. He wanted to offer some kind of condolence to Logan, but the words evaded him. It never ceased to amaze him how the two of them started sleeping together, but one thing was for sure: it had to end here. He slid into his underwear and jeans, before grabbing his car keys from Logan's table opposite the bed. "See you at school tomorrow?" he asked nonchalantly, not even bothering to turn around. "Yeah."

Logan stared up at the ceiling until he heard the engine of Kendall's car come to life. He gazed out of the window to see the crimson sun blaze the sky orange as it dipped below the horizon. Only then did he allow the devastating grief laying dormant in his heart to come to life. Maybe Kendall was right, maybe it did have to stop. It hurt too much to have to continually lay your heart and soul out to the one you love, only to have it flung back in your face. A tear as lonesome as himself percolated from the cocoa depths of his eyes and ran a salty path down his cheek. "I love you" was the only thought that echoed in the recesses of his mind. He turned to his side and brushed his hand over the rumpled sheets where Kendall had lain. He closed his eyes and reminisced about the hour that had just passed: how Kendall crudely locked his lips onto his own; how he had allowed himself to be so submissive as Kendall's length continually shoved itself deeper and deeper into his body. He winced as he remembered how their bodies shuddered together in orgasm, both of them speaking fluently in a language of pleasurable moans. Try as he might, he could not get the hockey captain out of his system. Kendall Knight was his drug, and he was addicted for life.

_SIX MONTHS EARLIER_

Had anyone ever told Logan Mitchell that he was going to fall head over heels for the most popular guy at Palm Wood High, he would have punched them in the face. Or hit them with his physics textbook, whichever was harder. He might not have had any luck with girls in his coy lifetime, but that didn't stop him from admiring them. He was a quiet guy, always keeping to himself, shunning the racy teenage lifestyle at the school for the calm solitude of its libraries. He wasn't a nerd - he took great offense to that. He got along with everyone at school, seamlessly blending in with all the social subsets. But no one is immune to the vicissitudes of high school: while Logan remained on good terms with everyone, he never really came into his own. He was always in the background, a forgotten face amongst the crowds.

The loneliness never really bothered him. His schoolwork always kept him busy. He spent all his free time trying to hone his already perfect grades to fulfill his dream of becoming a chemical engineer. That all changed when he saw Kendall Knight up close for the first time. He had always seen the popular jock in passing in the halls, or in the English class they shared, but never really paid attention to him. When he got paired up with the blonde for a forgettable poetry assignment, he thought it would be business as usual: they would work together to complete the stupid thing, hand it in, and never have any contact with each other again, apart from the occasional 'hey' or friendly jerk of the head. Never in his most far-flung thoughts did he think that he'd be meeting the person who would be the object of his deep devotion – and the person who would break his heart into jagged little shards.

It started out innocently enough. Kendall was the kind of guy who could make you feel like you were the only person in the world that mattered when he was with you. His charisma and extrovert persona charmed the shy brunette to no end. During their afternoons of working together, the hockey captain often invaded the secluded mind of the bookworm. The brunette often wondered what twist of fate made them get paired up for this, seeing as he was a social nobody and Kendall was the king of the school. In the night, just before he fell off to sleep, he'd think of the blonde – not in any specific way, just think about him. Slowly but surely Kendall Knight unknowingly wound his way into his English partner's subconscious, becoming somewhat of a silent obsession to him. It wasn't until one fateful day that Logan realized how deeply he had fallen. The funny thing was Kendall didn't do anything out of the ordinary. He didn't save Logan's life, or give him a ride home, or even pay any excess attention to him. He simply walked through the school door. Logan had looked up from the small printed words of his textbook, and felt his heart do a flip a gymnast would have been proud of. The sunlight wove itself in the hockey player's short golden locks as he flashed out his usual knee-buckling smile. His emerald eyes sparkled as they laid themselves upon his girlfriend Jo, the love of his life. As he watched his perfect lips meet hers, Logan felt a sharp pain develop in his chest. His eyes widened in horror as realization finally made its long awaited visit to him: he had fallen in love with Kendall Knight.

That night as he lay in bed, Logan turned restlessly from side to side, pondering on the dilemma that was his feelings. How could have them in the first place? He wasn't gay. Sure, he didn't have a steady girlfriend since the eighth grade, and had been single for the better part of his high school career, but that didn't mean he batted for the other team… did it? "And yet, he still found his way into you didn't he?" said a small voice in his head. Yes, he did. Kendall had struck a chord so deep within him; he feared it might never right itself.

"You've been acting weird" stated Kendall unexpectedly on the afternoon before the project was due. "Huh?" Logan looked up from his notebook. His meticulous notes on Shakespeare's sonnets might have well been written in Cantonese since none of it made sense to him now. Then again, nothing made sense when he was this close to Kendall. The blonde snorted in good humor. "I said you've been acting weird."

"I haven't."

"Yeah you have. You've been quiet this entire time."

"I'm always quiet Kendall." Kendall smiled at the brunette, who gulped nervously. "Not around me." Logan blushed scarlet. "We should really get back to this; we don't have a lot of time-"

"What's wrong Mitchell?" Logan felt his heart beat out rapid thumps against his chest. "No- nothing." Kendall leaned in closer. Logan stared down at the neat handwriting of his notebook. Had he really made it that obvious? "Come on Mitchell, tell me." The blonde gently grabbed his wrist in compassion, causing the bookworm's breaths to come out in short, soft gasps. He swung his head to Kendall and saw a playful concern set itself on his face. "I... I… I can't" stammered Logan, praying that Kendall would back off. The hockey captain frowned slightly. "Why not?"

"I just can't."

"OK then." Kendall grabbed Logan's notebook from out of his hands and flung it across the mahogany table of the Mitchell dining room. "Hey, what'd you do that for?" protested Logan. "We need to get this assignment done by today." Kendall smirked playfully. "We're not going to do anything until you tell me what your deal is."

"I told you, I can't!"

"Why not?" Logan stared down pointedly. Kendall raised an eyebrow at him in thought. "Does it have anything to do with me?" he asked. As if on its own accord, Logan's head nodded. Kendall pressed on further. "So what? Do you hate my guts or something?"

"No" was the quiet reply. Kendall gave a short chuckle. "Then what, are you in love with me Mitchell?" he asked jokingly. Silence followed as Logan's eyes darted around the room nervously. Again, Logan lost all voluntary control of his body as his mouth opened to give an answer. "Yes." Kendall stared at the brunette with raised eyebrows and a slightly open mouth before breaking into hard bout of laughter. Logan shut his eyes in pain and waited for him to stop. "Good one" said the blonde breathlessly, clapping his open hand on Logan's back. As he was about to go back to his notes, Logan grabbed him by the collar and forcefully pressed his lips onto the blonde's. The achingly soft petals of his lips begged for the blonde to respond in kind. Kendall withdrew his hand from Logan's back and froze up in his chair. "What the fuck" he thought. He placed his hands on Logan's arms and brusquely pushed him away. "Get the fuck away from me fag" he growled angrily. He stormed out of the house, letting the door slam loudly behind him. Logan stared down at his fingers quietly. "What have I done?"

Logan completed the assignment by himself that night, and handed it in the next day, splitting the credit equally between him and Kendall. He avoided the hockey captain and headed straight for the library after school. He wanted to die of humiliation after yesterday. Why the hell did he have to go and kiss him? Soon, the entire school would know, and there would be no way of escaping all of the secret gossiping and catcalling in the hallways. Not to mention, his parents would probably forever hide in shame if they ever found out that their trophy son with perfect grades kissed another boy. He hated himself for feeling this way towards Kendall, and even more so for having kissed him. He should have known better that there was no possible way that the hockey captain felt the same way. It was just a saccharine fantasy.

It came as a surprise when Kendall walked up to him in English class two weeks later. Logan fearfully looked up before averting his gaze elsewhere. Kendall bent down so that the he forced the brunette to look him straight in the eye. "Meet me after school by my car" he said plainly. "We need to talk." Logan nodded and dropped his head apologetically. How he made it through the rest of the day was a mystery to him. His brain went on autopilot as he kept wondering about what Kendall wanted to talk about. "Maybe he doesn't want to talk" he thought. "Maybe he just wants to beat me senseless." His insides turned cold with fear. Kendall didn't seem the type of person to resort to violence, but what if he did? "I deserve it" he thought guiltily.

Soon after the final bell had rung for the day, Logan made his way down to Kendall's car as he had promised. He admired the sleek finish of the silver Mercedes C200. According to what he had heard, Kendall had gotten it the day after he received his driver's license. "Lucky guy" thought Logan. His head perked up at the sound of approaching footsteps. He turned around to see a serious Kendall staring blankly at him. "You came" he said, his voice expressionless. Logan looked at him bemusedly. "You asked me to come, remember?"

"Yeah, but I didn't think you'd show." Logan shifted uncomfortably on his feet. "So what did you want to talk about?"

"What happened two weeks ago." Logan was shocked at the lack of hesitation that Kendall showed. Given how they last left off things, Kendall shouldn't have even been talking to him. Kendall noticed the brunette's worried ruminations and took a step forward. "Did you mean it?" Logan looked up sharply. "Mean what?"

"That you loved me." A paralyzing nausea began to grow inside Logan. Was Kendall really asking him this? "Yeah" he said softly. "I did." Kendall raised his eyebrows as he examined Logan. The brunette grew nervous under the scrutinizing gaze. "Look, I'm sorry I kissed you. It never should have happened."

"And yet it did." Kendall took another step forward. "I'll make a deal with you." Logan tilted his head in confusion. Kendall gave him a half smile. "I won't tell anyone about what happened or your feelings for me." Logan bit his bottom lip. "In exchange for what?" he asked. Kendall artfully raised an eyebrow. "Sleep with me." Adrenaline pumped through Logan's body. He must have heard the hockey captain incorrectly. He definitely did not say 'sleep'. "What?"

"Sleep with me" said Kendall simply. Logan tried wrapping his head around the situation. "You want me to sleep with you?" Kendall smirked to show his acceptance. "But.. you're straight" said Logan, desperately trying not to give into his dizziness. "And what about Jo?"

"I am straight. And Jo doesn't have to know." Logan shook his head to try and clear it. "How can you sleep with me and still say you're straight?"

"Mitchell, I'm not proposing to you. All I'm asking for is a little fun on the side." He walked right up to the quivering brunette. "The way I see it , it's a win-win for both of us. Actually more for you than me." Logan turned his head away. This was all happening so fast. He wanted to be with Kendall, but like this? To be blackmailed? Kendall gave him a smug look. "Going once" he said softly. "Going twice…" Logan turned around furiously. "Fine. I'll do it."

"Sold."

That afternoon Logan lost his virginity to the hockey captain. He didn't know if he did it willingly or not, he just did. As he lay in bed, he thought about what had happened. He could still feel Kendall's hands roaming all over his naked body, setting him on fire. The sound of Kendall's lusty moan as his climax drew near was still fresh in his mind. He could still feel the aftermath of his own sweet carnal release as his body convulsed underneath the blonde's. He wanted more. He wanted Kendall to be right there with him, ravishing him with licentious abandon. Sleeping with Kendall Knight only furthered his desire.

As much as he wouldn't admit it, Logan had enjoyed his tryst with the blonde. And as much as he enjoyed it, he often wondered whether it would be a once-off deal. As he walked around the school in those following weeks, his ears were carefully scanning the drone of conversation around him for any sign of his name. He always breathed a sigh of relief when he reached his locker, indicating that no one knew about him and Kendall. Unpredictably, Kendall himself didn't treat him much differently. Logan, hoping for some sort of secret smile or wink, was sadly disappointed. Kendall seemed to lose all interest in the world around him when he was with Jo.

But the afternoons were his and his alone. Together, Logan and Kendall created a private oasis of lust and headiness whenever they got together. Initially, their meetings were infrequent, happening only at Kendall's command. Logan couldn't help being captured by it, by him. Kendall Knight was everything he wasn't, everything he wanted to be, and couldn't believe that his love craved the company of his own body. As time grew on, Logan became more confident, even dragging the jock off for a private make out session in the locker room one day. Each day he fell deeper and deeper in the giddy swirl of his own emotions, craving Kendall like the air he breathed. As he did, he began to break the cardinal rule of casual sex: he got emotionally involved. For the brunette, sex was a physical manifestation of the deep desire a person held in their heart for someone else. Kendall might be using him, but he didn't care. He needed the blonde to know how he felt. That's when the 'I love you's' started. Kendall had politely ignored them at first, preferring to silently bask in the flushed glow after their lovemaking, but it soon became a nuisance to him. "Why the hell do you keep saying that?" he asked sternly one day. "Because it's true."

"Look Mitchell, I'm not gay OK? Whatever we have going on here, it doesn't involve love or anything like that." Logan wanted to ask him why he didn't sleep with Jo, because he seemingly loved her so much, but thought against it. The fact that Kendall was here with him seemed to satisfy him for now. He'd make do with what he had.

_PRESENT DAY_

Logan ignored the distant call of his name from the living room, indicating his parents' arrival from work. In making do with empty moments that were mere snippets of his fantasy, he'd starved himself of what he'd wanted for so long. "I'm such an ass" he thought desolately. Ever since Kendall had first spoken out against his post-sex confessions of love, he'd knew that there twisted relationship would come to an end. Kendall had other priorities, mainly Jo. He'd probably go to the same college as her, marry her and settle down and fulfill that stereotypical family ideal, complete with a white picket fence, two kids and a Labrador. Logan would stay forgotten, unable to move on from something that wasn't really there to begin with: something that he had purposely deluded himself into believing. As the orange sky faded into black, Logan felt an unfathomable sense of dark melancholy fill the empty void where his heart had been.

**Thank you for taking the time to read. Please review and tell me what you thought **


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2: The Tale Of Two Logans**

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Big Time Rush or any of the characters.

**Author's Note:** A big thank you to everyone who read the story, added it to their Story Alerts and asked for more. This will be a full blown out story, but I'd like to take the time to develop it as fully as possible. Your reviews really encourage and help me out a lot so please keep them coming!

'Trip over love, you can get up. Fall in love and you fall forever.'

Anonymous

Logan stared blankly out of the thick glass of the school bus window. Outside, Mother Nature sympathized with his despondent mood and let the heavens bless the dry earth of Los Angeles with their sky-borne water. He let out a small breath of misery. He was still wounded from Kendall's desire to stop sleeping with him yesterday. The blonde had said it before, but immediately relapsed for some reason. However, this time he meant it – Logan could feel it. Of course, it wouldn't mean much to the hockey captain. He would move on with Jo, and let the charming consequences of denial sweep away any memory of the sordid affair with the bookworm. Logan, on the other hand, would be trapped in his memories, deceiving himself that the lust he shared with Kendall was actually love. It was a double-edged sword: reliving those afternoons were like stabbing himself with a knife, but it got him through the inability to accept that the fact that he was not loved by the blonde, or anyone else for that matter.

"Excuse me, is this seat taken?" A clear, sunny voice disturbed Logan's depressive ruminations. The brunette looked up to see a girl he'd never seen before smile expectantly at him. Her long brown tresses were wet from the heavy rain outside and clung limply to her small shoulders. Her eyes twinkled gently at him, exuding warmth and kindness. Her colorful clothes suggested an aura of peculiarity. Logan stared at her momentarily before fumbling to place his bag in front of his feet. "Uh, no, it's not taken." She gratefully placed herself next to him and unceremoniously dropped her satchel in the aisle. "Thanks. Lovely weather we're having huh?"

"Yeah, I was thinking of ditching school for a swim." Her delicate laugh rang through his ears like a wind chime's ring. Logan looked at her again. There was something about this girl that intrigued him, despite his deplorable mood. Even though he'd known her for about twenty seconds, her bubbly charm seemed to rub off on him a little. "I haven't seen you before" he said to the girl, who was now absentmindedly twirling her mahogany hair around her fingers. "Are you new here?"

"Yeah. My name's Camille Roberts." She extended her hand. Logan shook it gently. "Logan Mitchell. So when did you transfer to Palm Wood High?"

"About a week ago."

"A week? This is the first time I'm seeing you, and I catch the bus everyday." She gave another sparkling laugh. "Today's my first day on the bus. My mom's been dropping me off."

The bus ride seemed to pass quicker with Camille at Logan's side. Her animated personality interested the brunette because she was so different from him. Her unabashed enthusiasm countered the bookworm's introvert nature. In the twenty minutes they'd known each other, Logan discovered that Camille Roberts was a drama student, and like him, a senior. "Why'd you transfer in your senior year?" he asked as they were getting off the bus. She smiled, waiting for him to catch up to her. "My dad got a promotion to his company's head office in L.A. He really wanted to take it, so we packed up, left Boston, and here we are." Logan smiled slightly at her. "OK, don't take this the wrong way, but if I lived in Boston, I'd probably want to leave too." She stopped suddenly and stared furiously at him. "Don't you ever say anything bad about Boston in front of me, you hear?" she hissed, her finger repeatedly jabbing Logan in the chest. His eyes widened in panic. "No, that's not what I-" Her face immediately lightened into a wide grin as she covered her hand with her mouth while laughing. "I'm just kidding. I hated it there." Logan silently let out a relieved sigh as they walked into the dirty white hall of the school. It might have been Camille's luminous disposition or the fact that someone was paying attention to him for once, but he felt a minute levity overcome him and temporarily displaced Kendall Knight out of his mind.

Through the raindrop-speckled window of his car, the hockey captain watched the brunette enter through the school door with the new girl beside him. From his intrusive observation, it seemed like Logan relished her company. A small pang of guilt made its malevolent presence known in his stomach. Yesterday wasn't easy for him. He knew that the six months he'd spent sleeping with the brunette would now slip from reality into mere wisps of smoky memory. As he got out of his silver Mercedes, the rain bulleted through his clothes with surprising force, but he didn't care. His mind was somberly occupied by Logan Mitchell. The brunette was a dangerous temptation, unknowingly alluring in his inconspicuous nature. Sex with him was an addictive high that the blonde could just not get enough of. A wry smile played on his bee-stung lips as he recalled the deal they had made. Initially, he'd done it out of an arrogant flattery. Hordes of girls swooning over him was a certainty, but to know that he was attractive to a man? That was a definitely an ego boost. Somewhere along the profligate line, that had changed to a raw connection. He was astounded by the sheer depth of the brunette's devoted affection for him; something which he could not return. Whether he wanted to or not was a question best left unanswered to him: his perfect world would start to unravel around him if he did seek any answers. He never knew someone could love that deeply, and love him in spite of having being written off so many times. The truth was that Logan Mitchell scared the hockey captain. He was scared that he would one day need the bookworm as much as he needed him and define something beyond the boundaries of emotionless sex. In an abstemious effort to try and save himself from his perceived fall from grace, the blonde had called off the affair. His attempt had failed miserably, and he immediately resumed the deal the following day. But something had changed yesterday. His phobia had conquered the shameless desire he felt, and reinforced itself in his icy words. Even though the brunette was probably best left forgotten, Kendall Knight could not help feel a spasm of regret over his actions.

The lunch bell rang through the halls of Palm Wood High to the relief of its teachers and students. Logan scrupulously packed away his math textbook, mentally making a note to himself to go over differentiation and integration of polynomials again when he reached home. He left the empty classroom and made his way to the cafeteria, hoping that Kendall would be somewhere else. The morning periods had brought back the miserable tirade of loneliness he felt last night, erasing Camille's vivacious effect on him. He knew it was silly to contemplate since he was only seventeen, but he'd wondered if he'd ever care for anyone as deeply as he did for Kendall. "Hey Mitchell, wait up!" The booming shout halted the brunette's feet as he turned around. He frowned slightly as James Diamond ran up to him like an overeager puppy. Logan didn't know much about him, except that he was in the same social clique as Kendall , played on the hockey team and was the self-confessed ladies man and pretty boy of the school. Of the two titles, Logan had a hard time picking out the worse one. He gave the brunette a quick smile as he flicked his long blonde locks out of his face. "I've been looking all over for you man! Where have you been? We never hang out anymore." Logan gave him a puzzled look. "We never hung out in the first place James."

"Besides the point dude" he said, waving his hand casually to Logan's statement. "Listen, so I'm here to help you help me."

"With?"

"I need your help in getting a date with that new girl. What was her name again?" He brought his finger to his lips and frowned in thought. "Lauren, Leigh? Nah, that wasn't it…"

"Camille?"

"Yeah, that's the one! I knew I wasn't far off." Logan smiled as he shook his head at James's obliviousness to his mistake. Athletically, he was a master on the ice rink, being surpassed only by Kendall. Mentally, his head was emptier than a lake in drought season. Logan raised an eyebrow. "How'd you know about her?"

"I take drama with her." Logan smirked. If there was a bigger dramatist in the school than James, he didn't know about it. "So why can't you do what you normally do James?" he asked slyly, amused that James would go for someone like Camille. A blank expression came over James's face. "There's just something about her, man. She's not like the rest." Logan's smirk grew wider. "No, she certainly isn't" he thought. James continued to walk with him to the cafeteria, his eyes starry from the thought of Camille. Logan was impressed: the girl had only been here a week and already managed to make an impression on the serial heartbreaker of Palm Wood High. "She must be some girl to make you like this" said Logan. James turned to him. "You have no idea. You should see her acting dude, she is so… committed." He gave an infatuated sigh. "It's out of this world."

"I'd bet. So what do you want me to do?"

"Put in a good word for me. Give me a good intro, and she's mine."

"I don't know her all that well."

"I saw you two talking when you came in this morning." Logan sighed. "She sat next to me on the bus. I only met her today." James maneuvered himself in front of Logan carrying an impervious smile. "But the point is you know her!" Logan pinched the bridge of his nose. "James, I only know her from a conversation that lasted half a bus ride. She's not my friend or anything."

"Come on Mitchell, please? I'm begging here. And James Diamond never begs!" Logan gave another weary sigh. "I'll see what I can do." James did an excited air punch. "But," added the brunette hastily, "I can't promise anything."

"All I need is a good intro, and she's as good as mine. You know, I think she may even be the future Mrs. Diamond" he said seriously. Logan shook his head, marveled at James's blind tenacity. "Yeah, well do yourself a favor and don't let last week's 'Mrs. Diamond' find out."

As the two of them made their way to the cafeteria, Logan ignored the incessant drone in his ear, giving James the occasional "uh huh" or polite nod of the head. If he thought about it logically, it didn't make any sense for James to be involved with Camille. Apart from the fact that she wasn't a busty blonde airhead, he thought that she would be more suited to someone like him. This morning's conversation had caused the brunette to take a slight liking to the new girl. "What if she and I…" He immediately killed the thought. Kendall had drained him emotionally, leaving him barely able to feel anything but the cruel miasma of pain. If he did go out with Camille, it wouldn't be fair to her: he wouldn't be able to give his all, like he did with his pretend relationship.

The cafeteria was filled with a stampede of hungry students, each of them making a significant contribution to the loud buzz of conversation diffusing across the area. Logan's eyes gleamed across the room. Everyone knew their place here – the high school hierarchy was practically a law of human nature, omnipotent and unmovable. They all stuck to their own groups, having gained access to them through various trials and obligations, and hardly ever ventured out into new social territory. The sole exception to the law stood before the chaotic jungle of friendship like an alien from another world. His eyes caught onto his love casually draping his arm over his girlfriend, whispering into her ear. He shook his head disdainfully and forced his eyes to tear themselves away from them, leaving the two to profess their teenaged love to each other. James nudged him gently on the shoulder. "Look, there she is." He pointed out Camille sitting alone at the table, heavily absorbed a book while uninterestedly poking a fork through a tray of lettuce leaves. Out of nowhere, James whipped out a comb and began running it through his locks. "OK, gotta play this cool. So once you introduce her to me, you leave and I'll just turn on the old Diamond charm. She'll be falling all over me." Logan opened his mouth to protest that he didn't think that Camille was that kind of girl, but thought against it. "Alright, let's get this over with," he said flatly, leading the narcissistic hockey player to Camille's table.

"Hey Camille" he said, as he approached the table with James excitedly bouncing behind him. She looked up from the depths of her book and gave a bright smile. "Hey you. I was wondering when I'd see you again."

"Really?"

"Yeah. I meant to ask you what you were doing during lunch in the morning, but I completely forgot."

"Now" whined James softly into Logan's ear, causing the brunette to flinch irritably. "Uh Camille, this is James."

"James Diamond" said the hockey player smoothly, shoving Logan out of the way to take a seat. Camille's raised her eyebrows in astonishment. "Camille Roberts. Aren't you in drama class with me?"

"Yeah, and might I say you are one fine actress."

"Why thank you." Logan looked on, an eyebrow raised in confusion. The two really seemed to hit it off, disproving his earlier theory. "Guess I was wrong" he thought. He lifted his eyes to take in the other sights in the cafeteria. Automatically, his eyes were drawn to Kendall and Jo. Their lips were locked together in a passionate kiss, both of them ignoring the world around them. Logan's breath quickened as he looked on. This time, his eyes would not obey him to look in another direction. He stood there, masochistically absorbing the sight of the person who obliterated his heart kissing someone else. He watched Kendall lift his head slightly and look straight at him. When emerald eyes met chocolate ones, a powerful wave of nausea overcame the brunette, and he finally looked away. He silently turned around and left, leaving Camille and James to continue their energetic exchange of sentences.

Logan returned home later that afternoon in a more morose state than when he had left. Having to accept that Kendall was done with him was one thing, but to sit there and watch him move on with his life so easily was nothing short of exquisite torture. Logan halfheartedly rebuked himself for being so miserable. "You knew this was coming" he said softly. Even so, it did little to quench the raging inferno of grief burning inside of him. Whether in memory or fantasy, Kendall was permanently present in his mind. There seemed to be no way of erasing him from the depths of his memory, let alone his soul.

As he walked through the door, he heard footsteps coming from the kitchen. Moments later, Mrs. Mitchell appeared before him smiling, her clothes carrying a stain of what seemed to be tomato. Logan sighed wearily. His mother's culinary skills were limited to knowing the phone numbers of all the popular takeout places off by heart. The Mitchell family was extremely cautious of any enthusiasm she showed to be in the kitchen, knowing that anything she conjured up could most likely be used as a new fuel source. It was surprising that she was home at this time. Usually, she got picked up by Mr. Mitchell and they came home together. "Mom, why are you here so early?"

"Your father had to go for an urgent business meeting," she said cheerily. "I asked for a couple hours off early so he could fetch me and then drive there." Logan let his bag fall slowly off his shoulder. "Where's he off to?"

"Pasadena. He said he'd be back by Sunday." Her face lit up in realization. "Oh, that reminds me. _Brothers & Sisters_ is on." She hurried past her son and turned on the TV. "Ah, no. It's the one where the gay son gets married." Logan's expression grew tired. "So?"

"I don't want to watch two men get married." Logan felt a cold tingle travel up his spine. "Why?" he asked quietly. "What's wrong with it?" His mother turned around to face him, her hands placed on her hips. "I don't approve of that kind of lifestyle. It's…" She shivered in disgust. Logan's eyes narrowed. "They're human too you know."

"But it's not the natural order of things Logan." Logan bit his lip anxiously. If she only knew what he'd been doing for the past six months – death would seem like a sweeter option than whatever her reaction would be. "I'm gonna go upstairs." He grabbed his bag and walked steadily upstairs, trying to ignore that he really was alone in the pain he felt. There was no one he could turn to, not even himself.

The brunette somehow found himself at school the next day. The night had been a blur to him: he couldn't remember waking up or taking a shower, but here he was, fully clothed and ready for another day of learning and heartache. It had only been two days, but it felt like millennia to him. He dejectedly walked through the school doors and walked to the bathroom. He splashed his face with a cool handful of water. He stared at his reflection, which looked on pitifully back. "Has it really come to this?" it asked. Logan snorted gloomily. "There really isn't another way to be."

"Isn't there? Or do you just not want to see it?" Logan cast his eyes downwards to the white basin. His hands traced the outside contours. "He's gone" he said thickly, fighting back tears. The reflection looked on coldly. "And you got left behind." Logan smiled sadly. "It's what I do best." He stared back in the mirror. "I'm not saying you should forget him" said the reflection, its tone more gentle now. "You probably never will. I'm just saying try to move on."

"To what?"

"Life." In the moment before everything faded into the blackness of his subconscious, Logan stood before the mirror and realized he had to somehow piece back the miniscule shards that made up his heart. "Life" he whispered softly. "Live."


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3: Unfair Comparisons**

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Big Time Rush or any of the characters.

**Author's Note:** A big thank you goes out to everyone who commented on the story and added it to their various alerts! Please keep them coming, they really help me as to where to take the story. Hope you like chapter 3

'The most important things to say are the hardest, because words diminish them.'

Stephen King

"Kendall, stop it."

"You know I can't help it babe. You're irresistible," grinned the hockey captain as he snuck an arm around Jo Taylor's slim waist. She blushed a slight shade of crimson as she brought her hand up to his face. She lightly brushed a small thumb across his cheek. He smile lessened a little as his eyes gazed deeply into hers, conveying unspoken messages of love. Then it happened. For a split second, a diminutive longing arose in him to have Jo be substituted with a certain bookworm in his loose embrace. He temporarily censored it in his head as he leant down to bring his lips to hers. When their velvet soft lips collided together, his grip around her waist tightened as he brought her closer to his lithe body. She moaned softly as his tongue beseeched for an entrance at the barrier of her lips. "No. Not here" she rebuked softly as the kiss broke. Kendall sighed resignedly, setting his girlfriend free from his zealous capture. Jo was adamant in her reticent desire to avoid over the top displays of affection in public. He knew better by now, but never gave up the habit of trying. He looked down to see her hand placed tenderly on his chest; a poor, but nevertheless appreciated, apologetic token for the damper on the kiss. "See you tomorrow?" she asked in her usual melodious voice. The corners of Kendall's mouth curled upwards. "Nah, I don't think so. I think I'm gonna hang out with that other girl I've been seeing."

"You big lug! Come here." She wrapped her arms around his neck and gave him a small peck on the cheek. "I'm your one and only." The hockey captain gave a small nod to appease her. She smirked as she withdrew from his body's vicinity. "I'd better get going. Enjoy practice" she called as she walked off to her car.

As she maneuvered the sickeningly yellow Mini Cooper out of the school parking lot, Kendall gave her a small wave before disappearing into the school building. He inhaled deeply as he brazenly unleashed the constrained thought of Logan Mitchell. This had been happening far too often to him. Each time he was even remotely affectionate with Jo, the mirage of the shy brunette would waft into his head. "Was this how it was for him?" he thought as he made his way to the change rooms. "Did he think of me this way?" He looked up despairingly towards the ceiling as he walked, hoping that the harsh fluorescent lighting would give him an answer. He placed his hands in the pocket of his faded blue jeans as he continued his slow march, deeply lost in his mental conundrum. It wasn't that he didn't love Jo. Far from it – the innumerable text messages sent back and forth everyday between their two cell phones were testament to his feelings, as were the infinite confessional whispers he'd softly been pouring into her ear ever since they'd been a couple. Jo was someone he could see himself spending his entire life with. The problem came with the bemusing addition of Logan Mitchell to the equation.

The brunette had been lingering illicitly in the background of Kendall's head ever since he stopped the sordid affair. He had to do it, against every emotional fiber he consisted of. Adrenaline seemed to replace the blood in his body every single time Logan whispered those three dreaded words. The fear came not from Logan himself, but was intrinsic in its undeviating temperament: what if he said it back? Even if it came out by some irrational slip of his tongue, what if he did mean it? There wouldn't be any way to retract them or hide the fact that he'd said it, even if it was never mentioned again. "He'd be pretty happy if I did say it" thought Kendall wryly. He contemplated the bookworm again, this time more carefully. The difficulty lay in how the hockey captain felt when he was with him. With Jo, Kendall felt safe. Their relationship had long ago peaked out from its initial heady rush of attraction into a zone of affection. The affair with Logan took him to some place much darker and deeper; a place he didn't even know existed within him. Being able to do something so unexpected and forbidden to him gave him an exhilarating thrill, the likes of which he'd never found in the supreme monotony of his ordinary life. He always thought that it had something to do with having such a fine degree of control over a person that made him do it. He'd been proven wrong on the day Logan dragged him into the school locker room with a forceful need burning in his mahogany eyes. Kendall had found the dominating gesture surprising, but played along with him, brusquely ensnaring the brunette's sweet lips with his own. Over time, Kendall came to the distressful, but inevitable, conclusion that it wasn't the affair itself that made him feel like this: it was the person he was having it with. Whenever he lay next to Logan, the blonde felt inexplicable sparks of magnetic enticement fly between them. They didn't have to say or do anything; it was an automatic occurrence that required no external input. The hockey captain quickly found himself spinning into an electrifying surge of giddiness that was growing more and more inescapable with each passing day. Logan might not have expected anything from him, but what would he do with himself? The consequences of the brunette's addictive pull would utterly devastate the life he'd worked so hard to build. All the friends and achievements he'd garnered so carefully throughout his years would come crashing to his feet in a spectacular scandal.

"Does he feel the same way?" asked the blonde softly to the empty hallways. No doubt he did. He'd seen how wounded those cocoa eyes were during the lunch period today. Seeing him kiss Jo must have been too much for him to handle. He had felt a small wrench of sympathy for him, but that was drowned in a dull frustration: if he was so hurt, why was he hanging around that new girl? "To try and fix the thing you broke" said an insidious voice in his head. He didn't know how he felt over his brunette hanging out with Camille Roberts, but the only certain thing was he didn't like it. Kendall hung his head in shame. He hated feeling so entangled. "I don't know anymore." As he entered the empty grey tedium of the change rooms, he wished for the earlier days when everything was beautifully opulent in its emotional simplicity: when he was just a star athlete with a perfect girlfriend, and sleeping with another man for the heck of it.

"Dude, what the fuck?" yelled James as Carlos Garcia mischievously doused his precious head of golden locks with a water bottle. Kendall shook his head smiling. Carlos's jocular attempts to spoil James's hair had gone on ever since the start of high school, but somehow it never got old. Either it was the gleeful grin that stayed plastered on Carlos's face for hours or James's overdramatic reaction, but Kendall couldn't stop smiling when he was with these two. "Do you know how long it took me to set this style?" growled James furiously. "Now it's gonna be ruined for my date tomorrow!"

"I'm sorry Diamond, did I just screw up half your personality?" sniggered Carlos. Kendall gave him a small grin. "Not funny dude" said James, scrambling through his bag for his comb. "I've gotta make sure I look good for this girl. I'm not sure she's heard of my rep yet."

"Wouldn't that be a good thing?" asked Kendall, zipping up his own bag. James scowled sourly at him as he turned around. "I'll ignore that comment because I know you're jealous of me." Kendall scoffed. "Jealous of you? Please."

"Oh yeah. I see it. I have an entire school of girls to pick and choose, while you're practically married."

"Girls, play nice," called Carlos as he struggled to fit his head through his small T-shirt. Kendall turned his attention back to James. "Jo and I aren't married." James looked at him with a piteous condescension. "Alright. How often do you see her?"

"Whenever I'm not in class or at practice."

"How much time do you talk to her over the phone?"

"A lot."

"And you still think you're not married to her?" Kendall opened his mouth several times to retort but eventually hung his head in reluctant defeat. However superficial his romantic philosophy may be, James was right: he and Jo were that happily married couple, albeit several years younger and without any marriage certificate. The hockey captain looked back up at his vain team mate who wore a look of utmost smug on his face. "So what if we're married?" he asked. "There's nothing wrong with it."

"Yeah, there's nothing wrong. Go ahead and stick to the same old girl. Have a few kids while you're at it too" replied James smoothly. "As for me, I've got an exciting life ahead." Carlos finally managed to put his T-shirt on and gave James a sour look. "Yeah, full of STD's." James glowered furiously at him. "I'll ignore that comment because you're jealous of me too."

"So, who's the unlucky girl?" asked Kendall, sitting down on one of the cold steel benches. "That new girl. Um… what was her name again? Katie? Cathy?"

"Camille?" offered an uninterested Carlos. James gave him a thumbs-up. "Yeah, that's it. Camille has been selected by the kind hands of fate to bear the future title of Mrs. James Diamond. Unless someone better comes along of course." Carlos bit his lip before collapsing to the floor in a suffocating bout of laughter. "Would before or after you drug her into marrying you?" he gasped in between laughs. Kendall's expression grew serious as he contemplated the uneasy topic of Camille, more especially Camille with Logan. "How'd you get a date with her?" he asked James, who was about to let his fist ram into Carlos's heaving ribs. He stood up to face Kendall, leaving the Latino to his dying mirth. "How come you even have to ask?"

"Because she's not blonde, her chest doesn't stick out ten feet before her and her head isn't that empty to make you look like a genius; that's why." James shrugged casually. "Mitchell helped me in good with her." Kendall frowned slightly. "Mitchell? Logan Mitchell?"

"Yeah."

"Well," said Carlos, getting up off the floor. "I just hope she knows what she's getting into."

"I'll ignore that comment."

As Kendall entered the Knight home later that afternoon, he discovered the small figure of his sister crouched in front of the flat screen TV. As he approached the black leather couch, he leant over and planted a small kiss on her silken waterfall of auburn hair. "You're home" she said disinterestedly, her fingers flying rapidly over an Xbox 360 controller. Her eyes never left the figure on the TV, a slim blond girl dressed in a white top and miniskirt. "Katie," said the hockey captain in a patronizingly slow tone, "what did Mom say about playing that game?" She sighed exasperatedly as a sign indicating that her character won the stage. "That it was too violent for a girl of my age."

"So why are you doing it?" Katie paused the game and turned to face her brother indignantly. "I'll have you know it's that kind of mentality that prevents the proper maturation of my age group in the world. And Lili is a wonderful role model for someone like me" she said resentfully, gesturing to the girl on screen. Kendall smiled at the defiance of his younger sibling before ruffling her hair. He considered himself lucky to have a sister like Katie, someone who wasn't one of those annoying little tag-a-longs. Katie Knight was a force unto her own, with enough brains to ring circles around most people in Los Angeles and a piquant stubbornness that belied her young age. "What are you doing home so early anyway?" she asked moodily, switching the Xbox off. "What, I can't be at home early for a change?"

"I just thought you'd be off sucking face with your girlfriend" she said, shivering in distaste. The hockey captain frowned. "You're too smart for your own good."

"Nope. Just a lot smarter than you" she beamed. "Right, homework time. If you tell Mom I was playing on the Xbox, I'll make sure you regret it." Kendall lay himself down on the couch as the soft parade of Katie's footsteps disappeared up the stairs. He switched the TV off and lay on the couch, his mind being stabbed by an assassin of guilt and confusion. Jo was always the 'go to' excuse that explained why he always came home after his mother arrived from work. They blindly trusted its integrity, just like they trusted him. He felt a deluge of culpability consume him as he thought of Jo. She too had gullibly believed in the monogamy of their relationship, blissfully ignorant that her boyfriend had selfishly betrayed her and with another man to boot. "What have you done to me Mitchell?" A distinct silence fell over the living room, its awkward nature replying to the monsoon of chaos that raged within Kendall Knight.

The next morning was abnormally characterized by Kendall trying his utmost not to fall asleep in his classes. Sleep had been warded off by an exhausting combination of Logan and Jo being stirred into his thoughts. While he took some degree of sadistic pleasure in the fact that Logan and Camille weren't an item, that left the blazing issue of his infidelity in his mind. In between the restless tosses of his body on his bed, the blond had come to the conclusion that he had two options to implement: he could tell Jo about his betrayal and risk becoming a social pariah, or he could try to find a way to live through the storm guilt brewing in his head. "That's not the only thing keeping you up, is it? You still have to deal with him" came the sinister voice from inside his thoughts again. Kendall shook his head to try and order his thinking. His emerald eyes tried to follow the algebra on the board, but at this point it seemed to be nothing short of randomly placed letters and numbers everywhere.

The bell for lunch rang, and Kendall was grateful for it. He trudged apathetically out of the class and made his way against the stampede of students to an empty bathroom. He walked up to the polished chrome tap and gathered a cool stream of water in his hands before throwing it up against his face. He looked up at the mirror and stared at his reflection. Behind the pristine dampness, he could see the weariness fully etched in him. This was becoming more than he could handle. He felt torn in a million directions, and it was only a matter of time before it all exploded vividly from him. "Pull it together" he whispered.

He turned around to leave when the door opened. In walked the cause of the hockey captain's problems, the reason why he was in such a near-delirious state. Logan Mitchell looked up at him before his entire body started to tremble. He averted his gaze to the floor, immediately ceasing eye contact. A rip of frustration echoed deep inside the blonde. "This is all your fault" he thought angrily. "You're why I'm like this." The blonde instantly closed the distance between them with a single stride and grabbed the brunette by his arms. He emitted a small yelp as the blonde pinned him against the chilly solidity of the pearl white tiles. Kendall felt the apprehensive vibrations of the brunette's body as he leaned in closer. The sound of his quickened breath diffused into Kendall's ears, taking him back to those hedonistic afternoons. As he looked into those devastating chocolate eyes, he saw an entrenched longing behind the fear that the situation had caused. The anger evaporated as quickly as it appeared, replaced by innate want. He placed his lips gently on the brunette's, his bottom lip being carefully trapped by Logan's. The blonde's tongue invaded the bookworm's mouth and began to tenderly explore the warm cavern. He let his hands slide down to the brunette's waist and let the his fingertips engrave a message of how much he'd missed this on the small parts of exposed silken skin. Kissing Jo was nothing like this – this was like having a sinfully divine spark of lust flow through him along with a heavy undertone of emotion. This was his only addiction – his only Achilles heel. He was a slave to this moment, secretly wanting it to never end. As they pulled apart, the bookworm and the hockey captain gazed breathlessly into each other's eyes, both of them willingly lost in the other, never wanting to leave.


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4: Confrontations & Confessions**

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Big Time Rush or any of the characters.

**Author's Note:** Hey people, this is chapter 4. I would have been done with this a lot sooner, but I had a short vacation. As always, your comments are most welcome, so please do keep them coming.

'I dropped a tear in the ocean. The day you find it is the day I will stop missing you.'

Anonymous

The chocolate irises of the bookworm's eyes shimmered in uncertainty as he gazed deeply into the emerald ones fixated solely on him, penetrating him with an ardent yearning. He felt the blonde's warm exhalations softly caress his face, assuring him that this wasn't some forged daydream; that they were in reality's unyielding grasp. Logan began to feel his heart strike out a raucous tattoo against the heaving confines of his chest. He wanted his legs to carry him far away from the vacant bathroom, but they seemed to be paralyzed in excruciating anticipation, as if expecting more to come. He was suddenly made aware of the blonde's damp fingertips dancing gently on the bare alabaster skin of his hips in between his shirt and jeans. He fearfully analyzed the blonde's incisive stare, extrapolating a heartrending current of craving and confusion from it. He wanted this; he wanted him, so desperately, more than the air he deeply breathed, but he knew it wouldn't happen. It couldn't. The brunette took in a deep gulp of air, fearing he may pass out in his feverish disorientation. The sound of the alarmed inhalation snapped the hockey captain out of his melancholic trance. He took a fearful glance at the mixture of terror and puzzlement on the bookworm's face, and felt himself sink back into the pit of helplessness he felt yesterday. "I'm sorry" he murmured, before making a hasty retreat out the door. Logan stared blankly at the opposite wall, feeling his head swim in entropy. "And to think, all I wanted to do was use the damn bathroom" he muttered bemusedly to himself.

The brunette made valiant, but ultimately futile, attempts to try and gather his scattered powers of concentration and focus on his lessons in the periods subsequent to lunch. His usually ascetic mind was now engrossed in the allure that was Kendall Knight, and tenaciously refused to pay any attention in chemistry, biology or math. Once again, the solemn pragmatism of his isolated existence had faded pathetically into the impulsive sea of his emotions whenever Kendall was that close to him. He could still feel the soft intrusion of the hockey captain's tongue into his mouth, mercilessly rendering him a slave to that audaciously passionate kiss. He could still sense the wet sensuousness of his fingertips, lightly etching a lusty pattern onto his hips. He'd be lying to himself if he said he hadn't enjoyed the unexpected rendezvous, but felt an overwhelming sense of despair come over him. Kendall's actions were probably impetuous, and would probably never occur again.

That night as he lay on his bed, Logan's mind was wrecked with insomnia. He tried to examine the cause of his kiss from a logical perspective and quickly came to an interesting conclusion: with each reason he thought up as to why the blonde had done what he did, he felt a little more of the earlier misery he'd experienced in school dissolve into an acidic fury that seemed to have appeared irrationally out of nowhere. "Maybe he was just letting off steam, or maybe Jo won't kiss him, or maybe he just took pity on poor faggy Mitchell" he thought angrily, as he stared unblinkingly at the ceiling. He threw off the thick duvet from his body and jumped out of bed. The icy Los Angeles night air stung bitterly against his unprotected figure, but he couldn't have cared less. The rising anger burned uncontrollably within him and spread its scorching reaches to the furthermost corners of his mentality. He paced around the borders of his bedroom edgily, as he tried to figure out the puzzle of his emotions. No doubt he was in love with Kendall Knight, but did that give him a right to be used like that? "Alright, so maybe that's what I did in the past" he grudgingly admitted to an invisible audience. "But what about today? What the hell's his deal?" He closed his eyes in frustration as he recalled those fundamental moments as the kiss broke, where he'd lain himself bare and conveyed everything he felt to the hockey captain without saying a word. He groaned irately as the image of those poignant green eyes came to the fore of his memory. He might not have known it, but Kendall had opened himself up as well. There was no mistaking that heartbreaking gaze of pining that he'd looked through. A miniscule sympathy for the blonde bonded itself to the brunette's anger as he sat back down on his bed. It was becoming arduous to continually let Kendall Knight come in and out of his life, even if he was completely devoted to him. He gazed out of the window to see the crescent moon glow ethereally in the dark curtain of the night, hoping that some sort of heaven-sent answer would come down and miraculously present itself to him, annihilating the stifling confusion he felt. "When it comes to him, there's just no reason, is there?" he thought. "Why? Why can't you just let go?" asked a small voice inside his head. Logan shook his head as he smiled sadly. "Because I love him."

A crescendo of sunlight pierced the pewter grey clouds the next morning as the bookworm stared meditatively out of the bus window. His lack of sleep had not gone without reward: today he had to try and dispense of whatever unresolved feelings he had for the hockey captain, and move on with his life, no matter how lonely or cheerless it turned out to be. The same old tune of lust, love and unrequited feelings was starting stick unhealthily to him, and after last night's reflective soliloquy, he refused to let it be a part of him anymore. "In a way, maybe it's a good thing that that kiss happened" he thought. "I wouldn't be able to do this if it hadn't." He smiled slightly as a quiet confidence percolated through him, erasing yesterday's chaos from his head. As if it was a promise from God that everything would go well today, the bus creaked to a halt halfway through its monotonous journey to Palm Wood High, and in climbed Camille Roberts, wearing the loudest shade of red imaginable. She beamed incandescently when she caught sight of a waving Logan and made her way through the swamp of misplaced bags and students to sit next to him.

"We have to stop meeting like this" she said playfully as the bookworm shoved his bag onto the floor. He grinned at her mischievously. "And here I thought you liked it."

"Perhaps I do, but you'll never know."

"Why not?"

"Because a true lady, like a prostitute surprisingly, never reveals her secrets." They both snorted out in maniacal laughter, drawing quizzical stares from the surrounding students. Camille sighed contentedly after giving her last laugh. She gave Logan a meaningful smile. "I just lost a bet with myself." He gave a confused smirk. "About what?"

"I didn't think you could laugh." He contracted his eyebrows into a slight frown as his smile diminished slightly. She gave a small giggle before continuing. "It's just that when I first met you, you seemed really sad. And now, you've done this absolute flip. It's like seeing a new person." Logan smiled knowingly. If she only knew the purgatory he'd gone through. "I sort of… had some things to deal with, but I've decided to put it behind me." If possible, Camille's eyes grew even brighter at Logan's reply. "Good for you." She turned around to take in the other sights of the bus before returning her attention back to the brunette. "Oh, I forgot to tell you something. You know your friend James?" Logan sighed. "He's not my friend, but go on."

"Well, he asked me out the other day, and I said yes." The bookworm's silken lips rearranged themselves into a perfect circle to show his surprise. A minor note of disappointment struck itself in his mind, but he stubbornly willed it away. So what if James 'man-whore' Diamond dated Camille? He wasn't about to let it ruin the infancy of his determined attitude. "So, you're going out with him?" he asked tentatively, mentally fighting off the tinge of jealousy he felt. Camille threw a smirk at him. "Actually, I left halfway during the date." Logan ruined his multiple attempts of stringing together a proper sentence by bursting out into a cacophony of guffaws. "You left?" he said finally, not even bothering to tone down the elation on his face. Camille grinned. "Yeah, he was a total airhead. We had nothing in common, and he kept combing his hair the entire time."

"Yeah, I probably should have warned you about that. He's kinda in a three-way relationship with his hair and his hair care."

"Tell me about it. And get this: his ultimate ambition is to be the Naomi Campbell of male modeling." She rolled her eyes in bewilderment. As he laughed, Logan Mitchell felt a feeling he wasn't well acquainted with course through him. It was so foreign to him, that he only realized what it was as he sat down for his first class of the day. In the lackluster shades of grey that his life was made of, the beginnings of genuine bliss had begun to bloom in an extravagant rainbow of colors.

"And she said I was shallow!" wailed James vociferously, his eyes glistening in tears. Kendall resisted the temptation to shake his head disdainfully with the utmost effort as they walked over to his English class. James's romantic, and often riotous, escapades at the school to try and find the girl most worthy of being 'Mrs. James Diamond' often provided a welcome escape to the bleak routine that could sometimes plague them, but today it was nothing more than a tedious drone in his ear. To him, there was nothing worse than having to play the sympathetic ear to a James Diamond wallowing in self pity. Apart from that, his mind was steadfastly reliving yesterday's encounter with the bookworm. The moment he'd laid his eyes on Logan in that bathroom, he was consumed by an enigmatic rage that seemed to give him the one-minded goal of injuring the brunette in the implausible hope that the perpetual miasma of confusion that hung over him would somehow be corrected. That had melted hopelessly when he'd seen the fearful look of unadulterated need in the brunette's mahogany eyes. That kiss, that errant lock of lips, had been the unstructured result of the bemused feelings that cruelly tormented the blonde. He wasn't supposed to feel this way – whatever defined the unspoken link that existed between the two, it wasn't by emotion… or at least his emotion anyway. He had Jo, and that should be enough, so why did Logan Mitchell make him feel like this? "Dude, are you even listening to me?" asked James heatedly, clearly annoyed at his friend's lack of interest in his dramatic ranting. Kendall looked at him pointedly as they approached the classroom. "I have been listening, and all I'm hearing is you go on and on about how this chick told it like it was." James's mouth dropped as he stared at Kendall with a striking fury. "Hey, my heart just got shattered into a like a million itty bitty little pieces!" he exclaimed with a sniffle. "The least I could expect is a little sympathy from my bro." Kendall sighed. "You're overreacting man."

"That's what she said too!" he cried, wiping the area below his eyes with his thumb. He pulled out his faithful comb and ogled it lovingly. "You won't break my heart, will you?" he asked it, oblivious to the eyebrows he raised as he airily walked away. Kendall gave a short sigh before coming face to face with the person his besotted mind held onto for dear life. Time seemed to stand still as they took in the sight of each other. Things seemed so much more complicated on this side of the kiss – where yesterday was straightforward in its raw passion, today brought with it a fresh herd of difficulties as the need to translate burdened feelings and thoughts into words arose between them. What seemed like an eternity elapsed before Logan finally spoke. "I need to talk to you." His voice was quiet and undemanding, but firm. Kendall nodded. "Can you meet me by my car after school?"

"Sure." The hockey captain allowed the brunette to walk past him into the strident racket of the classroom, trying desperately to quiet the senseless tempest within him. He watched the bookworm take his usual seat at the back of the class, his line of sight positioned resolutely out onto the ground, forlornly disconnecting the rest of the world from himself. It worked to an adequate extent: all but one of the students ignored him as they soldiered on with their trivial activities of gossiping and throwing paper airplanes around the room. As the hockey captain took his seat, he took one final glance at the man whom he allowed to cause such an atrocious upset in his life, and silently marveled at the fact that in his eighteen years of existence, Logan Mitchell was probably the most beautiful mistake he'd ever made.

The final bell echoed its relieving chime through Palm Wood High and instantly stirred up a disordered chorus of grateful cries from the stampede of frenzied teenagers who frantically paced through the halls and out of the school gates. Today was Friday, more specifically Friday afternoon – the best part of the week, second only in its leisure inducement to Saturdays. Logan took in the sight of his fellow scholars parading around the school, making plans for the weekend that, most likely, involved copious amounts of alcohol and condoms. As random pieces of conversations plummeted their way through his unassuming ears, he felt the same sense of solitude that came to him every Friday afternoon return to him for its weekly appointment. He envied the inherent freedom of his fellow scholars. These were the years when life was supposed to go as smoothly as possible, where it was meant to be spent in the company of friends who would be there to support you for life, not slaving away over thankless textbooks, trying to be a chemical engineer in training. "Or sleeping with a hockey captain" he thought contemptuously.

He sighed when he approached Kendall's Mercedes gleaming magnificently in the sunlight. This was where it all started, a clandestine meeting adjacent the silver glint of the car. Logan took a deep breath in as he recalled the conversation he had with the hockey captain on the day where his life began to descend into a euphoric melancholy. He sent a small prayer on its way to heaven that this was where it would all end too. He could tell that his heart was being corroded by the iterative cycle of unreciprocated love and brutal lust, and it was beginning to grind him down. He feared that if Kendall were to pull another ambiguous stunt like yesterday's incident in the bathroom, he would get too lost in him and would never be able to let go. No, this had to end here and now.

The brunette's head swung around sharply at the sound of someone approaching. His cocoa eyes focused themselves onto the blonde standing alone on the other side of the car, returning his solemn watch with even more intensity. Logan smiled cynically at the immaculate symmetry of this confrontation when compared to the one that happened six months ago. "Hopefully, this one has a different outcome" he thought. He opened his mouth to speak, but the hockey captain speedily stole the opportunity away from him. "Want to go for a drive?" he asked sheepishly, as if afraid the brunette would bolt off into the distance at any moment. Logan exhaled in astonishment. "No, I don't want to go for a drive." The blonde seemed to ignore his words as he opened the door to the driver's seat and climbed inside. The brunette attempted to speak up again. "Look Kendall, I came here-"

"Mitchell, get in the car" interrupted the hockey captain carelessly as he leant over to open the passenger door. The book worm raised a quizzical eyebrow as he stared at the blonde in cold shock. Already, the courage he'd worked so hard to gain over the past eighteen hours or so failed him dismally at the moment where he'd needed the most. The hockey captain sensed a disturbing hesitation from the brunette, and softened his expression in empathy, remembering that he wasn't alone in his troubling obscurity. This was hard for the brunette too. "Please?" he asked quietly. Logan shook his head at the soft pleading tone of his voice. There it was, the unknowing beg that crumbled his hardhearted defense. Against his better judgment, he got into the car, silently cursing himself for being so malleable at the seductive manipulations of Kendall Knight.

The drive seemed to last for the longest twenty minutes of both of their lives, with the gauche silence in the car eating away at their nerves. Several times Logan stole several glances at Kendall to gauge whether the time was right to speak his mind, but instantly sunk back into uneasy quietness. He was certain that anything he'd said now would fall onto deaf ears. This had to be timed just right so that his words had their desired effect, not just on Kendall, but on himself. As if he read his mind, Kendall swerved the car onto the side of the road, and parked it in front of an old Victorian-style house. Logan craned his neck to get a better view. It was charming in its old-world simplicity, with luscious vines of undulating ivy contrasting sharply against the burnt amber of the bricks. The stark white window shutters were closed, but the amiable solidity of the oak door and the delicate sway of the porch swing gave an affable invite to the brunette as he looked on in awe. He snapped his eyes away from the house and turned to Kendall. "Nice house. Whose is it?" The blonde smiled weakly. "Mine. Well, not mine, we rent it out."

"We?"

"My mom, my sister and I." The brunette grinned slightly before his face darkened as the gravity of the situation reminded him of his task. "Look, Kendall-"

"Before you say anything just hear me out OK?" Logan sighed as his eyes closed in weariness. The chance of completing this seemed to elude him at every turn. His lips pursed together in vacillation before speaking. "OK" he breathed, tossing a hand indifferently up in the air. "What do you want to say?" The blonde took in a deep breath to steel himself for the intricacy in what he was about to say. He was surprised that he wasn't scared to do it, but then again… this just felt right. "Logan." The brunette looked up swiftly at the mention of his name. His heart started its speedy acceleration into overdrive. Usually, he was just 'Mitchell' to the blonde, so why was he 'Logan' today? And why was he getting so anxious? The blonde looked at him carefully before continuing. "I know it's unfair to ask you this, but did you ever wonder why I stopped our deal?" Silence pervaded in the charged atmosphere before the bookworm looked at him, his chocolate eyes starting to glaze over. "You were afraid of Jo finding out" he said thickly. "Of anyone finding out." The blonde dropped his gaze to the floor as he pressed on with the earnest confession of his heart. "That's true. But it's not the entire thing" he whispered softly. He looked up at Logan again, his expression worn down to a bleak mask. "More than anything, you scared me." Logan let out a deep breath. "What the hell does that mean?"

"It means that… I was scared of how you felt. Because I didn't want to feel like that. I'm not supposed to." He paused to hold the bookworm's quivering gaze before he continued. "And the funny thing is that now, I think I do" he said quietly. He diffidently reached over and took the brunette's hand into his own and gave it a small squeeze, causing Logan's eyes to make several journeys from their touching palms to the gloom of the emerald eyes looking back at him in confusion. "Look, I know that I've used you in the past, and I probably deserve to rot in hell for that" said the blonde gently. "And I don't know how the fuck I feel or where this is all gonna land up but… I want to be with you Logan."

The brunette stared at the blonde, stunned by what he just heard. "You didn't hear that" said the domineering voice of denial inside his head, already trying to take charge of the situation. "You're dreaming. This is all some cock and bull fantasy, now wake up for God's sake!" He blinked several times, unable to produce a coherent word. Kendall flared into a state of distress as he felt the bookworm's hand go limp in his affectionate clutch. "Please say something" he begged, trying to gauge some sort of reaction from Logan. Eventually, the brunette recovered from his comatose shock and looked at the hockey captain in awe. "This isn't some sick twisted joke?" he asked shakily. The blonde leaned over until their faces were mere centimeters apart. "I promise you, it's not" he whispered, sending Logan into a delirious state of lightheadedness. The brunette gulped nervously, hardly believing that this was happening. There was just one more thing he had to know before he allowed his heart to be governed by the hockey captain again. "What about Jo?"

"That's for me to worry about, not you." He stared into the cocoa pools of disbelief with a deep-rooted longing crackling within his every fiber. "What do you say Mitchell?" he enquired breathlessly as he headily closed the distance between their soft lips. In the moment where their mouths crashed beautifully into each other, before Kendall slid his tongue across the familiar path into Logan's waiting mouth, the bookworm uttered his answer. It resonated in the lively grip he had onto the blonde's hand, fearing this might all fall to pieces if he ever let go. It echoed in the way in which he passionately clung onto the hockey captain's lips, afraid that his love would evaporate before his very eyes. It diffused into his every molecule as he felt Kendall's hand travel amorously down his back, frightened that this would all turn out to be a dream. It came from deep within the broken ruins that made up his heart and shone brilliantly outwards. "Yes."

**I realize that this may sound like it's the end, but its not. There's still more to come! Please make my day and review! **


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5: Sensual Overload**

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Big Time Rush or any of the characters, and I'm starting to think it's for the best… ;)

**Author's Note:** Thank you for everyone who commented on the story and added it to their various alerts! It really made my day to see those e-mails in my inbox Please keep them coming because they really are important in helping me see how the story is going. Well, here is chapter 5, hope you enjoy it! Apologies for taking so long, it's been a really busy week.

'Sometimes we make love with our eyes. Sometimes we make love with our hands. Sometimes we make love with our bodies. Always we make love with our hearts.'

Anonymous

The mild Californian sunlight dappled lazily through the sprightly leaves of the trees that stood guard on either side of the street like ancient sentries. The tranquil zephyr, generously dousing Los Angeles with the sweet scent of its lasciviousness, was the sole witness to the delicate kisses the hockey captain stole from his lover as they walked idyllically to Victorian house's door. The tender beauty of this moment was not wasted upon them: as the blonde fervently led the brunette to the entrance of the house by the almost possessive grip on his hand, smiling gazes of bottomless affection were exchanged like gifts between the two. This moment, this divine state of jubilation, had been deferred for far too long between them; but it didn't matter. It had finally come, seemingly erasing the past days of harsh abstruseness they both were burdened with in their Spartan attempts to cut the other out from their lives. Out of unadulterated temptation and confusion, a commitment was born, and now was the time to prove it.

"Damn it, I always get confused between these things," muttered Kendall, as he furiously jangled the bunch of keys in his hand in the search for the right one. Logan watched him with an incredulous smile slowly emerging on his face. He was still in an inebriated bewilderment after the blonde's heartfelt profession of his feelings in the car. Last night's insomnia really had been a waste of time after all, given the current state of affairs. He mentally sent out an indebted prayer of thanks to the bemusing powers of fate for their abrupt intervention in his exhaustingly depressive situation. Today, he had gotten out of bed with every intention of dignifiedly tearing into the hockey captain about yesterday's kiss, and yet here he was, moments after a genuine pledge of love, about to define a solid relationship with the only person in the world who would truly reign over his heart. He shivered as he recalled the intoxicating earnestness of the hockey captain's words, still giving him an ecstatic high. Even if this was all just some cruel counterfeited twist of reality, he never wanted the illusion to break. He had decided to stanchly fend off loneliness and risk his heart again, this time with the secure comfort of knowing that it wouldn't be broken, that someone was there to walk by his side and give him what he had desperately sought for so long – entirety.

After a considerable amount of metallic rustling from the keys, Kendall eventually found the correct one and opened the varnished oak door with a grateful sigh. "Sorry about that" he said, turning to face the brunette with an apologetic mope. Logan smiled, resisting the gradually laborious urge to pinch himself. "After you" offered the hockey captain courteously, giving a small bow to emphasize his sudden spout of mock elegance. The bookworm smirked in delusional happiness as he shook his head at the gesture. "I can't believe this. This is actually happening" he thought dazedly to himself. His feet gained a sudden sentience of their own accord and boldly marched his body into the inviting warmth of the Knight home. His gaze had a quick chance to catch onto the vague outline of a black leather couch and a flat screen TV before he felt the hockey captain slide his yearning hands around his waist. He closed his eyes in sensual rapture as he felt his body being drawn closer to the blonde's, letting his hands fall limply to his sides. He missed the familiar sensation of letting his body being at ready for Kendall's every passionate command, but this time he could tell something had changed – the hockey captain's touch was more deliberate this time, paying adoring homage to every inch of milky skin they ignited with their desiring touch. The bookworm took in a lusty breath as he felt one of the blonde's hands mischievously travel southwards and rest on his crotch. "Kendall" he moaned incoherently, letting his head roll back onto the hockey captain's waiting shoulder. The blonde sinfully dove in for the bookworm's neck and planted an amorous trail of devoted kisses from his Adam's apple to his ear. "Logan" he breathed softly, feeling the brunette shudder uncontrollably in his fanatic hold. "I need you." The bookworm's eyes fluttered open. "Are we alone?" he mumbled, still enjoying the heady meander of Kendall's hands. The blonde gave a small snigger into his ear before replying. "My mom won't be back with Katie until six. That gives us plenty of time." Logan felt the blonde's steel-hard erection behind him reinforce the wicked growl of his words. The hockey captain let his hand persuasively squeeze the bookworm's hardening crotch, eliciting another symphonic moan from deep inside his throat. Logan turned his head to the side and allowed his lips to be ruthlessly trapped by the blonde. Kendall was slightly taken aback by the brunette's tongue brazenly invading his mouth, but allowed it. He wanted this so badly, and he could tell that the brunette felt the same. As the kiss broke, Logan searched out for the soothing green of his love's eyes. "Lead the way" he whispered breathlessly.

As they raced up the stairs to his room, Kendall felt his exhilarating desire for the bookworm become tinged with a serious undertone of quiet intimacy. This felt entire worlds apart from the brusque lust he was accustomed to. In his own self-effacing way, Logan Mitchell had managed to somehow capture a little piece of his heart and permanently etch his mark there. The hockey captain gave an astounded smirk to himself as the rhapsodic giddiness within him took an exponential surge upwards. How he ended up here, he probably would never know, but the beauty of it was it didn't have to make sense. Logic and reason could be unceremoniously thrown out when something like this occurred: he could forget that he was the hockey captain of Palm Wood High, and that Logan was that inconspicuous person who managed to be automatically disregarded from everyone's memory. He could forget that the suffocating conformations of society required that he not feel this way about a man. He could forget that somewhere in the opulently self-absorbed city of fame and fortune, Jo Taylor was happily ignorant of his unfaithfulness, in body and in heart. All that was required from him was to feel. As they reached the door to his room, a comforting thought echoed in Kendall's mind: "This time, it's going to be different. I'm not going to use him… I'm going to make love to him."

The blonde laid an impatient hand on the door handle and opened it with burst of savage force. He grabbed the brunette by the hand and willfully dragged him onto the plump repose of his double bed. Laying his hands on either side of the bookworm's head, Kendall lowered himself and gently blanketed the brunette's anticipating body with his own. As their breaths caressingly intermingled with each other, they looked at each other with an equally wondrous regard, savoring each sweet moment of this heavenly sensation. No words were needed to communicate how they felt at this time. This was theirs to create, theirs to keep. Even if this secret never left the four silent walls of the hockey captain's bedroom, they would know, forever and always. Kendall lowered his head and fitted his lips perfectly against Logan's. His skilful tongue ran imploringly across the brunette's closed lips before attaining entrance into his mouth. The bookworm lifted his head slightly and returned the kiss with every bit of zeal that he received it with. As their lips reluctantly parted, a playful glint appeared in the blonde's eyes. His hands went straight for the hem of the bookworm's T-shirt and eagerly lifted it over his head. Teasingly pushing Logan back down flat on the bed, he planted a feather light kiss behind his ear, before letting his ardent lips head downwards. When they reached the fluctuating hollow of Logan's neck, the hockey captain gently grazed his teeth against the sensitive flesh, leaving the hint of a scarlet mark in his loving wake. Further down he went, rubbing his satin lips against the bookworm's collar bone, practically devouring the carnal body heat radiating furiously in front of his face. Kendall smiled slightly as he heard the hedonistic melody of his lover's ragged breathing. Deciding to toy with him further, he licked his way down to the brunette's chest, the clean salty taste of the soft skin driving him into a frenzy of passion. By now, Logan was writhing in ecstasy beneath him, and speaking in moans and cries saturated heavily in desire. Kendall continued his tactile path of pleasuring the bookworm and pulled his tongue downwards across the heaving plain of Logan's flat stomach, and let his hands rest affectionately on the thrusting hips below him. Curling his fingertips into the brunette's pants and underwear, the blonde quickly rendered his love naked in one fluid pull of the remaining clothing. He paused momentarily to gaze at the beauty staring right back at him. Even though he was fully bare and openly vulnerable, the bookworm had an intangible power over him that always pulled him back. It was the same magic that caused him to repeatedly stop and continue their affair, and it was responsible for the fervent spark of want he felt within him right now. As he hungrily tore himself from the trappings of his own shirt, Kendall felt an overwhelming urge to utterly lose himself in the cocoa adoration gazing straight into his emerald eyes.

Logan parted his lips slightly at the sight of a shirtless Kendall Knight in front of him. If there was a god that played on the lustful desires of mortals, the hockey captain's body was absolute proof of its existence. The hint of golden tan from the West Coast sun perfectly complimented his lissome muscles. Logan let his craving eyes fall from the firm torso to the impeccably defined six pack that could be the envy of every male model to land on the cover of _Men's Health_; eventually landing of the palpable bulge straining for release in the hockey captain's jeans. Kendall Knight was truly the work of a divine craftsman. Even after six months, seeing the blonde enthusiastically undress himself always flared an unchaste obsession within the brunette's mind. He sat upright and cogently pulled the hockey captain towards him with a keen arm around his neck. Their lips bruised together again before Logan tenderly shifted his head onto the blonde's shoulder. "Is this for real?" he whispered lightly. The devoted longing in the voice softly rained into the blonde's ears, sending an illicit tingle shooting throughout his entire body. "I sure hope so" was the reassuring reply. The brunette closed his eyes at the soft rumble of the blonde's voice. He could hear the ubiquitous need for release pulse resoundingly in his words. "Then stop teasing me." Kendall pulled back to look at the brunette with a humorous smirk. "You mean?" He jerked his head pointedly. Logan nodded. "I… I need you too."

The blonde's expression grew serious as he leant forward. If this was what his lover wanted, who was he to disobey? He pressed his lips lightly on the brunette's forehead, and blazed his hand through the zipper of his jeans, flippantly discarding them. He rolled his cotton boxers off his legs and stepped out of them, his erection bobbing in the charged air as it was finally freed. He turned around to open the nightstand next to the bed, pulling out a gleaming silver package. He gratuitously ripped it open with the yenning pull of his teeth, and revealed its contents, cautiously regarding it like a treasure he discovered. Logan immediately knew what it was, but did not feel the poisonous touch of offense. He knew that Kendall always took safeguard when it came to sex – not because he didn't trust him, but out of convention. He bit his lip in torturous expectancy as the blonde rolled the latex onto his stiff member. It had only been two days since he last paid sinful tribute to the blonde's body with his own, but he knew this time it was different. This time, he wouldn't bask in an unrequited glow afterwards: this time it was obligated that the hockey captain gives something in return, and he was absolutely certain that he would pull through.

Kendall approached the bookworm and gently laid him on his back, as if afraid he would break. He traced an irregular path from the brunette's stomach up to his neck with his velvet touch. He could feel Logan's heartbeat thump erratically underneath his fingers. He was ready for this, he needed it. "We both do" he thought. He frowned slightly as he felt the brunette lay a hesitant hand on his own, and guide it unhurriedly up to his face. The blonde let out a surprised gasp as Logan swallowed two of his fingers, his silk tongue running softly against the miniature bumps across the skin. Silently, he pulled Kendall's fingers out of his pouted lips, gazing deeply into the blonde's eyes. As the hockey captain's hands travelled downwards, the bookworm spread his legs and waited. The blonde slid one of his wetted fingers into the brunette, causing him to grip the sheet beneath him in elated pleasure. He shut his eyes and gave a guttural cry of gratification as felt the second one join the first. "Kendall" he panted breathlessly. The blonde threw caution to the wind, and positioned himself over Logan. As he entered the bookworm, he let out an uneven breath. This was so much better than he remembered. The brunette's wanting body arched upwards, feeling the full length of the blonde inside of him. He had attained his completion. The hockey captain began to give slow thrusts at first, his hands fixed firmly on either side of the brunette's body. "Ah ah ah" moaned Logan, wrapping his legs around Kendall's waist, securing him in his vice-like grip. The blonde lowered his head as his hips continued to thrust magnificently into Logan. Their lips tangoed in a giddy dance of passion, repeatedly colliding against one another. The blonde picked up his pace, and felt the brunette begin to quiver with the force of his breaths. His face contorted in pure desire, expelling a raw grunt in between the ragged exhalations. Logan tightened his legs around the hockey captain, bringing the avid heat of his body towards him. Drops of sweat began to form where the bodies touched, quenching them in a salty rain. "Close" groaned the brunette, his head thrown back, sinking in rapturous ecstasy. His knuckles turned white as he held onto the sheets for dear life. "Fuck" cursed Kendall, feeling his own climax build heavily within him. With one final push of his hips, the hockey captain arched his body onto the bookworm's and sent both of them into sexual nirvana. Logan's fiery seed erupted in spectacular show, covering the bed sheet and Kendall's panting abdomen in its white stickiness. The hockey captain laughed slightly and gave the brunette a small kiss before withdrawing out from his body. He rolled the drenched condom off from his limp member and casually flung it in the bin at the foot of the bed. He slid his artwork of a body onto the bed, and pulled the brunette closer with a loving hand. As sleep slowly laid its enthralling spell on them, Logan felt truly loved for the first time in his entire life. "I love you" he murmured, his eyes growing heavy with each passing moment. Before his consciousness gave way to much needed rest, he felt a tender kiss on the nape of neck, swearing to him that his love felt the same way.

Kendall awoke to the sight of a naked Logan sitting on the edge of the bed; having a quiet, but heated, conversation over his cell phone. "Alright Mom, stop complaining" he whispered furiously. "Of course I'm in the library, where else would I be?" His head turned around to see the hockey captain smirking roguishly at him. He face broke into a small grin before it was swiftly replaced with an austere frown. "Mom, what are the chances of you accidentally slicing your finger off with a knife when you don't even cook? No, that is not a poke at your cooking skills!" Kendall bit his lip to hold down a burst of laughter as he watched Logan surrender the battle with his mother. "Look, I'll be there just now alright? Bye." The brunette gave an exasperated moan as he hung up the call. He turned again to see the hockey captain grinning from ear to ear, still amused at his maternal altercation. "Trouble at home?" he asked innocently. Logan shook his head exhaustedly. "You have no idea. She thinks I need to be there just in case there's a 'domestic accident.'"

"And you don't feel bad that you lied to her?" asked Kendall with mock superiority. Logan let out a deep breath. "If she knew, she'd probably disown me. Or worse" he said quietly. The blonde noticed an inkling of sadness masked behind the mahogany shimmer of his eyes. He felt a minuscule pang of remorse set off in his stomach. He mentally appreciated the scandal that would be caused if their relationship ever saw the light of day. The risk was far too great to even consider doing it. "What time is it?" he asked softly. Logan took a quick glance at his cell phone. "Four. We were really out of it." The blonde leant forward and stole a salty kiss from the bookworm's lips. "Well, can you blame us, considering what we were doing?" The bookworm gave curled his lips into the echo of a smile. "Will you give me a ride home?" he asked tentatively. The hockey captain's bee-stung lips pouted in surprise. "Like you even have to ask. But first, we shower."

The shower itself was the sequel to their earlier rampant session of love. The brunette had made it clear he was in charge this time through his unyielding touches. Through the airy clouds of soap, the bookworm carefully examined his love's awaiting body, taking in every detail of its perfection. As the warm drizzle of the showerhead washed away the thin film of sweat from their bodies, the brunette's small hands affectionately explored the hockey captain's body, his repartee of teasing fingertips baiting the blonde back into a state of arousal. His unbelieving eyes commanded his hands to explore every inch of the god in front him to make sure that he was really there, that he really could call him his own. As the hockey captain shut off the water, he had stolen a damp kiss from the brunette's parted lips, and stared deeply into his chocolate eyes, making sure that any earlier trace of melancholy was duly erased from them.

Half an hour later, the silver Mercedes pulled up in front of the Mitchell house, its silver glint diminishing with the setting of the blazing sun. Logan laid a hand on the door; his wondrous gaze never leaving Kendall's smiling face. "Thank you" he whispered, his cocoa eyes starting to conceal themselves behind slow blinks of gratitude. The hockey captain grinned quizzically. "For what?"

"Everything." The blonde dropped his emerald look intently on the floor, unsure of how to proceed. "Logan, before you go… about what you said earlier."

"What?"

"After we…" he raised his eyebrows absorbedly, making his point clear. The brunette frowned slightly. "Oh." He felt his heart drop with regret. He shouldn't have said those three damn words. The blonde looked at him with engaging eyes before pressing on. "I'm glad you said it" he said softly. The brunette looked up sharply. "I just want to figure out how I feel, and find my own moment to say it." A small smile twisted the bookworm's lips. He gave a small nod. The hockey captain leaned in for a kiss, but the brunette alarmingly evaded his lips. "My mother's probably at the window" he said uncomfortably. "We shouldn't-"

"Yeah, I know" sighed the blonde. The bookworm gave him a final lingering gaze before opening the door. From the driver's seat, he watched Logan Mitchell walk across the faultlessly manicured lawns before disappearing into the fluorescent isolation of his home. As he drove away, the blonde remembered his earlier thoughts in the day and blissfully chided himself: Logan Mitchell wasn't a beautiful mistake – he was the only thing he had gotten right.

**Hope you liked it! Please make my day again and review! **


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6: Only Almost Here**

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Big Time Rush or any of the characters.

**Author's Note: **A big thank you for all the reviews and Story Alerts, I practically did cartwheels before boarding my plane. As requested, here is chapter 6, please enjoy; and like always your thoughts and suggestions are most welcome

'Love one another and you will be happy. It's as simple and difficult as that.'

Michael Leunig

The eldest rays of the rising sun broke across the Los Angeles horizon in all their crimson splendor, chasing away the last straggling fragments of the night's suffocating shadows. The early chirping rhapsodies of the small birds flowed in a melodious delirium across the premature morning's air and broke the deathly still of silence in their endearing serenade. Unfortunately these profound moments were obstinately disregarded by Katie Knight as she made her surreptitious way to the Knight living room in an austere stealth. Even though one wouldn't put it past her for doing something like this, it was unusual for her to be spending her Saturday morning in such a covert manner. "Desperate times call for desperate measures" she thought snidely, cautiously inching her way down the staircase, careful not to let her minute feet cause a single decibel of noise. She flippantly tucked an auburn lock behind her ear as she scanned the surroundings. Not a soul in sight. She continued her descent down the stairs as she mentally cursed the powers that be for taking the one thing in her life that made her get out of bed each day. Her mother had somehow found out about her clandestine tryst on the Xbox the other day, and had grounded her for a month in her all-embracing rage. Kendall had solemnly sworn on his life, Jo's life and his Mercedes that he wasn't the one who had sold her out. She believed him, but that still left the vexing issue of who did. As her foot left the last step, Katie gave serious consideration as to whether her mother had paranormal abilities.

Her eyes sparkled animatedly as her eyes focused onto the object of her desire standing beguilingly in the early sunlight. The prize was hers for the taking – she had won. As she cut an impatient beeline for the Xbox, a pompous gloat set itself across her juvenile face. "I so showed her" she thought sanctimoniously, reveling in the warmth of her victory. In her blinding hubris, she missed the weary sea green gaze watching her elatedly jump onto the couch and turn on the TV. "You never learn, do you?" came the playfully reprimanding voice of superlative knowingness from behind her. Katie's head snapped around in distressing alarm to see her brother shake his head exasperatedly at her. He was still in his T-shirt and Looney Tunes boxers, and carried a voluminous soft cover book in his hands. "Don't you think you're becoming an addict?" he asked, an impish grin setting itself on his lips, much to her chagrin. "Of course not. Your average gaming addict is a twenty-something hermit male whose BMI exceeds 25 or is under 20, and wears glasses. I'm an eleven year old female fifth grader with an entire ring of friends and acquaintances, and thus do not fulfill any of the above criteria." Kendall sighed exhaustedly. It was still too early in the morning for one of Katie's statistics lectures. "Mom's gonna flip" he said blankly, staring at the flagrant vehemence of opening movie of Tekken 6 on the TV screen. "Remind me again, how'd you get her to buy this game for you?"

"I discreetly covered the rating with my hand" she replied imperturbably, her attention lost in the mundane task of scrolling through the plethora of characters with the controller. She turned around and gave him an inquisitive stare. "What's with the encyclopedia?" she asked clinically, her finger pointing at the capacious book in Kendall's adamantine hold. "It's the telephone directory" he said, lifting it up to show her. She narrowed her eyes suspiciously. "Why would you need to use the telephone directory?"

"Because, dear sister of mine, unlike you I have friends who actually exist" he sang derisively, sending her neat sheet of flaming hair into disorder with a few rubs of his hand. "Pretty stupid of you to use a telephone directory to get your friends' numbers" she muttered darkly. Her focus returned to the game. "Oh my God, Steve Fox is so hot!" Kendall shook his head once more at the tenacious ingenuity of his sibling that bordered on sheer madness, carrying the telephone directory up to his room. "She's definitely one of a kind" he remarked softly to himself.

Shutting the room door behind him, he sat on the edge of the bed and gazed down at the telephone directory as if it were some holy object. A demure smile came to him as his mind amenably wound back to yesterday. The inveigling giddiness that had swelled within him returned with full robustness. Things just seemed so much clearer now that he had played an open hand with Logan. He'd never felt more alive than when he'd felt the galvanizing sparks fly every time he locked lips with the brunette, and he felt that much more content in the safe comfort of knowing that his feelings were not unrequited. He might be Kendall Knight, the undeniable king of Palm Wood High, but he was a willing slave to the infinite depths of love shown to him by the unpretentious bookworm. Yesterday's carnal session had been a physical expression of the absurdly pure emotions the hockey captain felt deep inside of him: he didn't know if it was love yet, but from what little he understood, it was too consuming for him to simply ignore. Every time he closed his eyes, he saw Logan smile at him with those enticing lips and an unfathomable yearning would surge right through him. The blonde's smile grew to accommodate a blissful hint of astonishment: he'd fallen tumultuously for the unassuming bookworm, and he never wanted it to change.

Even with his newborn clarity, the hockey captain's desolate confusion was not completely swept away. Now that he'd admirably pledged himself to Logan, it left a discomfiting awkwardness about his relationship with Jo. Kendall let the air out of his lungs in one deep exhalation, feeling the tranquil ambience of his mind being incongruously disturbed by an insubordinate restlessness. Three quarters of the male student body at Palm Wood High would readily take on unspeakable acts of Faustian proportions just to have the honor of being called Jo Taylor's boyfriend. The other quarter was either condescendingly asexual in nature, or furtively batted for the other team. The blonde closed his eyes, feeling the agonizing struggle in his heart fill every nook and cranny of his being. The thought of classifying himself into a predetermined stereotype, just so he could make society's job of callously judging him that much easier, left an astringent taste in his mouth. To him, what mattered was how he felt deep down, and whether those feelings were targeted towards a man or a woman shouldn't matter to anyone. After all, love only sees in the vividly hued spectrum of emotion, not in the confining monochromes of gender. "But what if you're in love with both?" Not even the raging affection that Logan Mitchell stirred within him could undo the fact that he was cheating on someone who had faithfully stood by him, who had strikingly seen past his scarring flaws and loved him with every shade of intensity she could muster. No, Jo Taylor was a lovely girl who had done nothing wrong to deserve this ruthless infidelity so helplessly engaged in by her boyfriend.

Deciding to put the turbulent dilemma of Jo on hold for now, the hockey captain sought out temporary sanctuary in the task he meant to do. Flipping through the dangerously thin sheets of the telephone directory with animalistic precision, he turned to the page he was looking for. "Michael, Miguel… Mitchell" he whispered inaudibly, his fingers scrolling carefully down the page, afraid that the bookworm's number would inexplicably vanish if he didn't find it fast enough. According to the directory, there were five Mitchell families currently living in Los Angeles. "Lucky I know the address" he thought smugly, reaching for his cell phone on the nightstand. An irritable sense of stupidity made its presence known, but lost its way between the possessive grip of lovesickness and the inconsolable clutch of culpability, much to Kendall's appreciative delight. He previously had Logan's number stored in his cell phone, but deleted it in an irrational fit of anger six months ago after the brunette's sweet silken lips had stolen that very first kiss. "I should've asked him," he admitted to himself in jocular resentment as he excitedly began to dial the number. "But things just got kind of… I guess sidetracked is a good way to put it." His thumb rested impatiently on the last digit, but was halted in its duty as the Nokia started to emit the thumping tune of _Bass Down Low_. The hockey captain cursed wrathfully as Carlos's number flashed on the screen. He answered the call and hurriedly shoved it near his ear. "What if I was asleep?" he asked irately. "I would've kept on trying till you woke up" said the Latino as if his answer was the most obvious thing to see. Kendall inhaled deeply. "What's the matter?"

"Diamond seems pretty torn up."

"About what?"

"Camille." Kendall snorted in frustration. James was an absolute maestro at doling out rejection, but hypocritically couldn't take his own medicine. "So karma finally caught up with him. Big deal."

"I don't know man, you should see him. He's huddled in the corner of his room, going on and on about how he'll be unloved for the rest of his meaningless life. And dude, there are tears. I mean like buckets of them." The hockey captain frowned. "How would you know?" An uncomfortable pause interrupted their discussion. "Carlos?"

"His mom called me over. She said she was afraid he'd try something stupid."

"Like what? Use her curling iron?"

"I think it's a little too late for that…" Kendall sighed, fighting the impetuous urge to go over there directly and sadistically coerce James into manning up or start taking a long walk off a short cliff. Carlos seemed to sense the blonde's incensed annoyance at their teammate's exaggeratedly perceived heartbreak. "Look, I'm not happy about this either, but could you come over and help shove a collective foot up his ass about forgetting this girl?"

"And what if I have plans today?"

"Kendall, I'm begging you." An unearthly cry screeched from the background, causing the blonde to wince. "What the fuck was that?"

"That," said Carlos wearily, "was James reminiscing about his date with Camille. I can't do this by myself dude."

"I'll stop by later," replied Kendall reluctantly. "See if you can't sedate him for all our sakes."

"Gotcha." As he hung up, the hockey captain wondered what he did in a past life to deserve such an enduring friend like James, who healthily accepted rejection as a natural part of life.

Shaking his head, the blonde redialed the Mitchell house number into his phone, but was again desisted by his phone ringing. An icy sting permeated from within his chest as he saw the caller ID flash unrelentingly on the screen. Jo. The hockey captain took in a deep breath to calm himself before he answered. "Hey babe."

"Don't you 'hey babe' me, where were you yesterday?" The tempered ferocity in her voice cut a guilty laceration right through him. "Yesterday?" he repeated weakly. "Yeah. You took off from school without even saying goodbye." Kendall bit his lip anxiously. Sustaining an affair was never going to be easy, but he didn't expect it to be this grueling. His conscience was bawling stridently in the echoing chasm of his mind for him to admit his treachery. "I uh… there was something going on with Katie."

"Katie has gymnastics practice every Friday. She comes home with your mom."

"Yeah, but she wasn't feeling too well, so I had to go pick her up."

"Oh… well, you could have texted me. God, now I feel like such an idiot for being so mad." The anger in her tone was instantaneously substituted with an empathic compassion, burgeoning the coldblooded attack on the hockey captain's psyche. "Don't be" he said softly, marveling at his newly discovered talent for lying. It amazed him even more at how fluently she trusted his deceit. "Are you mad at me?" she asked pleadingly. The malicious irony of her question did not go unnoticed. He let out a soft laugh in reply. "No babe, how could I ever be mad at you?"

"Good, because I was thinking that maybe you could come over here for breakfast?"

"Do you think your dad would stop glaring at me long enough so that I could eat?"

"Shut up Kendall, you know he likes you. So what do you say?" In the depraved minefield of his head, the hockey captain cursed fate for having twisted his Saturday morning in such a violating manner. "I promised Carlos I'd go over and talk to James."

"Why?"  
>"He's still pretty hung up over his date with that new girl."<p>

"Can't you go later? Please?" Kendall closed his eyes at the alluring beg in her voice. She wasn't making this easy for him. In his state of mind, she could unknowingly manipulate him like clay into whatever form she wished. "I'll be there in an hour."

"I'll be waiting. Love you."

"Love you too." The blonde heard a small click before the unremittingly incommodious beep told him that Jo hung up. His hand slowly brought the Nokia down from his ear as his tired eyes travelled down to the open directory sitting innocently on his lap. An infinitesimal melancholic smile curled upon his lips. "I'm not gonna call you today, am I?" he sighed. A feeble gust of wind ruffled the directory's anorexic pages in reply.

After a succinct shower and change of clothes, the hockey captain made his down the stairs to see his mother sitting on the couch with a steaming cup of black coffee in her hand. She was wearing her usual weekend morning uniform of a garishly pink nightgown. The brilliantly red hair which she'd passed on to Katie was in tied up in a sleek bun, faultlessly complimenting her high cheek bones. She gazed intently at an Oprah show rerun, turning around to briefly acknowledge her son's presence with a warm smile. "Good morning. You know, I always knew how important it was to buy a bra that fits right, but I never would have guessed how many health issues it prevents." Kendall shifted uncomfortably on his feet. "Uh yeah, I kind of need NOT to know that."

"Of course you do. You'll be needing to know how to take them off. Then again, lots of girls today don't bother to wear them. They just rely on their natural perkiness." The blonde's mouth dropped open at his mother's frankness. He'd always loved how candid and outspoken his mother was, but it was at times like these he preferred her to be a little more reserved in her chosen topics of conversations. Mrs. Knight turned around and looked at him her head tilted in sympathy. "Close your mouth dear, you'll catch flies."

"Can we change the topic?" asked Kendall, his face starting to turn into a flamboyant scarlet beacon. "Where's Katie?" Mrs. Knight's mouth thinned harshly at the mention of her daughter's name. "Upstairs. You probably won't see her for the next two months, so don't miss her too much."

"You caught her huh?" The blonde's mother shook her head in exasperation as she muted Oprah's sermon on the criteria of the perfect bra. Kendall saw the blatant lassitude score its unappreciative scars behind the iridescent care in her eyes. Her long, vindictive hours as a partner in one of L.A.'s top advertising firms had slowly been wearing her down, and Katie's unfounded rebellion wasn't exactly helping to ease the situation. Sometimes the hockey captain wondered whether it would just be easier to live without the affluent luxuries her generous salary brought with it, and save him the insufferable woe of having to see his mother gradually collapse before his emerald vigilance. "I just don't know what to anymore Kendall" she said simply. "I mean, is it my fault she's like this?" Her limpid brown eyes searched him beseechingly for an answer. "Of course not," he said quietly. "It's just a phase Mom; she'll grow out of it."

"Oh, you poor deluded boy" she replied, an echo of a smile playing on her lips. "If only if it were that easy."

"Why do you worry about her so much?"

"Because I was just like that at her age" she said, throwing her hand up in the air dramatically to make her point. She let out a deep exhalation and dropped her gaze to the floor. "I just don't want her to make the same mistakes I did."

"You mean Dad?" The miniscule smirk came again to her face laconically. "Among other things." Her eyes sharply moved up to take in Kendall's clothes. "Going somewhere?"

"Breakfast at Jo's."

"Aha. So has her dad stopped giving you the evil eye?"

"One would hope so." He gave an exhausted sigh. "Right, I'm out."

"Have fun" called Mrs. Knight, as she returned the sound to the TV. The hockey captain blinked repeatedly in bemusement before making a speedy retreat out of the house, entrusting his mother into the care of Oprah and her recurring emphasis on the importance of having proper support for one's breasts.

True to his telephonic word, Kendall arrived outside the Taylor house within the hour in the announcing glory of his Mercedes. He took a moment to let his eyes wander over the beige walls and munificently blooming rose bushes as he recalled his earlier conversation with his girlfriend. It had taken an extensive effort on his part to tell her those last three words, an attempt that nearly killed him on the inside. He never had this problem before, even when he was sleeping with Logan. The hockey captain felt the ill-fated touch of fear come overwhelm him: it didn't take a rocket scientist to figure out why he felt the way he did. Logan Mitchell was both the problem and the solution to this entire debacle that seemed to hold an august reign over his head. "I don't want to give him up" he thought forcibly. "I can't." His peripheral vision caught onto the opening door, revealing a pajama-clad Jo waving ecstatically at him. As he stepped out of the car, the consuming black hole of emotion within Kendall Knight miraculously reduced itself to a simple but disquieting answer: he was in love with two people. It was as simple and as complicated as that, and it splintered his heart to no end that he couldn't give either one of them what they truly deserved.

**Thank you for reading, please review ;)**


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter 7: Brothers, Sisters & Doubt**

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Big Time Rush or any of the characters.

**Author's Note:** Hey people, here is chapter 7. Please bring a smile to my face and review

'Love looks not with the eyes, but with the mind

And therefore is winged Cupid painted blind'

_A Midsummer Night's Dream_ by William Shakespeare

"_Robert, I'm so scared…_" Logan lifted his staggered mahogany eyes from a diagram of the human circulatory system in the oppressive ennui of his biology textbook to see Calista Flockhart sob uncontrollably in Rob Lowe's loving embrace on the TV screen. His ears picked up on the heartfelt sniffle his mother emitted while she dabbed her eyes histrionically with a tissue. "It's just so sad," she muttered, continuing to gaze at the TV through glazed eyes. "I hope she makes it through."

"You already know she'll make it through, you're watching the DVD" said Logan wryly. Personally, he didn't have anything against the show, but after seeing seasons one through to four of _Brothers & Sisters_ a myriad of times in the forms of DVD's and reruns, he felt that he could recite each character's lines with perfect inexorableness, and deliver an Emmy-winning performance. His mother, in her wonderfully self-gratifying role of the consummate suburban wife minus the necessary culinary skills, had fanatically latched herself onto the program since its inception; and considered herself to be nothing short of the ultimate expert on the thrillingly melodramatic lives of the fictional Walkers. Logan had often pondered laboriously about talking to her about her obsession; going so far as to hypothetically diagnose her fascination as an attempt to fill her less-than-dramatic life with the characters' theatrical antics, but had always ended up killing the idea. "I'd probably send her off the deep end" he thought darkly, shuddering as a minute spark of fear crackled through his nervous system.

As Calista Flockhart went under anesthetic for an arbitrarily mentioned bone marrow transplant to the mournful tunes of some Keane song, the phone echoed its piercing ring from the kitchen. "Damn it, just when it was getting good" muttered Mrs. Mitchell, heatedly pausing the image onscreen. She flicked her dark velvet locks indifferently while taking fuming strides over to the kitchen. As part of her telephonic ritual, her contorted face softened and she picked up the receiver with an exaggerated flourish of her hand. "Hello" she cooed in a sickeningly saccharine voice, causing a vague nausea to erupt within the churning pits of her son's stomach. "Oh hi Janice!" Logan rolled his eyes wearily. Janice was one of the vapid harpies that his mother had the unknowing misfortune of calling a friend. Her call happened every Sunday morning without fail, and from his cornucopia of experience, Logan knew that 'epigrammatic' wasn't one of the plentiful words that could describe the insipid exchange of words that occurred. He stood up and shrugged his shoulders, charily gathering up his textbook from the couch. As he began his somnolent ascent of the staircase, he caught onto a sliver of his mother's conversation: "Yes, Logan did very well in his mid-year exams. Teddy and I are so proud of him, he's really outdone himself." With an abhorrent burst of ignominy, the bookworm's feet hastily carried him to the prolific incarceration of his room, where he desolately proceeded to break away from the cruel judgment of the world around him.

The miserable truth of the matter was that this was Logan Mitchell's inescapable reality - this was the corroding tedium he had to deal with each and every wretched moment of his existence. It seemed that from birth, destiny truly enjoyed inflicting discordant twists and turns in his fate. From as early as he could remember, his parents had unduly pressured him into being the best in his class. No expense was spared into morphing him from an innocent confused boy into a mere accessory used to enhance his parents' prestigious status in L.A.'s glamorous society. Extra classes, tutors, textbooks as thick as an elephant's thigh; Logan had had them all. He played the thankless part of the Mitchell's trophy son with a jarringly contrasting amalgamation of perfection and distaste. It was nothing short of venomous murder that he wasn't allowed to be anything else other than that. Other people his age got the delightful privilege of being able to be a kid, and have parents whose worlds revolved unselfishly around them, but not him. His providence was determinedly fixed in the friendless echoes of academia, where he would waste away his life perfecting something that only offered an empty shell of happiness. In the game of life, he'd been dealt several unlucky hands, something he was certain would remain unchanged. What tore him up even more was that he couldn't talk to anyone about it. The only friend he'd ever had was the jaded authority of his schoolwork, and God forbid his parents magically amend into more compassionate and devoted versions of themselves. No, the bookworm was completely alone in his unabashedly homicidal anguish, destined to fulfill dreams that weren't his own.

The brunette stood at his open window and watched the trees perform a jovial dance in the mirthful touch of the breeze. His pouted lips wrapped themselves into a dazed smile. The troubling woes of his life lay blissfully forgotten as his mind escaped into the amorous clutch of memories that made up Friday afternoon. He still couldn't believe it happened: the only person he had ever loved in his short lifetime wanted a relationship with him. He could tell the hockey captain felt the same way he did – it resonated lovingly in the way their lips locked into each other. The brunette closed his eyes, his head eagerly swimming in the sinful detail of their lovemaking. He could still feel the blonde's profligate fingertips induce electrifying sparks on his body. He didn't know how he did it, but Kendall had the decadent aptitude to condense every smidgen of hardened practicality he had into a debauched, moaning pile of impulsiveness. Logan's smile widened. He was wholly devoted to the blonde, so much so, that he was in danger of falling into him completely. Kendall Knight could slice open his throat, and the bookworm would gaspingly apologize for bleeding on him with his last breath.

"Remember, you can't get completely happy about this" sneered a cold voice inside his head. "There's still Jo." The bookworm tilted his head bemusedly, stepping back from the consoling view of his window, giving an aggravated sigh. He was one third of an increasingly intricate love triangle, and it didn't give him any comfort. It was exceedingly unnerving to be the 'other person', that degenerate enigma that egoistically undid innumerable moments of fidelity with just a single action. An equivocal tremor of discomfort passed through Logan's body. He didn't exactly savor being cast in such an unforgiving social character, but no other choice made itself known. If he wanted to be with the hockey captain; he'd have to reach an insalubrious compromise with his conscience and somehow ignore his increasingly devastating anxiety.

What also troubled the coy brunette was the level of trust he had in the blonde. He'd believed Kendall when he'd implied that he'd handle the issue of Jo, but didn't know the definition of his ambiguous statement. "He can't break up with her" he murmured ominously to himself. "He wouldn't risk it." The hockey captain had too much to lose – his high-standing status at the school, his hockey captaincy: in short, everything he'd worked so hard to achieve. The preoccupied likelihood of having an open relationship was out of the question for Logan. Even with Kendall's admission of affection, he'd have to discontentedly settle for furtive moments of love like he'd done so emptily for the past six months. If he looked at it carefully, the bookworm had to diffidently acknowledge that not much had really changed. Apart from Kendall's sincere assurance of a committed relationship, he was still a painfully reticent genius who was powerlessly enthralled by the most popular guy in school, and slept with him to ease the aching numbness that filled him so completely. Kendall Knight was still the Zeus of Palm Wood High, and he was nothing more than a second choice.

"Logan, phone call" came the alarmingly dulcet tone of Mrs. Mitchell, snapping the brunette out of his dejected reverie. The bookworm closed his eyes in weariness. "Coming" he called. He exited his bedroom's isolating imprisonment, and tramped purposefully to the telephone in the middle of the hallway. "I've got it Mom" he shouted, before cradling the receiver in between his ear and his shoulder. "Hello?"

"Hey Logan." The brunette frowned at the sensual familiarity of the voice on the other side of the line. "Kendall?"

"You were expecting someone else?" The bookworm gave an involuntary twitch. "No… but why are you calling me on my landline?"

"Uh… that's kind of a long story. Can you talk?"

"Yeah."

"I uh… I just wanted to hear your voice." A giddy storm of butterflies flickered intensely inside the bookworm's stomach. He felt his cheeks flush acutely with a ruby thrill. "Logan?" asked the blonde uncomfortably, clearly anxious at the pregnant silence between them. "You there?"

"Yeah. Yeah, I'm here" he answered softly. "Good. I was wondering if you could do me a favor."

"Sure."

"Keep your Friday night open."

"Why?"

"Just do it." Behind the buoyant tone, Logan sensed a heavy suggestion of amorousness in the hockey captain's command. He smiled roguishly to himself. "Alright."

"Good. Listen, I gotta go. See you at school tomorrow?"

"Where else?" The hockey captain gave a small laugh. "Bye." The bookworm placed the receiver back into its original position, feeling a congenial mystification spread right throughout his entire body. He unhurriedly turned his head at the sophisticated thud of his mother's exorbitantly priced shoes come up the stairs. "Who was that?" she asked, her thin fingers running delicately through the dark satin waterfall of hair. He stared up at her, his chocolate eyes swirling in concentrated adoration. "Just a friend" he whispered, trudging away leisurely to his room. Her eyebrows contracted in light perplexity as the bookworm quietly shut the door behind him. "Friend?"

Hours later, the sun began to concede its illustrious reign over the heavens to the night. Logan sat on the couch with his mother, whose toxic addiction to her favorite TV show proved to be too powerful for her to resist. His eyes were blankly transfixed on Sally Field throwing the most exaggerated tantrum at on of her story bound sons, but his senses were efficiently numbed by the compulsive preoccupation in his head. The pithy telephone conversation had replayed itself over and over again in his head like an annoyingly infectious song. Kendall's words ricocheted in his mind: 'I just wanted to hear your voice.' The quaking doubt he'd felt earlier was temporarily appeased. "I have to believe him" he thought. "I've got to try."

The distant growl of the jet black BMW pulling in past the flawlessly maintained lawns of the Mitchell house and onto the inflexible tar of the driveway interrupted the callous dissonance of the Walker family. "Your father's home" said Mrs. Mitchell indifferently, craning her neck to get a better view through the sliver of window that wasn't sheltered by the thick curtains. Logan turned his head around at the curt creaking of the door. In walked Teddy Mitchell, immediately uplifting the meager atmosphere with a subtle cheeriness. From an early age, Logan had admired the quiet respect his father commanded among his friends and family. Success had blessed him from a young age – while all his peers had struggled to find their niche in the vindictive terrain of the corporate world, Theodore Mitchell had already achieved his zenith as a successful businessman. His accounting firm was renowned in California for being known as financial hound dogs, capable of tracking a company's fiscal progress down to the last dollar. Logan knew the feeling of pressurized into following in his father's blazing footsteps all too well – not in his career of choice, but in matching and surpassing the margin of achievement he enjoyed. Though a jovial man at heart, Mr. Mitchell placed a definite emphasis on judging a person's worth by their victories in life, and his precious son was certainly no exception. "Hey dad," greeted Logan, taking in the sight of his father's ruffled suit. "Hey son" replied Mr. Mitchell, leaning forward to run his hand playfully through Logan's dark spikes. Logan turned around and was briefly afforded with a generous smile. "Hello dear" chanted Logan's mother tamely, her eyes fixated unblinkingly on the screen. "How was Pasadena?"

"Same garbage, different day. You know how it goes."

"That's nice" she said inaudibly. "There's pizza in the microwave for you."

"Aw, you shouldn't have gone through all that trouble." His snide remark earned him a dagger-eyed glare from his wife. He grinned apologetically and planted a small peck on her cheeks before lifting his head to gaze at the TV in puzzlement. "Not this thing again" he muttered tiredly. Logan turned his head to the side and watched a shiver of contempt pass through his parents as two men shared a passionate kiss. "Marlene, how can you watch this?" rebuked the bookworm's father, his voice flinchingly livid. Mrs. Mitchell turned around to face him. "Hey, I don't watch it for this" she answered while wagging her finger irritably at the two lovers, who had now taken to bed. Mr. Mitchell pursed his lips together in harsh fury. "Just turn it off for God's sakes."

"I don't get it" mumbled Logan, feeling his pensive melancholy return to him. "What does it matter that they're two men? They're just like you and me." An awkward silence followed as his parents' eyes swept probingly over his face, openly boring into him. "They're perverts if you ask me" said his mother through her clenched teeth. As Mr. Mitchell turned his back and walked into the kitchen, he gave an answer that would woundingly deliver a sleepless night to his son and let disappointment reverberate through the depths of his soul: "They're not like you and me son. They're sick, twisted people who should have no place in this world. Those freaks don't belong anywhere." Watching his father disappear into the fluorescent luminescence of the kitchen, an inordinate defiance quite uncharacteristic of the bookworm thrashed furiously deep inside of him. "Oh Dad" he thought wrathfully. "If you only knew."

**OK, gimme a review and I promise to update faster **


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter 8: The Secret Life Of Us**

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Big Time Rush or any of the characters.

**Author's Note:** Firstly, sincere apologies for getting this out so late, but this week has really been busy. Secondly, I know I've said it before, but I'm saying it again: thank you to everyone who is reviewing and adding this story to their various alerts. I hope I'm doing a good job with story as I'd hate to let you guys down. This particular chapter is dedicated to a dear friend of mine, who has been there for me through thick and thin, and I just want to take this moment to say that I love her dearly.

'If I had a single flower for every time I think about you, I could walk forever in my garden.'

Attribution made to Claudia Ghandi

Through the glistening pools of his eyes, he watched her. The warm kisses of the West Coast sun willingly entangled their light into her chestnut curls. He noticed the way her eyelids wrinkled up so completely as the tender melody of her laughter rang through his ears. The hysterics of his sorrow inflamed inside of him once more. In her own idiosyncratic beauty, she had rendered him a mere weakened shadow of his former self. It could be that he just didn't take rejection well, but there was something about this girl that set her apart from the rest of the ostentatious herd of bimbo sheep. She had a peculiar depth that made him seem so very two dimensional in comparison. Could it really be? Had he found her after all this time? Perhaps. He didn't want the kind of 'safety net' relationship like the one Kendall had with Jo. He wanted a love that could burn in the flaming vigor passion, something that would fill him entirely with an unquenchable need and consumed him entirely. "Oh God, this is straight out of _The O.C_." he thought superficially, unmindful as usual to the profound philosophical moment he just ruined within his head.

"And then-" Camille's sentence faded obscurely as she noticed the bleary-eyed hockey player charge towards her in heated strides. Logan raised an eyebrow in anticipation. "And then?" He followed her line of sight and registered an incoherent sound of acknowledgement. James Diamond seemed to fill the air with an exaggerated pathos in his strident journey to where they were. "Oh no" murmured Camille apprehensively, placing half of her body behind the bookworm. Logan swung his head around to catch a briefly glimpse the stern tension on Camille's expression, before turning back to find himself face to face with the theatrical intensity of the distraught hockey player. "Morning Mitchell" he whispered hoarsely. "James… hey, how's it going?" said Logan uncertainly, slowly backing away. From the looks of it, it was taking a gargantuan effort for James not to artlessly break down in a spectacular show of heartbreak. "Can I speak to her?" he sniffled, pointing a finger to the shamelessly uneasy figure behind him. Logan felt a finger stab him painfully in the ribs at the request. "Uh, well the thing is-"

"Camille" said James, nonchalantly shoving the bookworm out of the way. "Oh Camille, what have you done to me?"

"What have I done to you James?" asked Camille, her eyebrows knitted together in trepidation. From the scant information it took to read James's personality like a book, she knew that he was generous with his theatrics, but this was too much even for him. He shook his head vehemently, forlornly trying to dam up his tears. "You have no idea of how much I feel for you."

"We've known each other for less than a week." The hockey player cupped her face lightly and stared deeply into her astounded eyes. "Love knows no such thing as time" he said softly. "It has no beginning and no end. It just is."

"Right" said Camille, peeling his palm off of her face. Logan analyzed her carefully. Clearly, her patience with the entire situation was starting to wear thin fast. "Look James, you're just some – what are you doing?" She looked on in utter bewilderment as the hockey player dropped down on one knee and lovingly sandwiched her hand in between his own pair. "Camille" he whispered, suffocating her with the stanch look of hope plastered across his face. "Will you be my Marissa?" A silence heavily saturated in awkwardness fell upon the three of them. Camille's face contorted itself into untainted shock as James gazed at her in his imprudent optimism. She opened and closed her mouth several times to respond to the eccentric gesture, but she was just too taken aback to find the words. Behind the two ersatz lovebirds, Logan shifted uncomfortably on his feet. The unconventional Romeo-and-Juliet scene was starting to attract unwanted stares and whispers from the surrounding students. "I'd better get going to my locker" said Logan, carefully edging his way past the merry couple. Camille grabbed the back of his shirt with her free arm. "Don't you dare leave me alone with him!" she hissed lividly. Cogently prying her hand from James's doting grasp, she followed Logan down the hall, desiring to put as much distance between her and the lovesick blonde as possible. James looked on in an overcome fervor as the hasty footsteps of the only girl in Palm Wood High who was immune to his charms pounded emptily in the hall. "I'll wait for you!" he called shrilly. "Even if it takes forever!" Camille afforded Logan a look of despondency as they turned around the corner. "You know, a restraining order seems like a pretty good investment right about now."

Logan parted ways with Camille a few minutes later with a promise to meet during the lunch break. "I think James might ask to be the mother of his children" she said gravely. "Well, he already proposed" sniggered Logan, trying his utmost not to undermine the gravity of his friend's excessively infatuated stalker. Camille exhaled a tired cloud of breath. "Don't even joke about that. See you at lunch." Logan laughed softly to himself as he turned the dial to open his locker. On the face of it, one would immediately condemn the suggestion, but to him, there seemed to be something about James's sensationalized persona that gelled well with Camille's quirky practicality. "Must be a performer thing" thought the brunette smilingly, turning his attention to the confined orderliness. His hand reached for the expansive spine of the math textbook when a screamingly colorful piece of paper behind one of his books caught his eye. Judging by the skew placement, someone must have shoved it in between the thin vents of the locker door. Logan slowly picked it up and allowed his mahogany gaze to be caught by the bold heading: _Senior Prom!_ The bookworm scanned the rest of the text, which promised the reader the 'party of a lifetime', followed by an excess of exclamation marks. "So, got anyone special in mind?" came a jestingly naïve voice from behind him. Sensing the prominent insinuation of roguishness in its tone, the brunette's lips wrapped into a smile. "Good morning Kendall" he greeted, turning around to welcome the blonde's grinning face. "Hey Mitchell."

"Ah, so I'm just Mitchell now?" Logan's smirk grew slightly as he watched the hockey captain's grin falter. It was the first time he'd seen the blonde's sanguinity take a sudden nosedive. Kendall's head turned around to make sure the immediate area was clear of eavesdroppers. "Look" he whispered urgently. "It's too dangerous here. We both have a lot to lose." The bookworm gave him a fatigued sigh. "Don't I know it." Kendall blinked in awe at the brunette's weary understanding. "You really get me, don't you?" he asked softly. Logan closed the locker door with an adroit hand. "We're not so different if you think about it" he replied. He returned Kendall's gaze with a quiet cocoa intensity. "And you're right. We do have a lot to lose." The hockey captain's lips twisted into a tiny half smile. "You didn't answer my question," he said, feeling the spirited impishness within him return from its succinct exile. He watched the brunette shake his head in faux disdain. "I haven't thought about it yet" he said, waving a hand to the blonde to follow him to the staircase. "Well, what about Camille?" offered Kendall helpfully. The bookworm appraised him for any sign of dementia at the utterance of his suggestion. "So you didn't see the scene James caused earlier." A bemused frown cracked across the blonde's jocular expression. With a derisive snort, Logan quickly explained the details of James's earlier discreet Shakespearian admission of love. He was surprised to see the frown on Kendall's face deepen somewhat in exhaustion. "That guy is definitely a special kind of stupid" he muttered dryly. He turned to see the bookworm raise his eyebrows questioningly. "I went over to his house on Saturday. Long story short, it wasn't pretty. He kept going on and on about how his heart would never mend itself."

"He doesn't know the meaning of that" said Logan quietly. A disconcerting moment of stillness played up between the two of them. Logan timidly dropped his gaze to the floor as they reached the first landing. "I'm sorry. You d-"

"Deserved that?" smiled Kendall sadly. The brunette's eyes swiftly flew upwards to meet the poignant emerald mirrors. "No, I-" The rest of the words derisorily lodged themselves in his throat. He struggled to continue, but his voice simply refused to obey. Kendall tilted his head inquiringly at the bookworm's faltered response. He reached out and placed a reassuring hand on Logan's shoulder, telling him it was alright not to continue. In between the boisterous dissension of their fellow students, heartrending chocolate eyes met stirringly affectionate sea-green ones. The silent undertone of emotion swelling in both of them cruelly informed them that the awkward existence of their past was going to be a significant dynamic in this romantic undertaking. Logan reached up and let his hand linger sympathetically on Kendall's before unobtrusively removing it from the sleek warmth of his shoulder. He gave the blonde a weak grin. "How was your weekend?" he asked, attempting to displace the tender moment that had just occurred between them for now. As they climbed up the second flight of stairs, Logan noticed Kendall's eyes seemed to lose some of their usual luster. "I… I went out with Jo." The bookworm's eyes contoured themselves into perfect circles at the blonde's hesitant reply. "Went out with Jo" he repeated slowly. He pressed his fingertips against his temple to clear the dull haze that threatened to engulf his head in envy. The hockey captain picked up on the bookworm's troubled aura, and immediately attempted to correct himself. "It was just breakfast at her house" he said quickly, trying to mitigate Logan's perceived melancholy. "Not even a proper date." He captured his bottom lip in between his teeth anxiously. "I'm sorry." Logan arched an eyebrow gloomily. "What for? She's your girlfriend."

"But-"

"Kendall, I get it" he said softly. As they reached the second floor, the morning bell boomed annoyingly across the school, heralding the start of the first period. Logan looked off fretfully into the distance to see his fellow A-list mathematicians already pouring into the classroom. "I'd better go" he murmured indistinctly. With a final nod of his head, Kendall watched Logan make his way to his math classroom, and directed a perturbed antagonism towards himself. "I am such a fucking asshole" he thought furiously.

Math passed by in its customary tediousness; as did physics, biology and chemistry lab. As his teachers droned on blandly, a dense fury grew stronger within Logan as each minute passed by at a snail's pace. He could already predict how their lessons would proceed as accurately as he could foretell the dialogue in _Brothers & Sisters_. To him, school was now the vocal repetition of what he had already went over in his domineering textbooks. "One of these days, I am going to snap" he thought wrathfully. The only benefit that came out of his prior learning was that his attention was permitted to wander to more… interesting issues during his lessons. The unexpected ray of jealousy he'd felt earlier was still a bother to him, much like an incessantly irksome mosquito that refused to die. It shouldn't have existed at all. Jo was a necessary part of Kendall's life whether he liked it or not, and that was something that would most likely stay constant. He had agreed to put himself in this position, and any emotional liability he felt was solely his burden. "Then why I am feeling like this?" A blazing hurt slashed through his chest. He loved Kendall so completely – maybe even too completely. No, definitely too completely to share him with someone else. Defining love meant an element of faithfulness would have to be lain down somewhere, and unfortunately in this relationship it meant sacrificing the ideal of monogamy for a hidden love. "But then again, how can we be together without sneaking about?" contemplated the bookworm sadly. "He IS right, there's just too much at stake for both of us." Humoring himself in an uncommonly twisted manner, he entertained a dark fantasy in his head about what his parents would do if they ever found out his sordid little secret. Disowning, dismemberment, death – all seemed like expected possibilities, and that was just the fourth letter of the alphabet. The shame would be too much for them to bear. If sweet death was possible by sheer embarrassment, Theodore and Marlene Mitchell would surely die a million times. "Could I do it? Could I actually tell them?" No. "I'm too much of a coward." The brunette knew that they valued their prestige above all else, and he was a fundamental component in that pride, albeit resentfully. The guilt of knowing that he would be the cause of his parents being downcast in society would kill him. Hearing the bell for the next lesson toll in the halls, Logan inhaled deeply. Even within the laissez-faire boundaries of Los Angeles, even with today's social progress, the bookworm had a nagging suspicion that he just wouldn't be able to catch a break.

He strolled unconsciously over to his English classroom with a myriad of heavy thoughts sprinting through his mind. Near the classroom, he picked up his head to see Kendall leaning against the wall, perceptively gauging him through his emerald gaze. "You took your sweet time" he grinned playfully. Logan threw him a rueful smirk. He considered offering some sort of witty retort, but his instincts told him that the hockey captain would see right through the concealment. "I'm not all here today" he replied quietly. The blonde's expression grew serious, and he took a powerful step forward to bridge the tense space between them. Behind him, the rest of the class entered the room in their accustomed raucous style. "Where do you want to be?" he whispered, sending a deep sensual pleasure shooting through the bookworm's body. Logan lifted his flickering brown eyes and caught onto the hockey captain's consternated watch. "Anywhere but here." As Kendall stared into those beckoning chocolate pools, it took all of his resolve not to lay his lips onto Logan's. He saw the brunette in all the modest beauty he possessed. How the hell did he live for the past six months without this unpretentious angel in his life? Tearing himself away from Logan's cocoa pools of weariness, he took a deep breath in and turned around to see the last of their straggling classmates go inside. He indicatively jerked his head in the door's direction. "Come on."

Logan led the blonde into the disharmony of the classroom and stopped near the front row to do a brief sweep of the room. A small relief comforted him – his usual seat at the back of the class had not been taken. Making his way to his secluded throne, he turned around and saw Kendall right behind him, tagging his every step. The bookworm frowned. "Why are you following me?" he whispered urgently, careful not attract the superfluous attention of the others. The blonde's reply was short and mysterious. "You'll see after class." Logan shook his head and took his appointed seat, with Kendall taking the seat in front of him. With a commanding click of her heels against the tiled floor, Mrs. Heartwood entered the room, and almost instantly killed her class's noise with a casual wave of her hand. As the last of the mundane drone died out, the bookworm leant forward over his desk to the blonde. "What are you up to?" he asked. The hockey captain gave nothing away as he stubbornly shook his head, leaving Logan to withdraw his body back to his seat in a dazed confusion.

Despite Mrs. Heartwood's vivacious sermon about the relevance of Victorian-era poems in today's society; English, as with the other periods, plodded by at an apathetic speed. However, this time the brunette knew it wasn't due to him having already covered this in one of his textbooks – Kendall had piqued his interest with whatever he had planned for after the lesson. Following English would be the lunch hour, meaning his plans to meet Camille and help her stave off James's over-the-top advances would go to waste. "Midday screw?" thought Logan miserably. "No, too many people around. Unless we do it in his car. No one ever goes to the parking lot during school hours." The unsavory thought of him and the hockey captain passionately cavorting about each others' bodies in the backseat of the silver Mercedes made the bookworm shudder in distaste. As badly as he wanted Kendall, there was just too many issues hanging precariously up in the air for him to feel anything but emptiness today. "This is what I wanted, so why am I so miserable?" He mentally kicked himself for not being able to give in to the natural instinct of happiness like his peers.

Like a gift from the heavens, the lunch bell trilled its relieving song through Palm Wood High, and caused the dissonance of chairs and desks chafing against the floor. "See you all tomorrow" cooed Mrs. Heartwood sweetly, and made a much deserved retreat out of the door and down the stairs to the staffroom. As the rest of the class eagerly stampeded to the cafeteria, Logan carefully packed away his books and pencil case in his characteristic meticulousness. Feeling the hockey captain's emerald eyes practically burning into him, the bookworm leant down and zipped up his backpack. "You're staring." A resounding silence answered his murmured statement. Letting out a weary breath, he stood up and lifted his bag by the handle. "So what do-" His enquiry was cut short by Kendall raising his hands and compellingly shoving him up against the wall. Letting out a muffled yelp with what little air he had left in his lungs, the brunette dropped his head to see one of the hockey captain's arms twist itself caringly around his waist, while the other snuck up and gently lifted his chin so that the swimming green affection of his eyes infiltrated him right down to the deepest echelon of his soul. The blonde lowered his head and bracingly took Logan's lips with his own. He felt the bookworm moan pleasurably as he ran his tongue across his satin soft lips and tenderly pushed them apart. His hand slowly snuck under the brunette's shirt and teasingly stroked his back, eliciting a hedonistic shiver from the feather light touches. Kendall pulled back and gazed into Logan's bleak chocolate pools. He felt the brunette chest breathlessly heave in his craving grasp. "What if someone saw?" he panted, torn between the crescendos of fury and helpless want rising within him. "No one comes here during lunch" whispered the blonde quietly, catapulting Logan into a wonderfully delirious state of lightheadedness. The bookworm painfully closed his eyes. He was so caught in between his feelings for the hockey captain and what was expected of him that he just couldn't breathe anymore. His perfectly articulated world of sensibility was quickly starting to crash around him, and there was nothing he could do to stop it. He sensed Kendall draw his head closer and let his mouth hover next to his ear. "Logan" he murmured softly. "Tell me what's wrong."

"Nothing. Why would you say that?"

"Don't lie to me." The bookworm let out a tiny snort. "You really get me don't you?"

"We're not so different if you think about it." Logan opened his eyes and stared directly at the hockey captain. "That's my line" he smirked weakly. The blonde proffered a small grin in return. "Stop dodging. Tell me." He tightened his grip around Logan's waist and drew him closer. As he placed his hands on the hockey captain's chest, he felt the gaping chasm within him fill rapidly with every conflicting emotion he had ever since the weekend. This was it – he was ready to let loose. "You remember when you told me you went out with Jo?" he asked quietly. Kendall nodded. The bookworm took a deep breath in before continuing. "I said I got, but the truth was-" He turned his head to the side, unable to hold Kendall's concerned stare anymore. "I was jealous of her. She'll always get you Kendall. Always, because you have to put her first. And I understand everything you could lose, but it's killing me because… because I love you." He dropped his weakened gaze to the floor. "That's all I can give to you." The blonde felt the brunette's body go limp. "Is that all?" he asked gently. "I could tell you about my homophobic parents, but it would kind of ruin the moment." Kendall chuckled throatily. He lifted his free hand and affectionately cupped Logan's neck. He felt the brunette's pulse instantly race at his touch, and he loved it. No one else made him feel the way Logan did, not even Jo: he understood that now. "Logan" he murmured. "What we have, it's not perfect. Far from it actually: we have to keep this quiet, we have to keep sneaking about, and we can't be seen in public-"

"Is this supposed to make me feel better?"

"My point is," continued Kendall, "is that for me, just being with you makes it all worth it." He pressed a compassionate kiss underneath Logan's ear. "And for what it's worth _Mitchell_," he emphasized teasingly, "I love you too." Physically, Logan's head spun around to gape astonishingly at the hockey captain, but that was nothing compared the whirlpool in his psyche. He raised his eyebrow. "Please Kendall," he begged faintly. "Don't say it unless you mean it."

"I do mean it. I love you." A spark ignited somewhere deep inside Logan. Hearing those words come out from the love he adored so much wholly erased everything else he'd felt up to now. He lifted his hands and wrapped them around the hockey captain's neck, feeling he might levitate towards the ceilings with the elated buoyancy that filled him to the brim. He tugged Kendall towards him and fixed their lips together in the sweetest lip lock he'd ever had. The hollowness within him now filled up with the entirety he had so longed for. Pulling their heads apart, the hockey captain and the bookworm stared longingly at each other. Silently, they entrusted each other with their hearts, relying on the other not to break it. Each of them felt giddy warmth touch their hearts: they knew that they were now properly where they belonged – right next to each other, an amalgamating embrace apart.

"Camille, I would slit my wrists for you!"

"Then do me a favor and do it, you brainless ape!" James passionately banged his fist against the door of the girl's bathroom. "I'm your Ryan!"

"What the hell does that even mean?" James turned around and cursed furiously. Why couldn't this girl understand how much he loved her? "Diamond, what are you doing?" He looked up to see Kendall and that Mitchell guy stare at him in wary befuddlement like he was some rabid dog. He sniffed despondently. "She won't come out. I don't know what else to do!" He pulled a crinkled piece of paper from the pocket of his tight-fitting jeans and handed it over to the hockey captain. "I even wrote a love letter declaring the infinite reaches of my love." With an apprehensive smirk, Kendall unwrapped the deep proclamation of his teammate's love and showed it to Logan. As their eyes scanned the untidily written words, both of them bit their lips to stop a smothering bout of laughter from possessing them.

_My hairdryer is red_

_My lucky comb is blue_

_Hair gel is awesome_

_And I think you're swell too_

"Wow… well, it certainly is your style James" offered Logan hopefully, staring at Kendall for help. The blonde quickly came to the bookworm's rescue. "Yeah, this is way deep man." James regarded them for a gauche moment before tossing his locks in distress. "It's fucking awful!" he cried, running his hand underneath his eyes. "Now, I'll die alone!" With an earsplitting howl, he bolted off into the damning solitude of the hall, leaving Logan and Kendall to stare in his wake with thunderstruck eyes. "So… that wasn't awkward at all" said Logan, turning to face the blonde. "He's just not used to hearing the word 'no'" sighed the hockey captain, running his hand casually through his hair. He stared down at James's terribly shallow declaration. "I'm just so God damn tired of hearing his crap."

"So what would get him to stop?"

"If she was his girlfriend." Logan scoffed sardonically. "That's not going to happen."

"I know, I know." He frowned slightly at the letter in his hand as a mischievous glint appeared in his eyes. "But maybe we could make it happen." Logan tilted his head quizzically. "I don't like the sound of this."

That night, as he lay stared up at the ceiling, Logan Mitchell was on an unquestionable high. This was unquestionably the best day of his life, even surpassing Friday. 'I love you.' He could still hear Kendall's voice send those words spinning into his very essence. He would never forget that moment – it was too defining. He dropped his sight onto the notebook and pen lying in wait on his chest. "This is one messed up plan" he thought to himself. "I just hope it works." Sighing ecstatically, he picked up the writing instruments and closed his eyes. Letting that one elated moment become his muse, he put the pen to the paper, and guided the deluge of love through him:

_Camille_

_Someone once said that beauty is the only thing in the world you can trust, because it makes everything else look corrupt in comparison. For me, that couldn't be a more honest description of how I feel for you. I know that you can count the days I've known you on one hand, but my heart feels like it's known you for a lifetime and more. Have you ever wondered why I still keep telling you that I love you despite your rejection? It's because of the state that I'm in. You're the only thing I think of; in day, night and everything in between. Nothing you say or do will change my feelings – I love you Camille Roberts, I always will._

_You've probably heard of my reputation, and I know that our date didn't go very well. In fact, you probably think I'm the world's most self-centered jerk right about now, and you're probably right. I just want you to know that I'm willing to change everything that I am for you. Hell, I'd go to the ends of the earth just to have you by my side. _

_I hope that you'll give me a second chance_

_With all my love_

_James_

**Hey hey people, I hoped you enjoyed this chapter. Stay tuned for more! Please do you best not to turn me into a James and review! Pretty pretty please… **


	9. Chapter 9

**Chapter 9: I Can't Make Me Love You**

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Big Time Rush or any of the characters, but people can dream right?

**Author's Note:** A thousand apologies for getting this chapter out so late, but in between school, my other story and a generally confusing time right about now, things are really starting to spiral out of control. Thank you again for all the reviews and alert additions, I really appreciate it. As always, your thoughts are always welcome, so please keep them coming. Enjoy chapter 9!

'The heart has its reasons that reason knows nothing of.'

Blaise Pascal

"Where were you yesterday?" If Logan had any doubt that today was Tuesday, Camille's thunderous growl cleared it up instantly. Unlike the majority of Palm Wood High who experienced the common syndrome of Monday blues, things always seemed to go wrong for him on Tuesdays for some absurd reason; and Camille's dagger-throwing glower only served to help prove the hypothesis correct. School hadn't even started and already things were beginning to go askew. Logan swallowed nervously, shifting his bag from the bus seat to the floor. As Camille sat down next to him, the refined fury in her eyes never left the brunette for a second. "So?" she asked through gritted teeth. Logan smiled weakly. "So?"

"So where the hell were you yesterday?"

"Camille-"

"Didn't I say to meet me at lunch so that that self-centered dimwit of a hockey player wouldn't harass me?"

"Yes, but-"

"And what were you doing outside the girls' bathroom yesterday?" Logan raised his eyebrows. "How'd you-"

"Because I spent the entire lunch period barricaded in there, WHICH I WOULDN'T HAVE HAD TO IF YOU'D SHOWN UP FOR LUNCH LIKE I'D ASKED YOU TO LOGAN!" shouted Camille, throwing up her hands in a fit of unqualified rage. The bookworm took a nervous glance around their seat. Luckily, his companion's rant had gone relatively unnoticed by the rest of the passengers. He gave a relieved sigh. "Camille, I'm really sorry about lunch yesterday, but something important came up." He bit his lip at the sight of her expectant glare. Clearly, his excuse wasn't illuminating enough for her liking. "'Something important came up?'" she repeated, withdrawing her hand into a tight fist of quivering ire. "Like what?" The bookworm dropped his gaze to the floor. Apart from Kendall, Camille was the only true friend he had in Palm Wood High. Even though their friendship only spanned six days, he still felt guilty for hiding the truth from her. "I can't say."

"Logan!"

"I'm sorry, but I can't." Camille shook her head disapprovingly at Logan's clandestine justification for his absence. "Then can you at least tell me why you were outside the bathroom?"

"Uh…"

"Logan, if you don't tell me why you were outside the bathroom, I swear to God I will beat you black and blue!"

"The thing is…"

"LOGAN!" As he felt her small fist collide into his ribcage, the bookworm wondered what other unfortunate twists today had in store from him. "Today is definitely Tuesday."

Half an hour later, the brunette entered the sparsely populated English class and took to his secluded retreat at the back of the class. He had assured Camille that he would show up at lunch today, a deal which left her slightly mollified, but still furious at him. "You'd better show up and keep James away from me, or else the prom committee's going to be using both of your heads as disco balls" she had threatened, before stampeding away into her history class. Logan winced as the bruise on his ribcage throbbed dully. He gingerly placed a hand on his side as a reminder to keep his promise and not arouse the wrath of his friend any more than he already had. "Who knew she could hit so hard?" he thought, flinching as a fresh wave of pain shot through his side. There was no question about it – Camille Roberts was definitely dynamite in a small package. "God, I hope Kendall knows what he's doing" thought the brunette anxiously. "If this plan backfires, I'm the one who has to pay." On cue, the hockey captain entered the class, immediately fortifying the atmosphere with his enigmatic confidence. The smile that always seemed to play around his lips grew wider as he caught sight of Logan. Taking brief note of the unusual quiet in the classroom, he headed into the labyrinth of desks and chairs until he reached the seat in front of Logan. "Isn't today a great day?" he asked, indifferent to brunette's confused gaze at his resilience. "The sun is shining, the birds are singing – and you look like you're having a heart attack" he remarked, contracting his eyebrows together. "What happened?"

"Camille punched me." The blonde blinked in amazement at the bookworm's pained statement. "I'm sorry," he said in polite bewilderment, "could you repeat that?"

"She was pissed that I didn't show up for lunch with her yesterday."

"Oh, so you had a lunch date with her." The brunette gave a weary sigh. Kendall seemed to relish making light of the unfair hurdles life put out for him. "It's nothing like that."

"Well Logan, I must say I'm very disappointed in you. I honestly thought you were a true gentleman, but here you go and make dates with girls and you don't even keep them" exclaimed Kendall, his smile threatening to split his face in two. "What is your excuse?" Logan threw him a dark stare. "You had other plans, remember?" A loud buzz interrupted their conversation. Both of them turned around to see a small group of girls enter the class and take seats in the front while emitting the most obnoxiously high-pitched laugh known to man. The hockey captain returned his attention to Logan. "Other plans huh? You mean like saying 'I love you'?" He grinned impishly as he watched the bookworm turn a deep shade of scarlet. He lowered his head slightly so that the brunette could hear him better. He loved watching those chocolate eyes fill up with so much affection. They were his, and no one else's: he would make certain of that. "I love you" he whispered softly. The bookworm returned his adoring gaze along with a sheepish grin. "I love you too" he mumbled. The blonde tilted his head comically, basking in the bookworm's mahogany watch. "While we're on the topic of love, did you do what I asked?"

"You're not the boss of me."  
>"But don't you just love it when I… take control?" asked Kendall, playfully licking his lips. Logan shook his head. "Walls have ears you know."<p>

"You're worried about them?" he asked, pointing out the group of girls in the front with his thumb. "They're don't care about anything except who lands up in their beds." Another earsplitting chorus of cackles erupted from them. Kendall lifted his eyebrow in triumph. "See? You worry too much."

"And you worry too little. Weren't you the one who said we have a lot to lose?"

"Yeah, but we were out in the hallway back then. It's just us, some clever people and the _Witches of L.A._ in here. Now do you have the letter?" Logan conceded defeat at the blonde's stubbornness and reached into his pocket. He pulled out a crinkled piece of paper and handed it over. He watched with a deep fascination as Kendall unfolded the false declaration of love and read it with widened eyes. "Wow. This is just… wow." He grinned in astonishment at the bookworm. "How'd you manage to write this?"

"Let's just say I had a really good source of inspiration." Kendall's smile faded as he read the letter once more. He looked up at Logan and felt an abrupt high take over him. "I'm glad yesterday happened." The brunette's eyes twinkled. "You have no idea how long I've been dreaming of you saying that."

"It's not a dream anymore Logan. It's real. I'm for real." The ruby blush returned to the bookworm's milky complexion. "Can I ask you something not completely off topic?"

"Shoot." Yet another drone of chatter came from the front, signaling the rest of the class's arrival. "What are you planning for Friday?" Kendall gifted the bookworm with a mysterious smirk. "You'll find out."

"When?"

"Friday." Logan exhaled exasperatedly. In between the impossible mission of getting James and Camille together, and wondering what Kendall had in store for him on Friday, today was already one for the books. "This is a Tuesday to remember" thought the bookworm, hopelessly parting his lips into a tired smile.

Kendall found his utterly theatrical teammate aimlessly wandering an empty corridor in the school four hours later during the lunch period. Apart from his uniform expression of watery forlornness, he was dressed from head to toe in black. The hockey captain groaned desperately as he approached James. Trying to get Camille to see good boyfriend material in this egotistical Neanderthal was impossible to begin with, but him dressing up like the Grim Reaper did wonders for increasing the chances of this blowing up in everyone's faces. "Dude, what up with the Goth outfit?" asked Kendall in frustration as James trudged slowly towards him. The hockey player pouted sourly. "I'll have you know that black is an extremely serious color" he replied haughtily. "It is classy, elegant and has subtle undertones of wild passion. Plus, it always remains in style." The hockey captain's mouth dropped open from shock. James was outrageous by nature, but this went beyond the boundaries of ridiculous. "OK, thanks for the fashion lesson. Now why are you kitted out like Darth Vader?"

"Because of Camille!" he whined. "She wants me to be serious, so I had to start with the outside to make her think I'm the same on the inside."  
>"James, have you ever thought of just being considerate and serious on the inside?" James waved his hand indignantly in front of the blonde's face. "Kendall, please get a reality check. Like anyone can see what's on the inside of people. Besides, who would want to see a bunch of guts and blood anyways?" The blonde opened his mouth to reply but immediately thought the better of it. It took too much effort for any sense to penetrate that thick skull, and time was running out. He pulled out Logan's love letter from his shirt pocket and thrust it forward into James's open hand. "Just give this to Camille."<p>

"What is it?" asked James, examining the folded paper like it was a weapon of mass destruction. "It's a love letter. If you want to get Camille to like you, make sure she gets it as soon as possible." James scoffed. "James Diamond doesn't have to resort to help from others to get a girl."

"Right, because everything you've tried so far has charmed the panties off of her."

"Hey, do not talk about my future wife's panties!"

"Just give her the fucking letter and she'll be yours, I promise you." James shifted on his feet. Camille Roberts had already wounded his prided charismatic skills to within an inch of their death. It seemed ridiculous that Kendall was asking him to crush them even further by requesting him to put his faith in this piece of paper, but what choice did he have? This was the one girl who actually made him feel this way, and he never wanted to let go. "You sure this will work?" he asked softly. The hockey captain nodded emphatically. James blinked in disbelief. "Well then… wish me luck." Without a further thought, he turned around and headed straight down the hall for the cafeteria, leaving Kendall to stare after him in his vapid wake. "Dear God, PLEASE let this work" he prayed.

In between the liberating chatter of the cafeteria, a tense Logan sat opposite an uncharacteristically quiet Camille. Her face was as blank as a sheet of stone, impervious to the small talk the bookworm had attempted to make for the past fifteen minutes. He craned his neck to get a better view of the room and agitatedly wondered what was keeping James. A lurking suspicion told him this operation was destined for failure, but he still had to try, at least for Kendall's sake. He returned his gaze to the pursuing eyes in front of him. "Still mad at me?" he asked fretfully, his voice suddenly going up by several octaves. He rubbed his throat worriedly. Camille pierced her plastic fork through a cherry tomato on her tray before letting out a deep breath. "I was never mad at you Logan."

"Yeah, and that's why it hurts every time I touch my ribs." She rolled her eyes. "Stop being such a baby, I didn't punch you that hard."

"Would you like to see the bruise?"

"Only if I get a private show to boot," she giggled, taking a sadistic pleasure in the crimson flushing the bookworm's face. She continued to play around with her limp lettuce leaves before continuing. "I just wish that James would stop chasing after me." Logan looked at her sympathetically. "You know, this is the first time he's ever been like this. Well, over a girl at least. I think you really have some sort of effect on him."

"Effect or not Logan, he's not my type."

"So what is your type then?" Camille's eyes sparkled wistfully. She slowly placed down her fork on the tray, and abandoned her wilting salad. "If you dare tell anyone this, I will strongly deny it, kill you and serve your insides up with mashed potatoes."

"I believe that." They both laughed before the nostalgic expression spread over Camille's delicate features again. "Ever since I was a kind, I've been obsessed with fairytale princesses. I've always dreamed that someday I'd meet my prince-"

"Now when you say 'prince', do you mean like actual royalty?" interrupted Logan seriously. Camille frowned for a moment. "Well, it would be nice if he was, but it's not a set requirement."

"Ah, I see. Please continue."

"I mean, I just want to meet a sweet guy who'll sweep me off my feet and treat me like I'm his world." She unconsciously tucked a stray lock of hair neatly behind her ear. "Unfortunately, reality doesn't follow fantasy at all." Her eyes dropped to sadly behold the shining white plastic of the table. The bookworm raised his eyebrows in agreement. Life could sometimes just blatantly bypass one's dreams and paint a very different picture to what was expected – he should know. "Maybe you just need to look a little deeper" he said, careful to place his thoughts in a non-offensive manner. Camille's voluptuous lips pursed themselves together. "Meaning?"

"Meaning that sometimes we miss what's staring us in the face. Who knows, your prince could be right in front of you. Take James for example."

"Now you're just asking me to see what isn't there." They burst out into another round of laughter at the hockey player's expense, almost missing the looming shape of heartache steadily approaching their table. As his laughter subsided, Logan caught onto James's sorrowful expression out of the corner of his eye. His cocoa eyes averted themselves to the floor, bracing himself for the hysterical display that was about to come. Camille knitted her eyebrows together at Logan's lowered head, before turning around to see James Diamond stand right in front of her. His trembling lips and miserably gleaming eyes were priceless, and the morbid tone of his outfit only added to the effect. "If I weren't involved in this, I'd find it really funny" thought Camille morosely, steeling herself for whatever melodrama James was going to dole out. She balefully raised an eyebrow at the distraught hockey player. "James, what are you doing here?" His body jerked anxiously as if it wanted to do reach out and touch her, but he resisted the urge. "I wanted to give you something" he whispered throatily. Camille turned to face Logan in disbelief, but the brunette steadily kept his eyes fixed on the floor to avoid being dragged into another Shakespearean scene. She returned her attention to James. "Whatever it is, I don't want it. I have nothing to say to you."

"Fair enough. I'll let this do the talking then." He pulled out the now crinkled letter out of his pocket and tentatively handed it over to her. She regarded it with a mild surprise before snapping her eyes back onto him. "What's this?"

"Just something I've wanted you to know ever since I first met you." He looked at her with an uncomfortable intensity. "I know you think that I'm probably just a pretty face" he said quietly. "But you're wrong. You wanna know why?"

"Why?"

"Because firstly, this is not just any pretty face. It's THE prettiest face. And secondly, I love you." Camille shook her head indifferently. "You really don't get it, do you?"

"Just read the letter, and we'll see how you feel." With an extravagant flick of his Hollywood-worthy hair, he turned dramatically on his heel and left. Logan immediately lifted his head and stared after his wake. He turned his head slowly and felt the gigantic butterflies of metaphor whip their wings excitedly in the pit of his stomach as he watched Camille carefully unfold the letter and read it with great interest. He watched her eyes travel across the lines he'd written over and over again, as if hoping the words would come alive and announce themselves to her. Eventually she folded the letter back into its original form and tapped it against the table in thought. Her lips gradually expanded into a mischievous smirk, making the bookworm all the more uneasy. He clenched his bottom lip between his teeth. "So what'd it say?" he asked uncertainly, gripping his seat tightly in case she exploded at any minute. To his amazement, she smiled serenely back at him. "Oh, nothing much… but you know you really were right."

"I was?"

"Yeah. I really did need to see what was right in front of me." Over the disordered harmony of the student body, the bell trilled melodiously, signaling the end of lunch. Logan stood up and swung his bag over his shoulder, appraising Camille with a consternated eye. "What do you mean?" The smile on Camille's face grew wider. "It means, my dear Logan that I may have found my prince."

**Wow… so has Camille finally decided to give James a chance or is something else about to happen? And now that Kendall said I love you to Logan, where does that leave him and Jo? Find out next chapter! Please, please please review! And don't be so mean to James, he's such a loveable oaf! **


	10. Chapter 10

**Chapter 10: The Eris Factor**

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Big Time Rush or any of the characters, and you should know by now that it's for good reason ;)

**Author's Note:** Wow, it's been a while since my last update. Hope you all are enjoying the story so far. Here is chapter 10, so please sit back, relax, read and review

'What "love" is, I don't know, if it's not the response of our deepest natures to one another.'

William Carlos Williams

"_And so the scorned goddess of discord threw the golden apple into the ceremony and forever changed the face of Greece._" With a frustrated sigh, Camille realized she had been reading the same sentence for the twentieth time now, and it point blank refused to stick in her head. Shutting the book closed, she looked blandly out of the car window at the passing houses instead. In between careful gazes at the road ahead, Mrs. Roberts occasionally turned to the side to appraise her daughter with sly eyes and a cunning smile. Camille had returned from school yesterday with a more buoyant attitude than usual, almost bordering on giddiness. She immediately knew what the cause behind the sudden airiness was – after all, she was once a teenager too. "So are you going to tell me his name?" she cooed sweetly, gently pressing the brake to halt at a stop street. Camille's head snapped around quickly, but her reaction time to her mother's statement wasn't as fast as the crimson tinge that rose in her face. "I have no idea what you're talking about" she replied curtly and returned to the suburban scenery with a dramatic huff. Mrs. Roberts smiled even more broadly. So far, she was hitting all the right buttons. "Of course you don't dear. I'm just driving you to school because my horoscope advised me to, instead of having you take the bus and letting me have two more hours of sleep today."

"Actually, Mercury is in Gemini for the rest of the month, so that means that Sagittarians should watch out for communication and transport related problems."

"Camille, stop dodging the question" said Mrs. Roberts as she gently swerved the car into a right turn. The blush on her daughter's face deepened in its vermillion intensity. She tapped her fingers nervously on the ancient cover of _Greek Mythology – An Ancient History_. The fact of the matter was Camille didn't really have an answer to give: partly because she had made it so obvious, but mostly it had come so unexpectedly to her. When she fell in love, she thought it would be more… mushy for lack of a better term. A handsome foreign stranger, preferably French in origin, would come and engage her in a whirlwind romance, marry her and then they would live out their years wearing rose-colored glasses. Instead she ended up with a more practical affair on her hands, not that she was complaining. Besides, one could not expect anything less when a certain inconspicuous bookworm with polished mahogany eyes was involved. A sneaking notion played out in her mind ever since she had met Logan Mitchell that day, but yesterday's lunch period had been like a shining beacon. There was no chance on earth that James Diamond, of all fools JAMES DIAMOND, could have written such an irresistible confession of the heart. No, she knew who the real author of the love letter was – all she needed to do was prove it. "There is someone" she said slowly, after a short period of contemplation. Her mother nodded approvingly as her hand slammed down on the hooter in short bursts for the SUV in front of her to move. "Damn it, why do people in drive such big cars? Go on, I'm listening."

"Well, the thing is I just have to prove something first." Mrs. Mitchell frowned. "Prove? Camille, this isn't science or anything."

"It's so I don't end up looking like an idiot Mom."

"Wait a minute, I think I know who it is!" exclaimed her mother triumphantly. "It's that blonde guy who picked you up last week, isn't it?" Camille shuddered in disgust. "No Mom, it wasn't James." The older woman's glee instantly disappeared at the sign of her loss. With a dry sigh, she turned left into the road on which Palm Wood High was situated. "Aw, that's a shame. He had nice hair. And a nice ass too, are you sure it's not him?" Camille gave another sigh. "Mothers."

Carlos Garcia grabbed his geography notebook and shut his locker with an appreciative smile. Today, he was a happy man. Well, he was always a 'half full glass' kind of person, but today he just felt that little extra push by fate. So far, everything had gone off smoothly today: he was on time for school for the first time in six months, his mother had made his favorite breakfast of pancakes and syrup for him, and James seemed to be grinning from ear to ear. He turned around to see his teammate skip excitedly within his vicinity, gazing up at the ceiling with the kind of smile that would make the Cheshire cat proud. The Latino was grateful for the stilted silence between them. For the past couple of days, he had lost the ability to hear anything in the morning, except for the wailing drone about the loneliness of heartbreak and what it was like to be unloved. Carlos had nothing against his friend, but he lacked the patience to deal with someone who was so incredulously wrapped up in their own world, so it was a miracle that he made through the past couple of days with his sanity intact. Babysitting James through a rejection was an act he could look back on when on his deathbed, and say to his children that he boldly stared into the face of sheer madness and laughed. Seeing the blonde return to a solid semblance of his former self was a relief to the Latino. He prayed that his lucky streak would continue, and that the vapid moron wouldn't revert back to his melancholic theatrics. "You know Carlos," said James lightly, "being in love is like a floating on a cloud made of cotton candy."

"Funny. Last week you said that being in love was like being stabbed by a sword made of rock candy." The blonde nodded in agreement, indicating they should make their way to class. "Yes, but last week I was blinded by my pain. Today, I feel that luck is on my side. My love will surely return to me!" he exclaimed, gesturing widely with an electrified arm. This was the perfect point in time where Carlos could have easily interjected with a sharp dose of reality and tell James that it was highly unlikely that Camille would come back to him, but he wisely kept his mouth shut. If James chose to delude himself, so be it. He wasn't about to jinx the blonde's bliss, as it would mean having to play the sympathetic ear again for God knows how long. "Well, I'm happy you're back to normal dude." James looked at him with raised eyebrows. "Normal? Man, I'm better than normal. I'm like a supermodel with superpowers! I'm like… David Beckham!"

"I don't think that David Beckham has superpowers."

"Of course he does! His hair is always perfect, you can't tell me that's normal." With a shake of his head, Carlos resigned himself to defeat. James was one diamond that could not be broken.

The two hockey players continued to walk to their geography class, when James suddenly stopped in his tracks. He looked off carefully into the distance before giving the Latino an exultant smile. "See?" He pointed across the hall to the figure of a cheerily waving Camille coming towards them. "Didn't I tell you she'd come?" Carlos strained his eyes to examine the female coming towards them more carefully. Every ounce of common sense within him screamed out that that girl should not be Camille Roberts; that his eyes were deceiving him, but there she was before them, clear as day. Several explanations for this unnatural occurrence ran through his mind – a concussion, amnesia or bipolar disorder. "Damn, what did he do?" thought the Latino in astonishment. Camille walked up to them and graced them with an ethereal smile, despite Carlos's look of rude shock. "James" she whispered harmoniously, placing a hand daintily on his muscular torso. The blonde radiated pure adoration at her through his puppy dog eyes. "Yes my love?" he asked softly. Camille's smile took a seductive undertone. "I couldn't stop reading your letter last night. It was so… sexy."

"Well, I do aim to please." Carlos emitted an untimely cough, reminding the other two of his presence. His interjection earned him a furious glower from James. "Don't you have somewhere else to be?" whispered James heatedly, before returning his attention to the sensual brunette beauty in front of him. Sighing hopelessly, the Latino took a couple of steps back to give the over-the-top duo their privacy. "Now, where were we?"

"You know what my favorite part of your love letter was?" asked Camille innocently. Her fingers played lightly upon the blonde's yearning lips. "Tell me" he whispered, pulling beauty closer to him. Having the object of his desire this close to him devastated his body with tsunamis of ecstasy. Camille raised an eyebrow. "I loved the part where you said you would let me do dirty, naughty things to you" she murmured as she lined James's face with a caressing hand. Her smirk grew when she felt the idiot shudder pleasurably. "Babe, you can do whatever you want to me" he moaned. "I just need to be with you."

"But before we get to that, could you do me a favor?"

"Anything." Camille's eyes flashed in her victory. "The next time you get someone else to write a love letter for you, make sure you actually read it before you give it to a girl!" Her hand left the hockey player's face momentarily and reconnected with it in a resounding slap, freezing it in a sideward orientation. She took a satisfied glance at the angry red of his skin before politely writhing her body out of his grip. "Have a nice day" she sang cheerily, passing by Carlos with a sunny grin. The Latino gave her a quick look of utter bewilderment, and quickly strode to his teammate. "Dude, are you OK?" he asked concernedly. The blonde fool blinked several times before responding. "She slapped me" he said blankly. Carlos pressed on. "I know, but are you alright?" Three more stunned blinks. "She slapped me." The Latino gave a quiet sigh, and appraised the blonde with an examining sweep of his eyes. As he watched James tenderly feel his injured cheek with pathetic whimpers, he mourned the loss of his terse lucky streak. "Back to square one" he groaned.

_I love the way your eyes light up every time I'm close to you._

_I love the way you smile every time I say your name._

_I love the way your heartbeat races every time we kiss._

A modest smile crept upon the bookworm's face as he shuffled through the three small pieces of pastel colored cardboard. It was obvious who the unnamed author of the affectionate notes were, and Logan felt flattered that he took the time to create them. "He must have spent ages on these for them to come out so neat" thought the brunette smilingly, placing the notes back into the clandestine depths his locker. All things considered, being in a relationship with the hockey captain was like living off of a eccentric elation – there were heavy risks involved, especially when heartbreak was concerned, but each time the blonde pressed those tenderly wanting lips of his against the bookworm's, it cleared every single doubt disappear. Logan carefully shut his locker door and turned around to be startled by Camille's eerie smile. A slight frown cracked across his forehead as he took a step back. "What happened to you this morning? You weren't on the bus." The faint blush on the drama queen's cheek did not escape his eyes. He also noticed that she dropped her head and became extremely interested in her feet for some reason. This was not definitely not the Camille Roberts type of behavior he'd come to expect. "Camille," he asked uncertainly. "You OK?" A small smile wound around her lips when she finally raised her head to meet his eyes. "That letter James gave me yesterday," she said softly, "he didn't write it, did he?" Logan raised his eyebrows. "I… I… I… I have no idea what you're talking-"

"Please don't lie" she said, her softly darkened eyes imploring him for the truth. The bookworm gave a hopeless sigh, surrendering to her plea. "I wrote it for him" he admitted blandly. He felt a small knot of disappointment appear in his stomach – the plan had failed miserably. Camille took a step closer towards him, her searching face mere centimeters away from his. "I thought as much" she murmured, and with a small laugh, gently locked onto his lips with her own. Logan opened his mouth, but his moan of surprise was stifled by the drama queen's tongue gently slipping into his moist cavern. His body immediately went into a state of corpse-like rigidity. He felt her hands travel gently up his sides, teasingly touching his ribcage. After about a minute, she pulled back, gazing breathlessly at the astounded bookworm, the blush on her face now heavily magnified in intensity. "See you at lunch" she whispered, turning around with a flick of her luscious curls. Looking at her walk around the corner, Logan lifted his trembling fingers to his lips and traced the same lavish path as the drama queen. An eternity of moments filled with unadulterated shock passed before any feeling came back to his taut body. "What the hell was that?"

"She kissed you?" asked Kendall breathlessly in between laughs. Logan frowned deeply as he watched the hockey captain fall back against the wall with his arms crossed around his sides. "I'm glad YOU find this funny" remarked the bookworm coldly. It was lunch time, and the brunette had found an empty classroom to relay the morning's events to the hockey captain. It was obvious that only one of them found levity in the situation. The blonde let his last laugh out in an echoing guffaw before finally standing up straight. Logan's expression immediately swam into one of severe consternation, so much so that Kendall thought he may pass out from his hyper anxiety. The bookworm rubbed his thumb against his forehead tensely. "What am I going to do Kendall?"

"Frankly, I don't see what you're worried about. You should be flattered." The brunette stared perplexedly at him. The playful smirk on the hockey captain's face told him that he wasn't taking this seriously: but then again, he didn't have to. He wasn't the one who Camille had kissed, and he certainly wasn't going to be the one who'd have to respond to that errant action. "Flattered? How can I be flattered when I have to tell someone that I don't like them in that way?" Kendall walked forward and wrapped his arms around affectionately around Logan's waist, gently placing his chin upon the soft spiky forest of the brunette's head. He felt the bookworm willingly give into his embrace and place his head upon his chest. A wistful sigh came forth from Logan's throat as the rhythmic tattoo of the blonde's heartbeat calmed him down slightly. "It'll be alright Mitchell" crooned the hockey captain softly. "Besides, she can't have you. Ever." Logan pulled back to firmly behold the blonde's emerald gaze. "She can't?" he whispered. Kendall smilingly shook his head. "You're mine. Didn't you get the memo?"

"No, but I did get three love notes to prove the point." Kendall flashed a roguish smile. He lowered his head and tenderly pressed his lips against Logan's cherub soft ones, carefully capturing them like delicate rose petals. He smiled into the desire-charged kiss when he felt the brunette rub his hands across his side in devastatingly feather-light touches. Kendall's affectionate initiative earned him a tiny smirk off of the bookworm's perfect lips, a smile which grew when Logan let his mouth hover around the blonde's ear. "You know, I think Camille was a better kisser" he teased, lovingly tugging at the hockey captain's earlobe before returning to his original position. Kendall rolled his eyes in a faux show of heartbreak. "And I thought we were gonna last forever!" They both laughed softly before allowing their lips to lustfully ensnare each other again, their tongues locked in a heated duel for dominance. The hockey captain was about to skillfully slide his hand underneath Logan's shirt, when a loud clutter from the entrance of the door parted their lips and forced their heads to snap around at a frightening velocity. The color drained augustly from their faces when their eyes flew to the sight of Camille gaping in untainted bewilderment at them, her eyes arranging themselves in perfect circles. She gradually lifted a shaking hand and let an accusatory finger travel to and fro between the two shocked faces before her. Her voice came out like a deathly whisper, instilling an unfathomable dread in the blonde and the hockey captain: "Oh… my… God…"

**Camille found out! Now, what are Logan and Kendall gonna do? Stay tuned for more! Please review, I'd like to hear what you thought, and also what you think Camille should do **


	11. Chapter 11

**Chapter 11: Busted, Part I **

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Big Time Rush or any of the characters.

**Author's Note:** Hey guys, thank you for all the great responses to chapter 10! Here is chapter 11, hope you guys like it as much

'Time is too slow for those who wait, too swift for those who fear, too long for those who grieve, too short for those who rejoice, but for those who love, time is an eternity.'

Henry Van Dyke

"Hey, hands off of me!"

"Get inside!" hissed the hockey captain, pulling Camille into the otherwise empty classroom. Their feet stumbled over one of the drama queen's files and sent it skidding unceremoniously to the other side of the room. As his eyes watched halt with a thud at the leg of a desk, the bookworm felt himself beginning to shut down. No explanation, no matter how rational, could undo what Camille just saw. He had to face it: despite all their talk of keeping this romance a secret, it had taken just under a week for it all to be blown wide open. Personally, he didn't care what happened to him. The only two people that he felt his sexuality mattered to were blissfully unaware of his day to day life, and no news travelled back home in any case. It would probably be about a month or two of catcalling and harassment in the halls, and then he'd sink back into the sanctuary of his shadowy anonymity. What really troubled him was the storm Kendall would have to weather. His social standing in Palm Wood High, the respect of his hockey team, Jo… he could lose it all.

"Hey, this isn't some badly written action movie" snapped Camille angrily. "Let go Goldilocks." The blonde grimaced menacingly at her, but acceded to her demand. He turned to Logan with a pained expression swimming pathetically on his face. "We're screwed" he whispered hoarsely. The brunette hung his head despondently. That didn't even cover half of it. "L- Logan?" called Camille uncertainly. The bookworm lifted his gaze to meet the drama queen's searching eyes. Her minor tussle with Kendall lay completely forgotten as her shock froze her features into a blank canvas, just waiting to erupt. Logan exhaled deeply through his nose. This was all his fault - if he'd just kept his mouth shut about that stupid letter, Camille would be sitting impatiently in the cafeteria trying to fend off James, not becoming a bystander to his make-out session. "Logan, what's going on?"

"Wait, before you answer," interrupted Kendall quickly, "what do you think is going on?"

"I think you were sucking face with my friend" stated Camille plainly. "A friend who I thought would become my boyfriend, but clearly I was wrong about that" she added as a shaky afterthought. The bookworm felt his head flush with embarrassment, but willed it away with melancholic determination. There was no escaping it: he owed Camille an answer, the truth this time. Maybe this secret was too big for him to keep alone. Maybe Camille's discovery was a sign that the lies didn't serve any purpose but to enchant insignificant people who didn't really matter to him. He was sick with all the secrets he had to feed himself. At the end of the day they were just empty words that he constantly repeated to make him feel better about his situation. They didn't define who he was, at least not anymore. He wouldn't allow it. He was done hiding. "I'm gay Camille" he said softly. Deafening silence wrapped the room up in a shattering ambience. The drama queen's eyes did a series of contractions and expansions into disfigured ovals and circles as she processed the bookworm's admission. After forever and a few minutes, it finally registered. "You're gay" she trilled nervously, her eyes darting everywhere but to the two lovers in front of her. "Well… can't say I saw this coming." Her fingers jerked in a series of anxious spasms. "So, the two of you-"

"We're together" said Kendall, wrapping an arm protectively around the brunette's shoulder. He gave a small grin to Logan's polite confusion. He wasn't going to let the bookworm go through this alone. This whole relationship was his idea; the least he could do was take responsibility for being caught. Camille contracted her eyebrows into a frown. "Wait, don't you have a girlfriend?"

"That's none of your goddamn business." The hockey captain's reply was dripping with fury. Logan sighed tiredly. "It's a complicated thing Camille. You wouldn't understand."

"Try me." She took a step forward. The hockey captain was about to curse her into taking a flying leap, but was prevented from doing so by the message tone of his Nokia. With little grace, he pulled it out from his pocket and let his eyes fly over the screen. "It's Jo" he murmured. "She wants to meet for lunch."

"Go."

"But-"

"I'll handle it." Logan gave Kendall a meaningful stare. "Trust me. Please." The blonde would have put up a substantial argument, but the circumstances were against him. He would have to let Logan fight this battle alone, and pray that he would pull through. He nodded before throwing Camille a dark scowl. Walking past her, he exited the classroom in rapid strides, creating a small breeze as he left.

Camille watched Kendall leave the corridor with interested eyes before returning her focus to Logan. She raised her eyebrows expectantly, causing the bookworm to give her a sad smile. "I guess I owe you some answers huh?" She walked over to him and delicately sat on a desk. "Why didn't you tell me?" she asked with gentle consternation. His smirk faded. "I was afraid" he said simply. Camille shook her head. "Of what?"

"Everything." His eyes fell onto the plastic chair in front of him. "If you grew up in the kind of house that I did, you know that…" His voice faltered. He took in a deep breath and soldiered on. "That being gay isn't something to be proud of. In fact, you're not even considered a human being for being attracted to the same sex. You're written off as being sick in the head." Even the most absolute of fools would find the sheer bitterness in his voice hard to miss. The drama queen reached out and placed a comforting hand across his quivering fingers. Still, he would not look at her. "Is it that bad?" A cynical snort escaped him. "My entire life is made up of trying to please people who barely notice I'm there. They see trophies and certificates instead of the person behind it all. And it just keeps getting worse as the years go by."

"That still doesn't explain why you were scared to tell anyone. Logan, this kind of thing is too huge for you to go through alone." As his head slowly turned towards her, a small gasp escaped from Camille's mouth. She was completely taken aback by the forceful devastation barely contained within the watery cocoa depths of the bookworm's irises. "Who else do I have Camille?" His voice barely broke into a whisper. The gravelly murmur told her that he'd been keeping this in for a long time, and now he was finally letting go. "And Kendall… he can't afford to be caught in some kind of scandal. Not now." The drama queen nodded sympathetically. "Speaking of him, how did the two of you…" She let her sentence trail off pitifully upon seeing the morose mask on Logan's face. "You know what, it doesn't-"

"Yeah it does" he said quietly. "I said I owed you answers, so you're gonna get them." He rubbed his palms together to work up some of the atypical courage he'd shown in the past few minutes. "Kendall and I got paired up to work on an English assignment six months ago. We'd work late afternoons because of his hockey practice. He was…" His eyes travelled wistfully to the ceiling. The drama queen cautiously pushed the conversation forward. "Amazing?"

"More than amazing" he mumbled. "He was…" He shook his head to correct himself. "He IS everything I wish I was."

"So you fell for him?" smiled Camille gently. The bookworm gave her a weak grin. "Yeah. It was just weird for the most popular guy in school to spend that much time with a nobody like me." His gaze fell onto the chair again as he emitted another deep sigh. "I was stupid back then. I couldn't tell the difference between love and friendship. I still can't. But the funny thing is I wouldn't have it any other way." He gave a small chuckle. "Because I wouldn't be here with him if it were."

"How'd the two of you, uh…" She interlocked her fingers in a strange gesture. "Hook up?"  
>"I acted really weird around him one day. He kept asking me what was wrong, but I wouldn't tell him. He made some joke about being in love with him, and I cracked. I don't know what came over me, but in that one moment I knew I had to do something to prove that I really did love him. So we kissed."<p>

"You kissed?"

"Well, more like I kissed him. He just sat there." Camille burst out in a disharmonious cackle of laughter. Her body shuddered violently with intense chortles, coaxing another smile out of the bookworm. The same soothing sensation he'd felt on the day he'd first met Camille came back to him. He couldn't quite put his finger in it, but there was definitely something about the girl that made her a walking tranquilizer. Bringing up the past caused him to visit those dark places of his life that made him feel so isolated and insecure, but also gave him a chance to bid farewell to those unforgiving memories. "I'm sorry" breathed Camille in between uncontrollable giggles. "That seemed so very un-Logan."

"Yeah he thought so too. He stormed out and I didn't speak to him for two weeks." Camille exhaled deeply to calm herself. "OK, I'm done. So you guys didn't talk at all?"

"Not until he asked me to meet him at his car after school the one day. Then the deal happened."

"What deal?"

"He offered to keep quiet about the kiss if I slept with him."

"WHAT?" Camille's rage flared instantly. "WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF DEAL IS THAT?"

"Camille, keep quiet!"

"I'm sorry." She looked over the bookworm's shoulder to see if anyone was within earshot. When the coast was clear, she continued. "What the fuck kind of deal is that?" she whispered furiously. Logan shrugged nonchalantly. "That's what I thought as well. And the fact that he had a girlfriend made it even more confusing to me."

"Please tell me you didn't go through with it."

"I did." The drama queen groaned irritably. "Logan!"

"You don't get it Camille. I was completely taken by him. Every night I would lie in bed and think about what he was doing. Every day I would get butterflies in my stomach when he passed me in the halls. I wanted to be with him so badly, it hurt." The chocolate irises misted over. "And it did" he uttered quietly. "A lot."

"So was it a once-off deal?" Logan shook his head. "Things would be a lot different if it were. We had sex whenever he wanted. I didn't care when or how often, I just needed him next to me. That way I could fool myself into thinking that he felt the same way."

"I'm guessing this carried on for two months max."

"Wrong, it was for six. Kendall and I have only been together for less than a week." Camille shot him a quizzical look. "Then what happened to change all of that?"

"I fell in love" replied Logan. He said it without any trace of shame. "Everyday since the deal started I would fall that much more in love with him."

"Did you tell him?"

"Yup. He would ignore it at first, but I kept on saying it. I couldn't help myself. Then after a while, he got really mad. He didn't like hearing it. Eventually, he tried breaking the whole thing off, but we started it again the day afterwards. But last week... he really meant it."

"Last week?" Logan turned towards her with a blank look on his features. His eyes kept on growing hollower by the minute. Telling his tale to Camille drained him all of his emotional strength, but he persevered with the task, not just for her sake, but for his as well. The time had come for his story to be heard, and he couldn't stand to stay within the shadowy confines of stifling secrecy any longer. "He broke the deal off for good on the day before you came to school. He said he couldn't go through with it anymore, that the consequences were too great for both of us." The drama queen's eyes flickered with compassion. This time, she let her silence do the talking for her. The deep instinct of empathy within her erased the streak of shock and anger she'd felt twenty minutes ago. She got it now: Logan needed her as a friend, and she would be there for him. No matter what he said, she refused to let him go through this ordeal alone. "That's why you were so sad when I met you." Logan nodded. "I couldn't handle it. Him not being there anymore just made me feel so empty." Camille shifted uncomfortably in her seat. "Logan, this may be a bit insensitive, but did you ever feel like you were being used?"

"No. I loved him, that's all I knew. That's all I wanted to know."

"Did you ever try and move on from him?"

"I did. On Thursday, I walked in on him at the bathroom. He pushed me against the wall. I remember looking into his eyes – they were so angry, but also sad. I thought he would beat me up or something, but he didn't. He just lowered his head and kissed me."

"After telling you that your casual sex deal was off? Is the guy demented?" Logan laughed softly. "Probably. I was furious with him. The mixed signals he was sending drove me insane. On Friday, I decided to tell him off once and for all. I was done with this crap."

"Yes!" Camille gave a theatrical air punch to show off her jubilation. "Did you succeed?"

"No. I failed miserably."

"Aw! Man, this story bites." Logan laughed again. "It gets better, don't worry. We drove to his house, and he told me that he was done trying to ignore the way he felt about me. He wanted us to be together. For real."

"You said yes?"

"Uh huh. And that's pretty much it really." Camille shook her head. "Not quite. Can I ask you something else?"

"Shoot."

"Can you honestly say you're a hundred percent happy with the way things are now? There are loads of loose ends lying about: he's still got a girlfriend, and you guys can't be open about how you feel." The bookworm pursed his lips together in thought for a moment. "You're right" he admitted. "This isn't perfect Camille. But it's all I have, and it makes me happy. He makes me happy, and that's all that matters." The drama queen gave a terse nod. In the distance, the bell spewed forth its monotone tune to herald the end of lunch. Already, the hustle of students and teachers cut its alarming path to the empty classroom, falling into their ears like unwanted raindrops. Logan immediately stood up and swung his bag from off the desk in front of him. He turned to Camille with a netted plea in his eyes. "Please Camille, for my sake-"

"I won't tell anyone" she assured quickly. "Your secret is safe on two conditions."

"Oh boy…"

"One, you don't ever go through something like this alone again. I'm here for you, you big idiot, try and understand that." Logan waved his hand airily. "And the second?"

"Tell me; are you the bottom in this relationship?"

"Camille!"

"Inquiring minds Logan, inquiring minds." As Logan laughed, he was grateful for the warm comfort of relief spreading through him. It had been a long time since he was this happy – for once, things turned out exactly as they were supposed to. He now had one person in this cruel world he could truly call a friend. Walking out of the class with a hint of a spring in his step, the bookworm sent a prayer heavenwards, thanking the powers that be for sending him an angel like Camille Roberts.

**Hey guys, hope you liked this. I did, it's the most honest one I've ever done. Please leave a review to tell me what you guys thought. Also, if you like this story, go check out my Kogan oneshot **_**Fall For Me**_**. Till next time **


	12. Chapter 12

**Chapter 12: Busted, Part II**

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Big Time Rush or any of the characters.

**Author's Note:** Hey guys, it's really been a while. Apologies for the late update, but things have been really hectic of late, but what else is new huh? Glad to see that Camille's reaction to the 'discovery' got a positive response, she really is a great character. Well, hope you like chapter 12!

'Those who are faithless know the pleasures of love; it is the faithful who know of love's tragedies.'

Oscar Wilde

Jo Taylor was usually the kind of person who had enough patience to last several lifetimes. Come sunshine or rain, the effervescent smile on her face could not be dimmed by any means. She was often the subject of constructive criticism amongst her friends for her infinite understanding, with them commenting that she was too much of a pushover. On occasion, they would go so far as to say that her popularity in Palm Wood High was her saving grace. "You're one step away from becoming like Logan Mitchell" they would warn her. Her bubbly laugh would then ring through their ears like a choir of angels. "Who's Logan Mitchell?"

"Exactly." Of course Jo knew exactly who Logan Mitchell was: brunette guy, about a head taller than her and really quiet. She didn't see him that much, but from what she heard, he would ghost through the school, keeping to himself. A forgettable character at most, it was as if he was on this whole other island from the rest of the student body. However, that's where her sympathy ended. To Jo Taylor, there was one thing that drew the line between her and the inconspicuous bookworm, a person who always made her feel as if she was perpetually walking on air. He was a prince that had first stirred a rose-colored chaos within her heart and made her travel to the stars and back. Today, it was that same person who was proving that maybe her patience wasn't so bottomless.

"Kendall, this is ridiculous."

"I don't see why you're making such a big deal out of this."

"This is a big damn deal!" She waved her soft locks out of her face to give the hockey captain the full force of her fury. "I've only seen you one time this week, and even then your head was somewhere else." Kendall gave a hollow laugh. Jo narrowed her eyes wrathfully and continued with her tirade. "And now I'd like to spend this Friday afternoon with my boyfriend, but apparently he has plans!" The hockey captain slammed his locker shut and turned to face her with an intense glare. "Jo, what do you want from me?"

"I want to know where you've been all week for starters!"

"I told you, I've been busy trying to set James up with that new girl so that he'd stop bitching about her."

"And that takes precedence over your girlfriend?" She folded her hands and tapped her feet impatiently, eagerly waiting to tear any explanation her boyfriend produced to shreds. Her irritation multiplied tenfold when Kendall's eyes caught onto a person walking briskly passed them. His expression almost broke into a grin, but immediately sank back into pained frustration. Jo clenched her teeth and followed his line of sight to watch a brunette guy eagerly turn around the corner of the hall. She threw her hands up in dramatic annoyance. "What, random strangers are more interesting to you than me now?" The hockey captain muttered a dark curse under his breath. "You know; if you want to say something, just say it." He watched Jo's mouth thin itself out dramatically, feeling a small sadistic pleasure overcome him. She took in a deep breath of air, fortifying herself against the acidic disturbance that ate away at her on the inside. "Are you seeing someone else?" The distant buzz from the rest of the student populace compensated for the lack of sound between them – icy stares were exchanged in the place of words as each tried gauge the other's reaction. Kendall's lips curled into a thin smile. "Wow… you actually went there."

"You can hardly-"

"Firstly, screw you for thinking that. We've been together ever since the start of high school, and I've done nothing but worship the ground you walk on."

"You're not-"

"And now because I'm helping out a friend, you think I'm cheating on you?"

"What the hell am I supposed to think?"

"How about the fact that I love you? Or the fact that I would NEVER cheat on you?"

"Kendall, I-"

"You know what, forget it. I don't want to listen to this anymore." As he stormed past her, Jo considered the possibility that perhaps she was wrong. OK, so maybe Kendall wasn't paying her all the attention he used to of late, but did that automatically make him unfaithful? The beginnings of fine tears misted over the light hazel of her eyes, causing her to flinch inwardly. Fighting with him always left a bitter aftershock running through her, and now that she had predicted the hockey captain's motives so inaccurately, the guilt made its presence known in an extravagant fashion. Jo Taylor may have understanding on her side, but she wasn't different to anyone else when it came to love – her heart still had to go through the same pain everyone else's did, and she had just stupidly proven it to herself.

_I love you because you showed me what it's like to completely lose yourself to someone else. Even after all the times I told you off, you never stopped loving me. You could have easily rejected me, but you accepted me instead. The truth is I said I loved you four days ago, but that was just a sentence. I started loving you throughout those six months, somewhere in between losing myself and finding you. To me, you are perfect in every way, from that half-smile you do just before you laugh to the way you frown when you're stressed. Just remember that even though the world is against us, as long as I have you by my side, I feel like I can do anything. I love you Mitchell, and I'm not letting you go. Ever._

_K.K._

_P.S: you + me = dinner at 8 over at my place? Say yes ;)_

Logan held onto the outer edge of his locker door, fearing that he might float towards the ceiling in the buoyancy of lightheaded jubilation. He read the blonde's words over and over again with the giddy hope that they would come to life and speak to him as if he were right there. The broad smile that threatened to split his face in two was matched only in magnitude by the crimson tinge steadily creeping across his face. Despite everything he'd been through in the past week or so, it was these small moments that made it all worthwhile for him. Even though he wasn't here in person, the bookworm was sent on a capricious high just knowing how deeply Kendall loved him. The world may condemn their romance, but he couldn't have cared less. He had finally filled the aching chasm that plagued him for so long with the reciprocated feelings of that single person who would hold the key to his heart forever. "The one" he thought smilingly. "Nah, it's too early to be thinking of things like that. Just sit back and enjoy the ride for now Logan. There'll be time for that later." He carefully folded the letter into four neat quarters and tucked it away into the depths of his pocket, alertly guarding the written confession like a precious jewel. Turning around, he collided straight into the hockey captain's firm torso with a solid thud. "Ouch!" groaned the hockey captain, kneading his chest with a firm hand. "I know you're happy to see me, but take it easy would you?"

"Well, it's your fault for making me act like a lovesick schoolgirl" said Logan, affording the blonde a small grin. Kendall threw him a smile of his own in return. "Well, the lovesick part is good. I'm not so big on the whole schoolgirl fantasy though."

"Get lost" smirked Logan affectionately. The hockey captain took a careful scan of their surroundings before taking several steps forward. "Relax" assured Logan, leaning back against his locker to accommodate the blonde's proximity. "It's still early, no one's here."

"I know… it's just-"

"Jo? I uh… saw what happened" he explained sheepishly. Logan watched Kendall's face sober up with an unfathomable sympathy. It tore him apart to see the hockey captain like this – trying to maintain two relationships at once must be hell for him, but as far as he could see, there wasn't any other choice. The blonde had always been a slave to his own passionate whims, and judging by today's letter in conjunction with the rest of the week's events, he had no intention of giving the brunette up. "She got into me about not spending enough time with her" murmured Kendall softly. The bookworm nodded as he discreetly entwined his fingers with the blonde's. His action did not go unappreciated and earned him another flashing smile. "I don't know" continued the hockey captain tiredly. "She's right; the only time I've spent with her at school was lunch on Wednesday."

"Then spend tonight with her. We'll hold off on dinner for another day."

"No" said Kendall sharply. The leonine undertone of his voice took the bookworm by surprise. Leaning, forward, the hockey captain's expression softened into a blank canvas. "Tonight is ours" he whispered softly, pushing Logan off the edge of reason into his own little sensual world. Kendall parted his lips slightly and pushed forth a warm cloud of air from his mouth towards Logan, taking a lustful satisfaction in the quiet moan emanating from the brunette's throat. It was a meager proxy for a proper kiss, but still had the desired effect. Logan closed his eyes and allowed himself one moment of ecstatic rapture before prying his hand from the blonde's tender hold and gently pushing him away. Kendall tilted his head bemusedly. "You didn't like that?" he asked tentatively. The brunette shook his head with a just the hint of a smile coyly setting itself on his lips. "No, it's not that" he sighed wistfully. "I… I just don't trust myself around you."

"Well, if it's any consolation, I don't trust myself around you either. Not in public at least" smiled the hockey captain impishly. "By the way, did you like my letter?"

"It was definitely much more profound than the one James wrote." The blonde broke into a soft laugh. "And?"

"Did you mean it?" Kendall moved back up against the bookworm, savoring every inch his eyes drink in. How he wished he could lay his hands on him right now and feel that silken skin quiver beneath his devoted touch. "I meant every fucking word" he whispered, basking in the carnal heat forming in between their barely touching bodies. The bookworm looked up at him with nothing but unending adoration swirling in his cocoa irises. "Good, because I'm not letting you go either."

The bookworm and the drama queen sat in absorbed silence within the buzz of adolescent chatter ricocheting off of the walls in the Palm Wood High cafeteria. Each seemed to ignore the other as they lost themselves in the depth of their own interests: Camille steadily paged through the script for her next drama class; while Logan kept casting his eyes over to Jo Taylor sitting by herself at a nearby table. He watched with raised eyebrows as she gracefully stood up and marched over to the exit and into the empty hallway, setting of a twinge of twisted sympathy for her deep within him. The social distance between them had always demanded that their romantic status be polar opposites, but now thanks to the actions of one person, the question of who was to suffer heartbreak and who was to become the hockey captain's beloved was now left completely up in the air. The bookworm marveled to himself that it had only taken a week for his entire world to flip on its head – and the same thing was happening to the school's most popular girl with the only difference being her unknowing ignorance of it. Throughout the morning's periods, the brunette had given serious thought as to where the destination of his relationship with the blonde lay, even though he promised himself he wouldn't. Happiness had come to him in such an unexpected blitz, what if misery was waiting right around the corner? There were too many variables that started to give him an ulcer – his parents, the nonexistent social status he possessed, whether society would define him in terms of his sexuality or not; but most of all what Kendall sought from him in all of this. The fact that the blonde loved him was undisputed in his mind – he had already proven it. The ominous question hanging above Logan's head was whether he had the right to ask for more out of this secret. After the pure torture of the past six months, he was grateful for the current standing, however it was only a matter of time before this would start to lack in substantiality for him and Kendall, and then what would happen? "Stop thinking so much" muttered Camille, casually flipping over a page in her script. In the thick fog of his thoughts, the bookworm heard her voice and slowly turned his head to face her. "What did you say?"

"I said stop thinking so much. You've practically got numbers coming out of your ears."

"How would you know, you're not paying attention" said the bookworm, kicking himself for flaunting his consternation so openly. The drama queen musingly pursed her lips together, setting down her script next to her unfinished salad. "If there's one thing you should know about me Logan, it's that I have a gift for reading people."

"Right, you were completely on the mark about me."

"Shut up!" rebuked Camille, angrily flipping a mahogany curl of hair behind her ear. "That was a one-time mistake. Speaking of which, why were you staring at Goldilocks over there? Please tell me it's because you've turned straight and I have a shot at making you my boyfriend."

"Keep dreaming Camille" grinned the bookworm, reaching inside his pocket to pull out his precious written treasure and handing it over to the drama queen with a careful hand. "Read this and tell me what you think." Camille unfolded the paper and raised her eyebrows in impressed astonishment as she read over the heartfelt words. Her voluptuous lips pulled over into a thunderstruck parabola. "Most extraordinary" she remarked, handing it back over to Logan. "Now if someone wrote that for me, I'd drop my panties for them."

"I just… I want to know where all of this is headed" said Logan, ignoring the abrasive crudeness of his friend's last statement. The drama queen immediately straightened her posture, conjuring a distinct aura of supreme knowingness. "Well my dear boy, have you tried asking him?"

"No. I don't want to ruin anything."

"Logan, I'm going to tell you something here now. Frankly, you're whole relationship thing with Kendall is way too complicated and dramatic even for my acquired tastes-"

"Gee, thanks."

"But," emphasized Camille with a wagging finger, "you're my friend so I'll give you a piece of advice. You're one half of… whatever you have going on with him. You're entitled to know where it's all going." The bookworm sighed wearily. "What if I don't like the answer?" he asked softly. The drama queen's features softened in her empathy. "Well, that's just a chance you're gonna have to take sweetie. You can't keep living off of love letters forever, no matter how well written they are." The bookworm ran a frustrated hand through his hair. "That's just part of the problem. There's still Jo."

"Well, what about Jo?"

"I feel kind of… bad for her. I mean, I'm breaking up a relationship here Camille, one that's been there for quite a while." He shrugged distastefully. "I'm the third wheel."

"Logan, answer me honestly. What are you really afraid of?" She leaned across the table to ensure that her piercing gaze locked firmly with the cocoa hesitation staring back at her. She watched in a strange mixture of sympathy and hardhearted fascination for the truth as the bookworm twisted his head from side to side, trying desperately to find an answer to her demanding question. Eventually, he laid his hands lightly on the table and lowered his eyes to avoid her own questioning pair. Her ears strained to catch the whispered reply over the cafeteria's vapid din, but she made sure she heard his answer. "I'm afraid that if he ever had to choose… he wouldn't choose me." The drama queen placed herself back in her seat with a poised elegance. She gave extended a compassionate hand over to the bookworm, which he took gratefully after a few seconds of reluctance. Through the unconventional wisdom of her eyes, she looked at him, so completely wrapped up in what might be that he couldn't just enjoy right here and now. Then again, maybe he was right to worry. "Logan, there's no simple answer for all of this" she said kindly. "Like it or not, Kendall's got a choice to make. He can't keep stringing the two of you along forever. And as for Jo, you've got to decide whether you can live off of someone else's unhappiness." The brunette gradually lifted his eyes from the table to meet her considerate watch once more. He gave the slightest inclination of his head to show he understood. Yes, he did have a decision to make: whether he had the right to destroy someone else's life for the sake of his own happiness. The only difficulty lay in the final answer, and whether he wanted to know it in the first place.

"To us" toasted Kendall cheerfully as he clinked his can of soda together with Logan's. The bookworm exuded a small chuckle before letting a small sip of the fizzy liquid ooze soothingly down his throat. Father Time, it seemed, had taken a sudden liking to Logan and ethereally caused the rest of the day to disappear in a successive series of detailed note-taking and absorbing lessons. Before he knew it, the brunette found himself back in his bedroom, preparing himself for the quixotic adrenaline rush that was tonight. Mr. and Mrs. Mitchell were fairly surprised when their hermit son suddenly expressing his desire to go out on a Friday night with a 'friend', but encouraged it all the same in the faint interest they took in his personal wellbeing. "Who is this friend?" was the first of many questions that Marlene Mitchell had asked from her throne in front of the television. "Are you smarter than him? What do his parents do?" Luckily, the brunette had anticipated the interrogation, and progressively spun a circle of half-truths around his parents. In his counterfeit fairytale, Kendall was a hockey player who was academically on par with himself and came from a family of surgeons who had graduated from Harvard's medical school. His parents seemed impressed with the faux credentials, with Teddy Mitchell going so far as to hand Logan one of business cards to give to Kendall. "In case they need accountants" he had smiled. True to his word, the hockey captain's silver Mercedes glided in front of the Mitchell household at precisely eight o' clock, and graciously drove them over to his house.

"What?" grinned Kendall mischievously, laying down his can of soda onto the coffee table. He relaxed back into the luxurious comfort of the black leather couch, giving every bit of his attention to the brunette. "Nothing really" smirked Logan, following the blonde's suit. "But when you said dinner, I wasn't expecting take-out from McDonalds."

"Hey, I didn't say I'd be cooking dinner" laughed the hockey captain. The brunette's smirked spread slightly. "Very true." His chocolate gaze picked up on a photograph hanging proudly above the flat screen TV. An auburn-haired woman stood proudly in between a pouting girl who inherited her flaming locks and a dashingly handsome Kendall in his hockey gear, her arms wrapped around both of them. "Is that your mom and sister?" asked Logan. The hockey captain nodded. "I remember Katie being so mad that day. Mom wouldn't buy her a video game." The bookworm laughed softly. "So where are they?"

"In San Francisco. Mom had to go there for some business trip and she took Katie with."

"What about your Dad?"

"What about him?"

"How does he fit into all of this?" Kendall's features took a gradual turn into a heavy seriousness. "He doesn't. He abandoned us for some other woman just before Katie was born." Logan reached out a compassionate hand to Kendall's shoulder. "I'm sorry" he said softly. The blonde shook his golden mane vigorously. "Don't be. I don't spend a lot of time thinking about him anyways. As far as I'm concerned, I grew up without a dad." The extrovert twinkle shone brightly against the green of his eyes. "So, what about you?"

"What about me?"

"What's your family like?" Logan rolled his eyes at the question. "Let's just say Donald Trump would be very proud of my parents and leave it at that."

"They can't be that bad" laughed the hockey captain. The brunette adjusted his position on the couch to fully face Kendall. "Believe me, they are. They're like Stepford wives… or people, whatever. All they care about is keeping up with the Joneses, and unfortunately I'm an integral part of that."

"I still don't believe you."

"Why not?" The hockey captain leaned in closer until his breath mingled headily with the brunette's. His emerald gaze soaked up every detail of his lover's face, from the warmth of those cocoa irises to the small flare of his nostrils every time he took inhaled. "Because how can such bad people give birth to such a wonderful person?" he murmured. His head lowered down and planted his lips tenderly on the bookworm's cheek, leaving a brilliant shade of magenta to rise across his lover's face. Logan squeezed the blonde's hand in silent affirmation. He felt a quiet nostalgia fall over him, wrapping its warm touch around him like a blanket. The shadowy melancholy of the past six months seemed so far away now, wisped away into nothing but a distant memory. A sudden jerk fluttered within his stomach, reminding him of the new obstacles he had to overcome. He loved Kendall, but he couldn't stand to go back into the identity of that fragile romantic who used to stare at the ceiling every night, praying for the slight chance that the hockey captain felt the same way about him. If this was nothing more than a pretty trip into nowhere, he had to know now. "Kendall, where are we going?"

"Nowhere. Why, do you wanna catch a movie or-"

"No, I mean us" he interrupted quietly. "Where are the two of us headed?" The hockey captain exhaled a weighty breath. To tell the truth, he didn't really know himself. In between the failed task of trying to keep Jo happy, the attempts to get Camille together with James and the general pace of the life he led, he didn't really have that much time to sit down and define this issue with himself. An answer of practicality was beyond him at this point in time – all he knew how to do was feel, more specifically he only knew what Logan made him feel. No one else took him to such an ecstatic nirvana like the bookworm, and he loved it: he loved him. "Logan, the thing is… I can't give you an answer right now." A panicked pang rang across his body as he watched the bookworm's face fall into a dejected acceptance. "Not because I don't want to" he added quickly, trying desperately to save the moment. "It's because I just need to figure all of this out first." He reached over and pulled the brunette's face closer to his own, savoring the sensation of the silken skin beneath his fingertips. He lightly brushed his thumb over the velvet lips in front of him and induced a pleasurable shudder rippling from deep within his lover. "All I know is that I love you Mitchell" he whispered. "And that I really do want to make this work." His bee-stung lips connected passionately with the bookworm's, bringing forth a quiet groan of pleasure. The skillful tool of his tongue made short work of the brunette's closed lips and pushed past them in zealous abandon. His hands travelled over to Logan's body and roamed all over the brunette's figure in teasingly baiting touches of ardor. With great reluctance, he pulled back to catch his breath in heaving inhalations and watched the bookworm do the same. "Want me to drop you off at home?" he asked cautiously. Logan considered his question for amount, and then climbed over to the blonde, straddling over his waist in one fluid movement. He wrapped his legs around Kendall's waist and allowed his hands to do the same for the blonde's neck. He moved his head closer until his mouth was millimeters away from the hockey captain's ears. A small smile played on his lips when he felt Kendall's grips on his body grow amorously tighter. His reply to the blonde's question was perfumed with his ever growing desire. "Give me a reason to stay."

"I was hoping you'd say that."

Underneath the weak cover of starlight, in the black cover of the darkness, Jo Taylor watched her boyfriend tenderly kiss the man straddled on his legs through the clear glass of the open window. This wasn't happening… it was too twisted, too beyond her, to be real. This had to be some sick joke gone horribly wrong. The guy sitting there beneath Logan Mitchell was not her beloved Kendall Knight: it couldn't be because Kendall wasn't gay. Yet the illusion flaunting itself blatantly through the window did not break. Once more, the beautiful limpid brown eyes glazed over with pools of saline tears. Her breath unwillingly caught itself in her throat, freezing her where she stood. All voluntary actions abandoned her with arduous haste. She couldn't run away, nor could she storm into the Knight house… she couldn't even manage a choked cry of despair. "_How about the fact that I love you? Or the fact that I would NEVER cheat on you?_" Kendall's beautiful lie rang through the void of her heart, smashing it into an irreparable puzzle. She had come here with the intention of apologizing for her mistake and for doubting his fidelity. Instead, she found herself to be right all along. Underneath the thick fog of confusion, a dark sensation snaked its way into her body, slowly corrupting it with its blackened touch. It flowed in between the shards that had once held the hockey captain in such affectionate esteem and doused them into an infinite cavern of misery. For the first time in her life, Jo Taylor felt what it was like to be betrayed.

**Hey guys, hope you liked this chapter! It's my longest one to date PLEASE leave a review and tell me what you thought, you guys are the reason why I do this! Till next time!**


	13. Chapter 13

**Chapter 13: Trophy Son**

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Big Time Rush or any of the characters, else they'd have to screen the show during the late night slot… you know, to avoid legal issues for mature content ;)

**Author's Note:** A huge thank you to everyone who reviewed the last chapter, I was practically bouncing off the walls when I saw those e-mails. I'm glad to see that you all are enjoying the story as much as I enjoy writing it. Anyway, here's the new chapter, you guys know what to do! Hit that review button… you know you want to…

'There is just one life for each of us: our own.'

Euripedes

"Mitchell." Logan stirred at the sound of the hockey captain's soft voice cascading gently into his ear. His hand slowly sprung to life on the ice white sheets beneath him. A pleasurable tingle shot up his spine and informed him of the fingers tracing an amorous path across his back. He smirked slightly. "Five more minutes" he mumbled sleepily. Kendall gave a short chuckle before taking the bookworm's earlobe in between his teeth. He tugged at it tenderly in an affectionate plead. "Come on. Wake up."

"Not yet."

"Please?" The blonde let his hand travel across the brunette's naked body, losing himself completely to the beauty that his sense of touch reveled in. In one movement, he fitted his body against Logan's like a perfect puzzle piece. The hockey captain smiled as he watched the brunette's chest rise and fall with soft diffusion of his breaths. This moment, this one encapsulation of time, was beyond words in its flawlessness. These little things may cost the earth and more in its emotional turmoil, but they came in such a dazzling jubilation that made everything thing else seem so small in comparison. Being here right now with Logan, hearing the tender lull of his breathing, feeling the soft warmth of his skin right under his hand… damn it, just seeing him was intoxicating ambrosia. The obligations of the blonde's life called for his immediate attention, most especially Jo, but they were problems to be dealt with later. Right now, he just wanted to feel.

The blonde leaned forward, placing his lips on the nape of the bookworm's neck. The taste of the sensual heat on his skin drove him ecstatic, but he knew he had to control himself. There was an art to the ways of pleasure, a sense of love behind it all, and the hockey captain was absolute in obeying them. He dragged his lips in feather light kisses across to the brunette's exposed shoulder, imprinting his desire every time his tongue came into contact with the inebriating tang. The hand that lay on the brunette's bare torso started to write a prose of passion and spoke of eons of need in its gentle beg. Eventually Logan acceded to the tangible beseeching and turned around. His eyes cracked open, offering the blonde a bare glimpse of his warm, chocolate irises. "What time is it?" he asked faintly, stretching his arm out. Kendall grinned. "Almost eight." Logan raised his eyebrows in faint surprise. He didn't know where last night's unexpected burst of courage came from, but he was thankful for it all the same. Now that he knew where he stood in this relationship, the volatile giddiness gave him a comfort that he hadn't been acquainted with for a long time. He brought his outstretched hand to cover the gaping yawn emanating from his mouth. The hockey captain laughed, letting his hold around the brunette grow tighter. "Are you awake now?"

"Almost there. Give me a minute." Kendall leaned forward to plant a small kiss on the brunette's lips. "Funny, I always had you pegged as a morning person."

"Screw off, I'm just tired." The bookworm turned his head around in a bewildered daze to take in his surroundings. "By the way, how did we end up in your bedroom?" The blonde tilted his head mischievously. "I carried you here, remember? You were the one who said it would be more comfortable than the sofa." Logan nodded in mild surprise. "That does sound like something I would say." As he watched the blonde's smile grow, he caught onto the compassionate glint swimming in the emerald of the hockey captain's eyes. With aching want, he lifted his hand and brought it to rest on the flush of the blonde's cheek. He relished in warmth pulsing softly against his touch. Knowing that words would only ruin what he felt inside, he let the caress of his fingertips speak on his behalf instead. He slid them down the slender jawbone and across Kendall's mouth, allowing them to be caught briefly in the trap of his slightly parted lips. Emerald green met shimmering mahogany, instantly filling both of them with an infinite longing for the other. They knew now that the other completed them unlike anything in this world. "I love you" whispered the blonde, bringing his face millimeters away from Logan's. The bookworm's eyes meltingly softened at the three words. "I love you too." Without missing a second of staring into the unending adoration before him, Kendall reached over to the nightstand behind him and grabbed onto something. His hand slipped in front of Logan, producing the reddest strawberry before the bookworm's sight. "I brought breakfast" he offered playfully, moving the fruit closer to the brunette's mouth. Logan shook his head smilingly. "Just one?"

"There's a whole bowl behind me, but I thought it would be romantic to start off with one" exclaimed Kendall with mock hurt. "Excuse a guy for trying to be spontaneous!" The bookworm opened his mouth and took a bite of plump berry. He felt the tart sweetness explode across his mouth, accelerating him into a heightened bliss. In a show of atypical force, the brunette grabbed the blonde's shoulders and hastily pushed him onto his back. He lifted his body off of the bed with an agile grace and settled himself across the sturdy legs beneath him. An impish grin cracked across his face when he finally saw the bowl of strawberries glistening deliciously in the early Los Angeles sunlight beaming through the closed shutters. "And you got whipped cream too" he said, noting the bowl next to it. The hockey captain threw him a teasing curl of his bee-stung lips. "I can think of another use for it." He raised his hand and dipped his finger into cool peak of the cream before dragging it across Logan's cheek. He raised himself from the bed's beckoning comfort and gripped the brunette's waist. With an efficient sweep of his skilful tongue, he licked the streak of cream off from the bookworm's face and tenderly ensnared his lips with a heated kiss. Their tongues danced against each other hedonistically before they parted for air. "Kendall" murmured the brunette headily. "Please."

"Now?"

"Now."

With a nimble movement, the hockey captain returned the bookworm to the solidity of the bed, gazing deeply at the slightly quivering angel beneath him. His head gradually lowered itself to his lover's neck to sinfully carve his mark with the lightest graze of his teeth against the pulse of life emanating from within. A quiet moan slipped through his ears, causing him to smile to himself. It amazed him as to how well he knew Logan's body – he understood every minute detail like it was his own. He could sense the need for the brunette's completion pound desperately beneath him, resounding simultaneously with the rhythmic tattoo in his chest. Logan was his and only his: he would make sure of it. As if drawn there by some unseen force, the blonde's hand reached for the nightstand and opened it with an impatient pull. Without so much as a glance, he pulled out a small square of silver foil and was about to bring it to his lips, but lost its possession to the bookworm's mischievous grab. He watched lustfully as the brunette ripped the package open with an errant tug of his teeth. He treated the thin tube of latex like a precious treasure; carefully rolling it on the blonde's steeled erection. Kendall closed his eyes and growled pleasurably at the bookworm's touch. He lifted two of his fingers to Logan's mouth and slipped them through his pouted lips. After savoring the brush of the brunette's velvet tongue, he reluctantly retracted his fingers from his lover's warm cavern and let them travel downwards to his prize. Slipping the first of his coated fingers in, he felt the bookworm's body arch upwards against his own. In the space where their bodies met, an intense heat saturated in carnal yearning started to form, ecstatically radiating through both of their skins like wildfire. Kendall slipped in his second finger and heard a breathless "yes" come forth profanely from Logan's throat. It was time. In one fluid thrust, he entered his lover, fulfilling both of their desires to be made whole by the other. Logan lifted his arms and wrapped them around the hockey captain's neck, pulling him down towards him for another zealous lip lock. As they parted, he felt the blonde move in slow, powerful thrusts. He closed his eyes and surrendered to the feeling of unfathomable affectionate bliss. His hands wandered decadently across the firm muscle of the hockey captain's chest, creating zealous trails from the pressure under his fingertips. With an incoherent curse, the blonde increased his pace. His breath took an uneven turn as his pushes became more forceful. "Kendall" moaned the brunette, feeling his climax build within him. The blonde lowered himself once more and brazenly pushed his tongue into Logan's waiting mouth, needing to feel his lover twist and turn in pleasure like the air he breathed. A final thrust of his hips ripped a derailing tsunami of an orgasm through the both of them. Cries and yelps of pleasure filled the air with a loving ambience that blanketed them both, nourishing the two of them with an ethereal pleasure. Exhaling deeply, Kendall lowered himself into the bookworm's embrace, feeling the caring stroke of the brunette's hands on his back. Their breaths synchronized to rhythmic heaves of their chests, the rise and fall of their lungs soothing them along with the erratic thump of their heartbeats. Such was their connection; they even said it at the same time, the words combining in a tender melody that symbolized the eternity of their bond: "I love you."

-xoxoxoxoxo-

Ninety minutes later, Logan found himself watching row after row of trees pass by from the leather opulence of the silver Mercedes as it breezed through the suburbs of Los Angeles. He sighed softly before dropping his gaze down to the smooth screen of his cell phone. Over the past twelve hours or so, he had missed the twenty or so voicemail messages his parents had left him. The tones of their voices had ranged from mildly peeved to raging annoyance; even one of them in which his mother sobbed hysterically about her son lying somewhere in a ditch with his heart on the way with some sick cannibal of a drifter. "They don't ever give up" he thought irately, switching off his phone in the fear that he may throw it out of the window in frustration. His anger must have shown because he felt a compassionate hand lay itself softly on his leg. He lifted his head and offered the blonde a weak grin to appease him. However, the hockey captain saw right through the gleeful pretense. "You're worried they might be angry?" he asked, his emerald eyes not leaving the road ahead. The brunette frowned. "Are you psychic or something?"

"Yes Mitchell, I am gifted with the sixth sense" whispered the blonde esoterically. A childish smile played on his lips. "I'm also gifted with the ability to make you scream my name in pleasure." The bookworm gave a soft laugh. He felt the lulling gravity of his dilemma hit him in full force as the smirk fell from his silken lips. His features relaxed into an utterly blank mask, leaving the warmth in his cocoa irises to shine iridescently as pools of liquid mahogany. "They sound pissed" he admitted. The hockey captain hand's grip grew slightly tighter to express his sympathy. He gently pressed the brake to slow the car down as they approached a stop street, turning to face Logan's vacant façade. "Do you… maybe regret coming over last night?"

"NO." The uncompromising brusqueness of the brunette's assertion caused the blonde to raise his eyebrows in astonishment. Logan inhaled deeply, sinking back into the grey leather seat apologetically. "I'm sorry" he murmured. Kendall gave a slight shake of his golden mane. "Don't be" he said, turning his attention back onto the road and accelerating the car into motion. "It's good to see some fire in you."

"It's just that…" He threw a hand up in the air, struggling to find the words to complete his sentence. He hung his head melancholically. "I'm tired of living the life they want for me. I want… I need to live my own life, you know? Make my own dreams."

"So what's stopping you?" The bookworm scoffed cynically. "Clearly you haven't met my parents. Count yourself lucky."

"I'm serious Mitchell. Just go out there and do whatever. It's your life; it's whatever you want it to be." Logan turned to face the hockey captain with glazed eyes, his expression still as blank as ever. "And what if it's not?" he whispered softly.

Eventually, the silver Mercedes pulled up in front of the Mitchell household, carrying a consternated Kendall and a despondently quiet Logan. As the bookworm undid his seatbelt, the hockey captain shoved his hand into his pocket and pulled out his Nokia, candidly offering it to the brunette. Logan narrowed his eyes quizzically. "What?"

"Your number" smiled Kendall teasingly. The brunette shook his head. "Don't you already have it? I'm sure I gave it to you when we worked on that English assignment."

"No, you did" said Kendall quickly. "I uh… uh…"

"You deleted it?" sighed the bookworm, giving into a small smirk of his lips. The hockey captain nodded contritely. "I didn't me-"

"Its fine" said Logan, taking the phone from the blonde and rapidly punching in his number on the touch screen. He handed it back over, the smile on his face growing incrementally wider. The hockey captain blinked slowly, the sparks of adulation flying furiously from the green of his eyes. Logan returned his lover's deep gaze with even more intensity on his part, almost drowning the blonde in the seas of his chocolate worship. He wanted to lay his lips on Kendall so badly, needing to lock his head against the curve of his neck and watch the rest of the world disappear in a rose-colored miasma, but he had to stifle his craving. No doubt his mother was watching from a window, gossiping to his father in between her vapid breaths. As much as he wanted them to know the truth out of an acidic spite, the risk was too great, and he'd been through this particular rant several times with himself already. Instead, he offered a verbal affirmation to Kendall. "I love you" he said quietly, his hand travelling over to Kendall's, and letting it linger there momentarily. The blonde shot him a knowing smile. "I love you too." Logan nodded and stepped out of the car. Walking across the immaculately kempt lawns, the heady security that caringly watched over him slip away in a worried lurch. He turned around and watched the Mercedes bullet away, taking every ounce of comfort he felt with it. The giddy excitement that Kendall induced within him slipped away, leaving nothing more than a grounding anxiousness in its place. He hated that his parents had instilled their vision of his 'perfect' life within him ever since he could remember. With every passing day, it became more and more intrinsic, and grew that much harder to fight. An ascetically revealing thought crossed the bookworm's mind – maybe he loved the hockey captain for the escapism he provided. Kendall saw him as Logan Mitchell, the person behind the books and high grades. Instead of flaws, he saw perfections, and loved him all the more for it. Logan's vision fell to the wicker welcome matt when he reached the door. In this world, there were two versions of him – the perfect intellectual and the clandestine lover of a popular high school hockey captain. The sad thing was the possibility of them ever coming together was evermore unattainable, and it killed Logan to know it.

Before he could even raise a hand to knock, the varnished door swung open with a fuming gush of wind, revealing the stone-set faces of the bookworm's parents. Teddy Mitchell's features seemed to exude a quiet disappointment as he gazed at his son, disillusioned with the actions of his academic god of a son. Marlene, on the other hand, seemed the divine epitome of maternal rage; her nostrils flaring with deep, livid inhalations. She pushed away her expensively treated locks of hair to show her son the full scope of her wrath. Logan dropped his gaze instantly, feeling his stomach lurch with guilt. He hated it when his parents were mad at him, more especially his mother, and now he knew he had gone too far this time. "Is this the time to come home?" Marlene's voice came out as nothing less than an enraged quiver. The cocoa eyes that she had passed down to her child burnt with an unquenchable inferno. Logan said nothing as he walked passed his parents. A sickening nausea started to rise within him, exacerbating the remorse that flowed through him like blood. "Don't you walk away from us!" screamed his mother, following him to the foot of the staircase. Teddy followed his wife and son inside the house after closing the door. There must have been some logical reason as to why Logan stayed out all night, but his wife's harpy-like screeching wasn't going to accomplish anything.

"I asked you if this was the time to come home Logan!"

"Marlene, it was just one time-"

"Teddy, no! What if this becomes a habit of his? We'll be the parents of an eighteen year old delinquent who threw his life away!" That last sentence did it for Logan. By some unseen force, the dark pit of culpability instantly evaporated to an untamed inferno of fury, enough to match his mother's in its feral burn. This was what he got for making them happy all these years? One night of doing what he wanted, just one, and this was the reception he got. He was sick of it, of them lording over his life, manipulating it like a puppet on a string. No more, not now. He rounded on his heel to face his parents, the limpid brown of his eyes darkening to a burnt shade of chocolate. "Life?" he whispered vituperatively. "You call this a life? Hiding behind books and grades?" He watched in sadistic contentment as his mother's eyes lessened to two shadowy slits. "How dare you!" she spat. "We've done nothing but give you every opportunity anyone can ever dream of!"

"Because you know everything, right Mom?" yelled Logan vociferously. The beginnings of tears started to mist over his eyes. He was done with this, with them. That illusion of being the perfect son needed to be shattered. One more second of living the luxurious falsehood would strangle him. "You know everything about my life and how I should live it. Guess what, you don't know a damn thing about what I want or who I am!"

"OK, everyone just take a deep breath in and let's all calm down" said Teddy, anxious to diffuse the tension that cut through the atmosphere. Marlene, however, would not forgive Logan for his error as easily as he would. "No, I want to hear what he has to say!" She turned to face her son with crossed arms, tapping her foot expectantly. "Well Logan, we're waiting. What is it that we don't know, huh?" Logan took a deep breath in to steel himself, but it failed miserably. That magical force had taken hold of his senses, filling them with an angry crimson. If they wanted to know the truth, he would let them. He glared at both them, the anger shining brilliantly from behind his saline pools. "I'm gay."

**Oh my God… Now that his parents know, what's in store for poor Logan? Give me a review and I'll hurry up with the next chapter ;) Till next time!**


	14. Chapter 14

**Chapter 14: We Used To Be Alive**

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Big Time Rush or any of the characters.

**Author's Note:** You wanted it, you got it! Thank you to everyone who read chapter 13, reviewed, added it to their alerts, and similar stuff! It really makes my day to get those e-mails, so please keep them coming! Enjoy chapter 14!

'The white light streams down to be broken up by those human prisms into all the colors of the rainbow. Take your own color in the pattern and be just that.'

Charles R. Brown

Logan's heart clouted heavily against his chest in an adrenaline-fuelled cadence, filling his ears with the anxious rush of blood against the blank silence parading around his home. His cocoa eyes glared furiously at his mother and father, taking in every thunderstruck feature of their expressions. Whatever Teddy and Marlene Mitchell expected from their son, this wasn't it. This was his revenge for them reprimanding him, it had to be. Their perfect little boy could not be gay, he just couldn't. But the stinging mist forming against the warm mahogany of Logan's eyes told a different story – behind the burning anger sat a deep need to be accepted. Under all those years of rage was just someone who wanted to know that the people who were meant to support really did love him, no matter what he was. Sure, he might not be able to give them a daughter-in-law or a grandchild, but he was their son… their own flesh and blood. Did he not deserve there unconditional love?

"You're not gay" whispered Marlene, breaking the eternity of stillness with her trembling voice. She laid a hand on her chest and inhaled deeply. Clearly, Logan's announcement shook her to the bone and she was unwilling to see the truth. "You can't be."

"I am Mom" said Logan quietly, his gaze never moving from his mother. He wondered where this sudden surge of bravery came from. Of course, he never meant for his parents to find out about his sexuality at all, let alone like this. He knew the truth would be nothing short of pure ruin to them, but he was weary of living a life that wasn't defined on his own terms. The constant strain that required him to live out someone else's ambitions corroded his soul, possibly beyond repair. The time had come for them to face the reality, whether they wanted to or not. "I'm gay" said the bookworm simply; offering up the veracity of his life like it was all he had to give. "Logan, you… you can't be" said Teddy slowly. His face never changed from the stunned mask it so unnaturally wore. The bookworm turned to face his father with a melancholic sereneness pulsing across his face. "This is who I am Dad."

"NO!" In one angry stride, Marlene breezed to the foot of her stairs and connected her open palm across her son's cheek. Her eyes glistened with her own tears when she saw the red imprint she left on his milky skin. Quickly withdrawing her hand to back to the vicinity of her body, she gave a choked cry that echoed from somewhere within her throat. Her breath became nothing more than quick, constricted blasts of air; in synch with the graying miasma clouding her mind. How could Logan not see how much he was hurting them? "You! You are not gay! You are our son!" she cried, running her hands through her fine hair. Logan froze in the position that the slap left him in, two identical saline trails blazing down from his chocolate irises. With a broken smile, he tenderly ran his fingertips on the crimson smart spreading across his the side of his face. "All my life, I've done nothing but please the two of you" he murmured softly. "I did everything you expected of me without question. I've lost myself behind my books for so long; I had almost forgotten the person breathing in me. I've wanted nothing more than for you to love me." His gaze moved from his mother's devastation to his father's surprise. "But I guess that's too much to ask for." As he said his final words, Logan Mitchell walked up the stairs, and felt the familiar sensation of his mind giving into black void that stirred constantly within it. Desolation blanketed around him with its bleak hug like an old friend. He knew the feeling of hopelessness would soon start to make its acidic path into his heart. He should have known better than to get his hopes up in this past week. Happiness was just a pitiless illusion that taunted him with its idyllic beckon. This was his true destiny – to be unloved by those who he loved the most.

Hours succeeded each other in listless progression within the Mitchell household after the morning's baring events. The color of the outside world slowly gave in to orange touch of the Los Angeles sun as it made the journey across the horizon. By the time the fiery orb set into the west and handed reign of the heavens over to the night, Teddy and Marlene felt as though they had been through several lifetimes of grief. Walking around the house, _Brothers & Sisters_ reruns, falling asleep – they had tried it all but to no avail. There was just no way to avoid Logan's revelation from streaking through their fragmented psyches. The blazing firmness of his voice rang loudly through their heads like he was standing right next to them. It just didn't add up. Had something gone wrong in their parenting? They had given Logan every chance to the paint the sky with his victories and took great delight in his triumphs, no matter how big or small they were. Perhaps that's where the problem lay. In all of his blinding achievements, they had forgotten to listen to the boy behind it all. If they really thought about it, his life was one formless enigma to them. After age ten, they couldn't produce one single fact regarding their son. It was as if he suddenly morphed into a complete stranger; taking the sweet, innocent boy they knew. And now, this… how did everything go so wrong?

At six o' clock precisely, Teddy took his place at the head of the dining room table. Hunger, along with the rest of the physical stipulations of his body, had abandoned him; leaving his mind to wander the maze of his dilemma. The buoyant smile that typically graced his face was conspicuous by its absence. Overall, he felt as though he had aged several decades over the course of one day. He picked up his head at the sound of his wife's expensive stilettos clicking their way across the tiled floor. He watched as she walked mechanically from the kitchen's passage into the dining room with two steaming bowls of freshly ordered Chinese noodles and chopsticks in her hands. She carefully placed one of the porcelain vessels in front of him and took her place to the seat immediately to his right. From the illegible expression on her face, it seemed as though she was lost in her own storm of thoughts. Teddy gently cleared his throat to bring her out of his solace. "Shouldn't we call him? He's been in his room all day, he must be starving."

"If he's hungry, he'll come" she replied in a distant voice, poking her food with lackluster nudges. Teddy exhaled a cautious breath. "Marlene, this isn't going to go away by itself."

"You think I don't know that?" she asked, turning to face him with a statuesque grimness. He returned her gaze with his own poignant intensity. "Look, all I'm saying is that antagonizing him isn't going to solve anything."

"Then what should we do Teddy? Should we be proud that our son likes other boys? Should we throw a party and invite all our friends to celebrate his homosexuality? Don't be an idiot."

"I'm not condoning… all of this. I'm saying that maybe there's a reason he's like this. If we listen-"

"There's nothing wrong with me." At the sound of the muted voice, Marlene and Teddy turned their heads to see Logan leaning placidly against the entrance of the passage. His empty expression surveyed the both of them with a detached interest, countering their every movement with a sweep of his hollow gaze. He was ready for whatever they could throw at him. No more would he suffer in stifling charades and deny himself. If they couldn't accept him for the man he was – if loving him now was too beyond their limited capabilities – then he simply couldn't do anymore. This was his life, his own mistake or glory to make. For once, he had tasted what it was like to be loved for who he was and not what he was achieved. He wasn't about to give that up. "Logan" said Teddy uncertainly, his eyes darting in between his wife and son. "The thing is we're worried about you." The bookworm raised a nonchalant eyebrow. "I'm gay, I'm not dying."

"Not yet anyways" muttered Marlene darkly. The pale olive tone of her skin instantly gained a hint of vermillion at the utterance of her scornful words. Logan shook his head forlornly, sighing softly to himself. "Look, I don't want to fight. You guys are my parents and I love you. I know I wouldn't be where I am without you but you've got to understand that…" He lifted his eyes to ensure that the gravity of his words was entrenched in both of them. "I can't carry on living the way I have." With a slight anticipation, he watched as his parents turned to face each other with equally neutral masks. He ignored the random vein of hope that temporarily gripped his mind. He knew his parents too well to know that they'd ever come around in truly accepting him. The frosty barrier between them all would probably be there forever. It was nothing short of exquisite murder to him for everything to turn out like this, but then again he didn't have a choice. The truth would have eventually found a way out – he was too weak to keep up a skilful deception.

"Logan" said Teddy, pulling the bookworm out of his thoughts. "I'm not exactly sure how to say this but I'm going to try." He pursed his lips in concentration for a second and then turned to fully face the brunette. "We love you too. You've made us very lucky to have a son like you, but you can't throw this in our faces and expect everything to be alright." Logan gave the faintest slip of his head to show his agreement. "Fair enough."

"And," continued Teddy hesitantly, "is this ever gets out, how are we supposed to show our faces again? We'll be ashamed." Logan considered his father's statement before laughing icily. "That's what you're worried about? I tell you I'm gay and you're thinking about saving your name in public? God, how freaking obnoxious can you be?"

"Logan, I'm just trying to think of what's best for you!"

"Then how about trying to accept me Dad? Instead of worrying about what people might think, how about letting your son know that you love him no matter what?"

"How do you know?" asked Marlene. Her voice came out as a monotone of a whisper as she lifted her head to look at her son through glazed eyes. Logan narrowed his eyes. "How do I know what?"

"That you're gay. How do you know?" The bookworm left the sanctuary of the passage way and walked up to the table, angrily laying his hands on the shining oak surface and leaning forward to watch his mother pull back into her chair. A small part of him enjoyed watching her squirm in a nervous fury. "You want to know Mom?" he whispered dangerously. "I know because I've slept with a man." Marlene's eyes formed perfect circles terror. "You've… you slept with someone?" she stammered. The bookworm nodded. "You can't hide from this anymore Mom. Not after this."

-xoxoxoxoxo-

"_Hey babe, it's me. Listen, I'm… I'm sorry for yesterday. You were right; we haven't been spending enough time together lately. I miss you Jo. Call me when you get this. I love you."_ It seemed like she had an endless fountain within her because the tears wouldn't stop. Ever since yesterday, the sharp stabs of pain in her chest refused to go away. Everything she had known, everything she had trusted to be so stable and true turned out to be nothing more than a well-fabricated lie. "_I love you_"? Did he even know the meaning of the words? No, because he wouldn't have done this if he did.

Hearing Kendall's voice made it so much worse because it was so easy to close her eyes and believe what he said. That's how foolishly naïve she was. Or had been. It didn't matter what tense was used, she loved him too much all the same. But to think, another man. Was she not enough? Did she miss some sign along the way? No, Kendall had always been one of those confident macho types. He was the most popular guy in Palm Wood High for God's sakes, there was no way he could be gay! "Then how come Logan was there last night, and you weren't?" asked an insidious voice in her head. She wiped away a stray tear from her eye as she rolled around in the tempestuous grip of her bed sheets. What the hell did Logan Mitchell have that she didn't? Nobody even knew who he was. "And yet yesterday still happened." This must have been his fault. He must have seduced Kendall somehow, because there was no way in hell that he would go there willingly. Yes, that's it. This is all Mitchell's fault. "It has to be" she thought, infinite pools of heartbreak fading against the limpid amber in her eyes. "This has to be his fault because if it's not…" As she watched the pale grey of the moon rise iridescently against the black satin sky, she found herself unable to complete her thought. In the aching call of the night, Jo Taylor was unable to face the brutal hand that fate had dealt her. Her world had started to crumble around her, and she couldn't reverse the damage.

**Hey guys, hope you enjoyed this chapter. Please hit that review button and make my day… till next time, take care **


	15. Chapter 15

**Chapter 15: Requiem Of Disconnect**

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Big Time Rush or any of the characters. I mean, thank God right? ;)

**Author's Note:** Thank you to everyone who reviewed the last chapter. I'm glad to see a lot of you have responded positively to the way the Mitchells reacted to Logan's secret. The way I plan it, there's still a lot more drama to come, so hold on to your hats! Anyway, enjoy chapter 15!

'Right now there's a war between the vanities

But all I see is you and me

And the fight for you is all I've ever known'

_Come Home_ by OneRepublic and Sara Bareilles

"So how did they take it?" The drama queen placed her hands on her lap as she watched Logan slowly tear his eyes away from the cerulean sky. Today might as well have been pouring with solid sheets of water and he wouldn't have cared. Since Saturday, it seemed that the entire world had been coated with a monotonic grey. Even though he might have been expecting it, his parents' less than stellar response sliced an icy blade right through the brunette, sparing him no inch of unhurt pride. The entire weekend had consisted of wintry silences and dagger-eyed glares between all of them. They had never been a particularly close family, but Logan started to long for those days of vapid unity linking the three of them together. Who could he blame for the adverse turn of dynamics but himself? In two words, he had ruined eighteen years of imagined familial cordiality. "Let's just say they weren't pleased," he sighed, turning his warm mahogany eyes to the pressed steel of the bus ceiling. With a hesitant motion, Camille gently took the bookworm's open hand into her own and squeezed it gently. Logan turned to her and cracked a tiny grin of appreciation before lowering his gaze. "Why did you tell them in the first place?" she asked softly. "I mean, not that I'm not all for honesty and everything, but you didn't have to." The bookworm nodded his head in silent agreement. She was right – he didn't have to tell them. He could have created some finely woven excuse for his overnight meandering and they would have believed it without any vacillation whatsoever. It didn't matter what the truth would have been because the illusion of them owning the perfect son would have negated any scandalous activity he might have indulged in. "But that's the whole point of why I told them" thought the brunette poignantly. "How the hell can anyone go along with that pretense anymore?" He lifted his head to face the drama queen, gifting her with his undivided heartache. "I got tired of living a lie" he murmured somberly. "I just… I couldn't take it anymore. The one thing I did for myself and they just tore into me." He rolled his eyes. "I guess they would have found out somehow though."

"What makes you say that?"

"Just a hunch. I would have had to tell them someday. I mean, they would have known something was up when I'm in my thirties with no wife or kids." Camille let out a vociferous burst of laughter before lifting her hand to stifle it down to a genial guffaw. One look at Logan's expression was all it took for her to regain her regal composure. "So they would have noticed huh?" she asked, running a finger carelessly through the luxurious forest of her frosted brown curls. Logan lowered his head in the slightest of nods. "But it doesn't matter now. The point is they know, and they hate me for it."

"You're their son Logan, they can't hate you."

"Just trust me on this one please" whispered Logan wearily. He rubbed his fingers together in pensive thought. "Amazing isn't it? Fall in love with the wrong person and your whole life goes haywire." Camille pressed her lips together, carefully considering what to say next. "OK, don't take this the wrong way Logan, but firstly you don't have that much of a life to go haywire." The bookworm frowned bewilderedly but allowed her to continue with her uplifting vocalization. "Secondly, why all the seriousness? You're in high school, where the hell did a wife and kids come up?"

"This is serious Camille. The relationship I have with my parents just got changed forever. My life-"

"Is what you want to be" interrupted the drama queen smoothly. A knowing smirk curled around her lips. "Stop thinking about what they expect of you and start thinking about what you want." The bookworm turned away dejectedly. "What I want is for them to see me for me. I want them to tell me that I matter to them." He clenched his fist into a loose ball. "That I don't have to be perfect." Camille tilted her head sympathetically. "It could still happen. Give them some time; I'm sure they'll come around."

"What I want is a fairytale that will never come true" remarked the brunette despondently. "And the reason behind it all is…" He let his sentence trail off into an uncompleted silence. The thought of Kendall had haunted him for the past two days, flitting in and out of his thoughts at his own pleasure. Every time he saw that devastatingly mischievous grin the blonde so adeptly wore, pangs of torturous guilt ran through the brunette in electrifying surges. It was illogical for him to feel responsible for sending his parents into a state of walking coma but it couldn't be helped. They had pushed and pushed until they sent him over the abyss. It was their fault he had snapped so easily on Saturday, so why did his head spin whenever the hockey captain made a convenient entrance into his mind? In between the rampant culpability and the desire to run away as far he could, Logan found himself constantly mulling over one disturbing conclusion – whatever foundation that existed between him and the blonde could not be viewed in the same way. Things had changed too much for anything to remain constant. Every single iota of happiness from last week faded miserably against the unbridled storm brewing inside of him. What had once been so stable now seemed so undefined at this point, and he hated the fact that he couldn't do anything about it. Maybe it was his fault for drowning himself in love's deceiving enchantment. Contentment in his life was nothing more than a mere taunt. "It's just a fairytale."

-xoxoxoxoxo-

Camille had rocketed off into the school entrance the minute she had seen James running up to the bus. "Fucking hell, this bastard does not know the meaning of rejection!" she muttered irately before scurrying into the sea of students. From the distance of his vantage point, the bookworm watched James follow the drama queen into the main building; declaring his everlasting love with wide, swinging gestures. Carlos followed closely on his heels with a souring pout of distaste clouding across his face. Clearly, he was unimpressed by the thespian profession spewing vociferously from his friend. Logan shook his head with a small smile as he slowly trudged up to the entrance. "They don't know how lucky they are" he contemplated, watching his feet slowly march him up to the gaping entrance hall of Palm Wood High. "They have their entire lives ahead of them to make it be whatever they want it to be. And what have I done? I'm not even twenty yet and I've already made enough mistakes to last me a lifetime." A rub of his fingers across the fine bone of his forehead failed to clear the deafening disorder clamoring in his psyche. "Damn it. How can we even be together like this?" The rapturous buzz around him all but answered his silent question. Kendall was not a mistake. Falling in love with him was too heavenly to be considered regretted. The hockey captain elevated him to heights unspoken, and he loved it. In his whole existence, he was the only thing that lit up the dark ennui that plagued him so much. The problem lay in where to go from here – the world had reversed its axes in only one weekend and he was still trying to take it all in. Steeling himself for a lifetime of empty stares and pointless altercations with his parents was hard enough, but did he really have the strength to carry on his affair with the blonde? Did he really have the courage to listen to what his heart wanted and ignore the dissenting cries of others? All that zealous fire from Saturday had burnt itself out, leaving only dark ashes of doubt in its blazing wake. He had to admit it to himself: in the game of love, the score was kept in one's cumulative happiness, not passing moments of bliss, and right now he was playing for the losing side.

A few minutes later, the brunette found his head ringing loudly with alarm bells as soon as he walked into the locker corridor. Jo Taylor stood expectantly in front of his little steel box, incising him right to the core with the flickering amber of her eyes. The pastel cherry of her usually moist lips thinned out into a slightly oscillating line as he walked up towards her. A nonchalant swing of her velvet sheet of sunshine hair revealed the deadpan appearance her face pulled into. Taking the final step into her vicinity, Logan flinched inwardly. The biting chill in the atmosphere between them was hard to miss: the typical joviality seemingly evaporated into a seething fire, all of it saved especially for the brunette. This could not be happening, not when everything had just started to fall apart. Not this. "Please dear God, not this" pleaded Logan mentally. "I've been waiting for you" said Jo, pulling Logan out of his devoted reverie with the unwavering clearness of her voice. The bookworm arched an eyebrow. "You have?" Jo threw him a small smirk. "It's not what you think Logan."

"Wow, I'm honored." The blonde contracted her eyebrows together in confusion. "What?"

"No, it's just that I didn't think you'd know my name." Jo nodded. "I know a lot more than you think." The brunette narrowed his eyes to mahogany slits in panic as the blonde took a step forward. The elegant figure of her body exuded a powerful aura of confidence matched only by the pulsing ache echoing in her eyes. "Look, I'm not one to play games so I'll get straight to the point." Her nose flared as she took in a deep breath. "End it." A shard of pain stabbed its way right through the bookworm. She knew. "I'm sorry?"

"See, I don't care what you have going on with Kendall." The forceful confidence in her tone instantly substituted itself with breaking hoarseness that powered itself deep down to the brunette's being. He knew the sheer emotion behind the pitch of her voice all too well. The tawny irises before him started to well up with the stinging burn of tears he had shed too often over the past six months. He listened carefully to her words, picking up on every broken tone of heartbreak that resounded completely through them as if they were his own. Every unsteady inhalation she took was one he had taken already – he knew this sport so well. He'd played it every moment of his life, and now it spread its miserable levity onto someone else. This was his doing – he had done this to her, he was the root of the unbearable pain she felt right now. "Logan" she breathed. "I really don't give a damn about you. But I love him." She gulped in a breath of air in utter anxiousness. "I love Kendall. That's all I've ever done and it's all I can do at this point. I need him." Logan stared at her quietly, ignoring the steady chatter of passing students behind him. The chocolate of his eyes shone magnificently under the fluorescent lighting. "And what if I love him too?" he asked quietly. Jo turned her head away to gaze at the side. It took all her resolve not to let loose a volley of broken tears in front of Logan. "Have you ever been betrayed by the one person you've truly loved?" The bookworm snorted softly. "I'm familiar with the experience."

"Then you'll know that it hurts like hell" she said softly. She turned her eyes back onto him. "You spend each hour trying to figure out what went wrong; only you're too scared to even try to find out what the answers are." Her near-ocher irises turned to a glistening liquid at her words, leaving Logan with a nauseating guilt flushing through his body. "Logan, I'm not here as the jealous girlfriend" she whispered. "I'm here as a girl who's lost everything she ever trusted. Please, give him back to me."

-xoxoxoxoxo-

In its liberating chime, the lunch bell unfettered the glamorous mass of students and sent them racing throughout the school halls in different directions. Fighting against the tide of bustling bodies, Kendall wondered why the geography corridor had to be so far away from his English class. He was already on pins and needles as it is, and the long commute to his girlfriend's pre-lunch classroom didn't help. Logan had cajoled him into picking up Jo for lunch and surprising her. Needless to say, the mere suggestion had left HIM gasping for air. The bookworm had point blank refused to make spend any time with him and steadily ignored him for the better part of the English period until he acceded to the idea. "You can't spend all your time on me" the brunette had said sagely. "Isn't that why you two were fighting on Friday?" All the hockey captain could do was nod faintly in agreement. It was almost strange that the bookworm was so willing to give him up so easily, but did he have to be so clinical about it? Throughout their class, Kendall had turned around at regular intervals to steal pondering glances at brunette behind him, but not once did he see the chocolate affection gaze back at him. Logan made sure that his eyes were fixed firmly away from the hockey captain's sea-green watch. The weary way in which his body withdrew so completely to the back of his chair told Kendall that he must have been to hell and back. "I wish he would tell me what's wrong" thought the blonde concernedly as he slowed down his pace to the middle classroom in the passage. "He bottles everything up like he can deal with it all, but he can't. Not by himself."

Entering the empty confines of the room, the hockey captain found Jo fussing over a book that wouldn't fit into the small precinct of her pale pink satchel. She looked up at the sound of her echoing footsteps to see him with a steadily growing grin skulking about his lips. A confused frown cracked across her forehead. "What are you doing here?"

"I thought a lot about what you said on Friday, and I wanted to spend some time with you" smiled Kendall, walking forward to pull her into a loose embrace. With his free hand, he surreptitiously took the book from her hand with a gentle grasp and placed it on the table behind her. Lowering his head, he tenderly pressed his lips against hers in the lightest of kisses. "You know I love it when you're mad babe" he murmured, stroking the golden lushness of her hair in between his fingers. "But I hate it when you're mad at me."

"Then stop making me mad" said Jo, closing her eyes. Underneath the sensuous ecstasy of the hockey captain's touch, the angst returned to tear at her in the fullest extent of its miserable splendor. Having him so close only served to melt her resolve into pathetic nothingness, but this time it was contrasted by the vivid haunt of what she knew. "I love you Jo." His voice was the epitome of crooning velvet. Was it really that easy for him to lie like this, or was this a halfhearted effort because he assumed she'd buy it anyways? Hesitantly at first but with a gaining firmness, she pulled away from the affectionate grasp. "Don't say that." Kendall raised his eyebrows in astonishment. "Jo?"

"Just don't say it."

"What the hell's the matter with you? All I said was I love you." Jo threw her hands up in the air. "Exactly!" Kendall shook his head, trying to make sense of the illogical scenario playing out before him. Things were going from bad to worse, and a horrible feeling told him he was about to sink through the ice that held him above water. His mouth opened amazedly as the clear amber irises staring back at him welled up with illogical tears. He took a step closer to try and comfort her, but she evaded his hug with an even quicker step backwards. Her quivering hand rose upwards and uncertainly placed itself on her chest, as if trying to hold her being together. "Don't say that! You don't mean it!" she cried. Two identical tears trailed down her cheek, leaving a shining path of betrayal for the hockey captain to see. "Of course I mean it" said Kendall gently, trying his best to calm her down. He knew that his relationship with Jo might not have been the best of recently, but what in the sweet name of God set her off like this? "No you don't!" wept Jo in between her forceful intakes of air. "If you loved me, you would have never been with him!" Kendall felt a cold blast unleash inside of him. He froze where he stood, feeling the blood drain rapidly from his face. His expression slid into blankness. "What are you talking about?" he whispered. Jo took a deep breath in. "I know Kendall" she said shakily. "I know about you and Logan." She shook her head dejectedly. "How could you?" she mumbled thickly, her voice giving way to the flooding of her tears. The hockey captain's breathing accelerated to quick, short clouds. He felt his heart thump at a rocketed rate against his ribcage. "How do you know?" he asked softly. Jo let out an audible sniffle. "I saw you two in your house on Friday night." She flicked off the lock of hair that blocked her line of sight. She watched with a sickening desperation as her boyfriend struggled for breath. "Do you love him?" she asked quietly. A shattering silence fell between them, with Kendall continuing to stare at her through his vacant eyes. She shook her head again. "Do you love him?" This time, her voice broke into a hoarse shout, causing Kendall's bee-stung lips to tremble. "Yes" came the barely audible reply. She shrugged her shoulders coldly. "Then where do we go from here Kendall?"

"I don't know."

-xoxoxoxoxo-

By the time Kendall made his way to the car in the afternoon, he had unsuccessfully tried to convince himself that today was nothing more than a bad dream. His head had devolved into a pool of entropic explosions, each one sending him that much more over into a bottomless cavern of despair. This was all too surreal to be actual reality. The carefully built constructions that held up his life had come down in an extravagant show of emotion. Jo knew the truth – she had to share his love someone else, a man of all people. There was no walking away from this, not this time. Even though every fiber in him screamed loudly for him to find the bookworm and drive away far into the distance with him, he had to face this head on. This was his doing: he was the reason why Jo was hurting right now. "But I love him" he thought melancholically. "How can I give him up… when I need him the most now?" There was no answer to the simple conclusion that it all boiled down to – he was in love with two people and he couldn't let go of either of them. His head pressed for him to make a choice, but his heart convulsed violently at the thought of either one of them escaping from his life.

When he reached the sliver gleam of his Mercedes, the hockey captain found the bookworm leaning against the passenger side door, wearing a serene smile. The awkwardness from the English class disappeared, but his eyes still sung of untold pain behind them. Kendall attempted to smile back but felt it slide right off his lips. Damn it, he was too tired to even smile at him. All he wanted to do was lose himself in Logan's understanding embrace right now and make this day smoke away into a bad memory. "We really should stop meeting like this" said the blonde in an abnormally flat tone of voice. The brunette nodded curtly. "It's becoming a habit of ours. Hell, it is a habit of ours." He gazed into the emerald irises, practically feeling the emotional injuries burn right into him. It made so hard for him to do this, but he had to. He couldn't be selfish after seeing how they had blindly destroyed an innocent life. "Look Kendall, you we have to talk." The hockey captain sighed. "Jo knows."

"I know."

"You know?" The blonde frowned. "How do you know?"

"She came to see me this morning-"

"What? And you didn't say anything?"

"It doesn't matter" murmured Logan. "Not now." He lowered his gaze to the floor. "When I realized that I loved you, I wanted you so badly it hurt. I didn't care that you had a girlfriend or that people expected us to be straight. I just wanted you to know that I loved you… and I wanted you to love me back." He returned his eyes onto the hockey captain, watching the shade of green in his eyes grow deeper by the minute. "This past week has been heaven for me Kendall. I never thought that this would happen, but by some miracle it did."

"Mitchell wait, my head is spinning. Why all the serious talk?"

"Because we can't be selfish anymore. People are starting to get hurt because of us. Innocent people." Kendall took a step forward until he was right up against Logan's body. His eyes searched the bookworm's face for an answer, praying that the lurking apprehension was just nerves. Logan didn't look away. His chestnut irises radiated unadulterated beams of passion right through the blonde. "We can't end this Logan" whispered Kendall thickly. "Please don't. I need you right now." He lifted his hand and tenderly cupped the bookworm's cheek. His thumb softly skimmed across Logan's soft lips. "I love you Mitchell."

"I love you too. I always will." Logan leaned forward and placed his lips against Kendall's, stealing a sweet kiss from his perfect lips. "But we've got to stop. For everyone's sakes, not just our own."

"Logan" pleaded Kendall faintly. Aching stabs coursed through his body, robbing him of what little energy he had left. "Please don't do this."

"I… We have to." Logan's arms wrapped themselves around the hockey captain's solid form and pulled him into a tight hug. He felt him shake uncontrollably in his hold, letting the full weight of his body fall onto his own. He placed his mouth adjacent to his ear and uttered the words that would take several millennia to get over. He already hated himself for doing this, but it had to be done. As his voice flowed into the blonde's ear, Logan felt the small spark of life that had flickered so brightly over the last week extinguish itself. "Goodbye Kendall."

**Oh no… WHAT HAVE THEY DONE! Well, if you guys leave me a review, I promise I will hurry up with the next chapter. So hit that button like your life depended on it people, coz mine sure as hell does! Till next time **


	16. Chapter 16

**Chapter 16: Aphrodite's Scorn**

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Big Time Rush or any of the characters.

**Author's Note:** A HUGE thank you to everyone who reviewed the last chapter and added the story to their alerts and favorites. You guys rock! I was seriously bowled over by the responses, so please keep them coming in. Here's chapter 16, I hope you enjoy it!

'I don't know why they call it heartbreak. It feels like every other part of my body is broken too.'

Missy Altijd

Pensively entranced by the rays of the already setting sun melding seamlessly with the earthen red of the bricks, Kendall vaguely remarked to himself that it was a good thing that the path from Palm Wood High to the Knight residence was so permanently entrenched in his subconscious. He was at a loss as to how he had made it back home – everything since the conversation he had with Logan had blurred into an excruciating enigma. All he knew, all he was capable of feeling, was the aching stab forcefully twisting itself into his chest. It stole his breath in vigorous swipes, and with each passing minute, it grew in its unwanted depth. In a matter of a single day, his heart had turned into an empty vessel, mournfully guarding the brimming heartache it weakly contained. Jo's revelation of her knowledge had been the first to deal the damage, but at the end of it all was the quiet bookworm that had finished the job. The hockey captain already missed that grin that played blushingly about the brunette's lips every time he swooped in for a kiss. He longed to see those chocolate eyes sparkle in that typical modest glee. "This isn't happening" thought the hockey captain dejectedly, but the contemplation lacked the power to delude him into believing it. The magnitude of the pain writhing through him was beyond his capabilities. Sooner or later, he would break down. Losing Logan Mitchell was the one thing he couldn't endure, especially not when he had realized how close to heaven he felt whenever he was with him.

With a nonchalant blink of his eyes, the blonde opened the driver door and stepped out of Mercedes. As soon as his feet touched the ground, a withering tingle cracked up his spine. For just one moment that seemed to pull into eternity, Kendall felt the chaotic helplessness of the situation possess him and settle under his skin. He sent a mental cry to the universe for the overwhelming misery to end, but the powers that be were obstinate in their silence. The sharp breathlessness powered itself from the corner of his mind to cruelly steal afflict him once more. "I can't do this" thought the hockey captain. For the first time in years, the emerald shards of his eyes lined themselves with the shining crystal tears of heartache. He bit down on his lip to chase them away. "He means too much to me." It was more than a matter of love that ran through several eons. The hockey captain didn't know who he was without the brunette. He was at the pinnacle of the social hierarchy, but that didn't mean anything to him anymore. Logan had shown him that a man could willingly be made a slave at just the hint of love's potent touch. The bookworm was the one person who truly saw him for what he was, and didn't judge him for his actions. He simply loved him and enthusiastically embraced all his glaring faults of character. Unsurprisingly, the hockey captain harbored no fury for the bookworm. He had undertaken a deep search within himself for any trace of anger to help ease the pain, but had failed miserably. Instead, he only saw the deep affection that had blossomed over the past week. He couldn't be mad at him, this wasn't his fault. He had unselfishly sacrificed their own need for each other so that someone else might be spared the heartache of what he went through. "So what do you want me to do now Mitchell?" asked Kendall to the yearning breeze that caressed his golden locks. "Move on with Jo and forget you ever existed?" In the quiet howl of the wind, the blonde closed his eyes and imagined the brunette's words cascade through the air: "_I love you too. I always will._" He breathed in the warm air to fortify himself, but found the pain to cut that much deeper instead. "I'll always love you too" he whispered to sentient atmosphere. "No matter what anyone says." Opening his eyes to the world, Kendall allowed himself to mistake the zephyr's loving touch for Logan's, and found that the wounds on his heart temporarily eased themselves into silence, only to burn even more resiliently a moment later. He knew that time would not heal his wounds, but corrode them further – such was the nature of loss.

Automatically pushing the door open, the blonde was mildly surprised by the sight that greeted him. His mother sat complacently on the black leather couch with a small stack of files lying next to her. The TV was tuned to a repeat episode of _Desperate Housewives_, which seemed more interesting to Jennifer Knight than the stack of work that uniformly called her name. She smilingly glanced at Kendall standing in the doorway. "Hello dear son of mine" she greeted in a surprisingly dulcet tone. "How was school?"

"Fine" murmured Kendall softly. His mind was still preoccupied with the seething melancholy slowly shattering his heart. "What are you doing home so early?" His mother clicked her tongue excitedly. "Well, you'd never guess what happened. Apparently the higher ups thought I did such a good job in San Francisco, they made me a partner in the firm!" The hockey captain tilted his head bewilderedly to process the statement for a few seconds before it finally registered in his brain. The small smirk he gave to his mother felt completely falsified to him, but it had to be done. He wasn't about to ruin her shining moment of glory by letting his own misery fall through. Shutting the door behind him, he walked over to the couch and wrapped his mother in a loose embrace. "Congrats Mom, you really deserve it. I'm so proud of you." He noticed the faint tinge of pink in her cheeks. "Why thank you" she gushed, beaming from ear to ear. "But the best part is that my work schedule is so much more flexible now. I'll get to spend a lot more time with you kids from now on."

"That's great. I'm really happy for you." The blonde let his words hang hesitantly in the air before swinging his head around. Normally, he would be over the moon about something like this, but today just colored everything grey. The entire world seemed less appealing somehow, almost as if the ground beneath him had given way to some hellish portal. Jennifer frowned at her son's lack of enthusiasm. "Is everything OK?" Kendall returned his attention to his mother's questioning expression. "Yeah, of course. Do you even have to ask?" he replied with another forged grin. "You seem a little distracted" said his mother, her eyes never leaving the blonde's mask of a face. Kendall shook his head. "Nope, I'm good." He continued to meet his mother's gaze to convince her of his wellbeing, fearing he may be found out. Finding it best to make a quick exit out of her maternal vicinity, he impatiently bounced on his feet. "So, I should probably get cracking on my homework so I'm free for practice tomorrow. I'll see you later, _partner_" he smiled, adding a wink for effect. He didn't wait for a reply and eagerly turned around and headed for the stairs. A faint tug of guilt pulled in his stomach, but he coerced it away with his forceful will. "This is nobody's fault but my own" he reflected darkly. "She doesn't have to know. No one does."

-xoxoxoxoxo-

The digital clock in Kendall's room changed its numbers without fail, but the hockey captain found himself fixed onto his bed, utterly paralyzed by his emotions. His eyes had continually traced the same path on the ceiling for the past three hours, but he didn't notice. He was beyond caring at this point. From this poignant standpoint, the perpetual rhythm of his life seemed so small and insignificant. "How did everything get so messed up?" he asked himself hoarsely. Unfortunately, he was troubled by the blazing lucidity of the fact that he had only himself to blame. He had made Logan run through countless rings of stifling depression for six months, and he had now done the same with Jo. Karma seemed to think it was only fair that he get paid back in kind. Still, that didn't stop the hurt. Logan was gone, possibly forever. It was a surreal truth to accept; but it was cold, hard reality. What he wouldn't give for one last smile, one last kiss. "One last moment with him." The hollow loneliness within throbbed painfully in reply to his want, killing him slowly from the inside out. In the depths of his despair, Kendall Knight had discovered that the other face of love, while no less beautiful than its blissful sibling, was no more than an entity of despondency that suffocated whoever it kept company.

The blonde's thoughts were interrupted by the slow creak of his door. He propped himself up on his elbows to see his mother hesitantly enter the room, wearing her trademark beam. "Dinner's ready" she said, immediately sensing the blackened mood of the atmosphere. "It's spaghetti and meatballs tonight. Admittedly, not my best work, but when you consider that I had three files of advertising contracts to go over, it's not so bad." Kendall let his body flop back onto the beckoning support of the mattress. "I'll be downstairs in just a second."

"No you won't" said Jennifer knowingly, seating herself on the edge of the bed next to the hockey captain's feet. "You say you will, but you'll spend the rest of the night up here." She placed a reassuring hand on her son's leg. "Talk to me Kendall" she said softly. "What's wrong?" For one moment, the blonde felt his pain peak through the barrier he'd so valiantly put up, but immediately retracted it back into his being. "Nothing" he said flatly. "Stop worrying about me Mom. I'm fine, I swear." His mother sighed exasperatedly. "Well, I can't make you talk if you don't want to. Just know that I'm here if you ever need someone to listen." She lifted herself off from the bed and headed towards the door. As she was about to push it open, the broken croak of her son's voice stopped her where she stood. "Mom?" Smiling to herself in triumph, she turned around to face Kendall. The blonde carefully considered his words before continuing. "What would you do if I wasn't who you thought I was?" Jennifer arched an eyebrow as she evaluated the question in all the glory of her maternal capacity. "What do you mean?" she asked slowly. Kendall bit his lip. "What if I wasn't the popular hockey captain with the beautiful girlfriend? What if I was… something else?" The beam returned to Jennifer's face, albeit in a more serious tone. "Sweetie, I'm your mother. I'm supposed to love you no matter what." The blonde nodded slightly. "Thanks Mom" he whispered hoarsely. Jennifer's smile grew. "Just don't turn out to be a murderer or something, because that would make things really awkward."

-xoxoxoxoxo-

The clock in the Roberts home registered the time as eight o' clock when Camille answered the door. Fed up with her mother's 'Eastern food experiments', she and her father had phoned the local pizzeria and placed an order for a large salami and mozzarella pizza without anchovies or tomatoes. Her mouth salivated as she placed her hand on the door handle. Swinging the door open with an impatient force, she found herself face to face, not with the pizza delivery man, but the imploring face of Carlos Garcia. An impish smirk found its way across her full lips as she raised an eyebrow in a mixture of curious amusement and annoyed weariness. "Well, I can't say I was expecting this" she said melodiously. The Latino flashed a nervous smile in response to her examining watch. "So, you're Model Boy's friend right?"

"Uh… yeah" he said, scratching the back of his head. "Can I come in?"

"Do you have my pizza?"

"What? No."

"Then you may not come in" smiled the drama queen. She took a vague pleasure in his obvious anxiety. There was no doubt in her mind as to why he was here. Crossing her arms, she decided to put an end to the conversation before it started. "Look, I don't know how you got my address, but my answer is no. I will not go out on another date with James and I most certainly will not become his girlfriend." Carlos's expression fell into disappointed neutrality, but immediately regained its vigor. "OK, first of all, James gave me your address in between combing his hair and sobbing his ass off. Secondly, you HAVE to give him a second chance because we're all sick and tired of hearing him go on about you." Camille frowned in confusion. "Who's 'we'?"

"Me, Kendall Knight… the entire school."

"Well, I certainly feel for you all, but my answer is still no." Carlos looked heavenwards, praying for a turn of fortune. "Look, I know he's an absolute dumbass. The guy's been my best friend since kindergarten; you think I don't know that he's vain, shallow and a serial womanizer? But the thing is, he's never been this torn up over a girl. You…" He hesitated for a moment, struggling to find the words. Gazing into the deep brown of the drama queen's eyes, he found the rest of his sentence. "You're the first perfect package he's ever found" he said quietly. Blushing bright crimson, he immediately dropped his head to look at his feet. Camille's smile lessened by a small extent. There was something about the Latino's plea that struck something within her. In his own bumbling way, Carlos Garcia reminded her of a more popular version of Logan Mitchell. "Alright. ONE date only. Wednesday night and I get to bring someone along." Carlos sharply raised his line of sight. "This isn't a double date!"

"I'm sorry, but there is absolutely no way I'm going to endure another evening of corny pickup lines and self-centered gibberish alone."

"James is gonna be pissed."

"Well then, I guess the rest of the school is going to have to endure James's moping for quite a long time" replied Camille sweetly. Carlos cursed mentally. This girl really was as stubborn as they came. Clearly, the words 'compromise' and 'sacrifice for the greater good of humanity' were not part of her vocabulary. "If I came along" he said slowly. "Would that be alright? That way you won't be alone and James won't go all PMS." The drama queen considered his proposal carefully. "Alright" she agreed. "See you Wednesday night. But any funny business, and the deal's off." The Latino grinned in heavily relief. "You have my word."

"I'd better, else they'll be having your funerals on Friday instead of prom."

-xoxoxoxoxo-

"It… it just happened" said Kendall quietly, avoiding Jo's piercing glare. The rest of the school was anxiously clamoring towards the cafeteria for the Tuesday tramezzini special. The hockey captain felt that it was too much to ask of him to sit ten feet away from the bookworm and pretend that he wasn't undergoing death by torturous degrees. Instead, he met Jo in the empty math classroom, where he was promptly met with a cold, confused silence. Hoping to break the frosty wall that separated the both of them and ease the pain crippling his already deadened conscience, he confessed all without her asking. He captured her pained attention with just the hint of his first words. He could tell that she was wounded beyond what she was capable of showing. He had violated the unquestioning trust she placed with him, and he did not deserve her forgiveness. Still, he couldn't help but feel that her hurt was matched only by the echoing chasm that took the place where the shards of his heart had lain.

"It went on for about six months. We would do it in the afternoons whenever we were both free. He never asked for anything" said the blonde, taking mental note of the strain on his companion's face when the brunette was mentioned. He decided to press on with his declaration of guilt. "He was just happy that I was with him. He kept saying that he loved me. I told him to stop, but the truth was-"

"You started to feel the same way" interrupted Jo quietly. Today, her eyes did not rim with tears because she had none left to shed. She was incapable of crying anymore over the infidelity – the dark cloud in her mind was too much to handle at once. "Yeah" said Kendall softly. Jo flicked a stray lock of hair from out of her eyes. "Do you regret it?" The hockey captain blinked vacantly. "Do you want the truth or do you want me to lie?" Jo shook her head in gradual increments. "Lie to me."  
>"I do regret it." She turned her head to meet his swimming emerald irises once more with a disturbing force that shook him to the core. "What happened to us Kendall? We used to be so in love."<p>

"I do love you."

"But you still love him." Kendall dropped his head in a slight nod. "What do you want to do?" he asked, his voice barely audible in the empty trappings of the classroom. Jo clenched her hand into a loose ball. "I don't know if we can go anywhere from here." Kendall dropped his gaze. "Then maybe that's our answer."

**Well people, hope you enjoyed this chapter! PLEASE leave a review for me, it really makes me a happy writer. PLEEEASSSSE! Till next time! **


	17. Chapter 17

**Chapter 17: On Being Human**

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Big Time Rush or any of the characters.

**Author's Note:** Thank you to everyone who reviewed the last chapter and added the story to their alerts. You guys are awesome so I know it's been a while since my last post (please don't kill me!) but here it is, I hope you all like it. I would like to dedicate this chapter to my long lost friend Kitaro who has recently become a Rusher herself (big round of applause). Anyway, please leave a review and tell me what you thought.

'Did you say it? "I love you. I don't ever want to live without you. You changed my life." Did you say it? Make a plan. Set a goal. Work towards it. But every now and then, look around. Drink it in, because this is it. It might all be gone tomorrow.'

Meredith Grey from _Grey's Anatomy_

"Logan? You're going to be late for school" called Teddy to the dirty white door. His sentence was followed by a couple of tentative knocks to rouse his son. His efforts were for nothing – Logan's obstinate silence had lasted for the past week or so, driving up tensions within the Mitchell family to unbearable maximums. In fact, the bookworm's icy demeanor was matched only by his mother's volcanic fury. Every night, Teddy could practically feel the seething anger pour off her with a pulsing aura. It seemed Marlene had gotten over her shock and jumped straight into a stormy phase. When cold indifference met Vulcan vehemence, mutual sparks of hatred charged the air. An eruption was due soon, Teddy could sense it. The only variable of importance was time: for a man of his nature, he did not do well to anxiously await a fiery showdown. His family was crumbling before his eyes, drowning themselves in unfathomable detestation. "This has to end" he thought forlornly.

Picking his head up at the sound of approaching footsteps, Teddy turned his head to see his wife make her way over to him. She was busy fiddling with her earring, but afforded him a quick smile. Once she registered where he was standing, it slid off her lips in mild disgust. "What's the matter?" she asked flatly, averting her gaze to anywhere but the door that stood in front of them. Almost immediately, her stance changed to brace herself for the oncoming attack. Half expecting Logan to burst through the door with an axe, she slowly backed away from it. "He won't come out" murmured Teddy with a shake of his head. Marlene clicked her tongue impatiently. "So?"

"So? Marlene, aren't you even in the least bit concerned about him?" Teddy's eyes rounded themselves into perfect saucers at her sudden maternal neglect. More than anything, Logan had been far closer to her than he ever was to him. His constant business trips meant that he only saw his son growing up in flashes instead a single smooth stream. He was not privileged as his wife was to know the inner workings of their son, yet she seemed utterly blind to it. Whatever love she had for Logan had seemingly evaporated under her molten rage. "Marlene, listen to me" he whispered. His voice broke into a quivering whisper that was caught somewhere between desperation and a fuming temper at Marlene's attitude. "Whatever you think you're doing, stop it now. You're only pushing him further away."

"So do you want me to do Teddy?" she asked, stamping her expensive shoe against the eggshell-colored tiling. "Do you want me to go in there and pretend-"

"I'm asking you to give a damn! We're not the only ones suffering here. Just think about what he must be going through." Marlene's eyes icily narrowed into dangerous slits, causing a small shiver to wash over Teddy's body. He prepared himself for the oncoming explosion, but it never came. Instead, a soft grief pierced through her irises and momentarily possessed her. "Ever since he was a little boy, I have been dreaming of the day he would get married" she whispered softly. As she spoke, her posture loosened up to finally unburden the tempestuous pain she felt. The brutally cynical edge in her voice flowered into a more wistful tone, as if mourning a lost one. A nostalgic smirk, although small, spread across her lips. "He would meet this wonderful girl in college and propose to her. They'd get engaged and then he'd bring her home so we could meet her. Then they would get married and I would be that sobbing mother you see on TV." She shook her head. "Then they'd have kids… and we would be grandparents. They'd come over during the holidays, and we would spoil them." Her eyes glistened under the soft passage light. "We would have had it all Teddy" she said hoarsely. Wiping the area underneath her eye, she instantly composed herself back into the ice queen her husband knew so well. "But now that will never happen" she said firmly. Teddy regarded her in hurt bewilderment for a second before continuing. He picked his words carefully so as not incite her wrath again. "Look Marlene… this has thrown us all for a curveball-"

"Curveball? No Teddy, a curveball is when you spill wine on the sofa. A curveball is when you accidentally dent another car. A curveball is not when your son comes home after a night of debauchery and tells you he's gay." Teddy opened his mouth to retort but Marlene held up her hand and looked at the watch on her wrist. "Damn it, I'm going to be late" she muttered. She looked up at her husband again, this time in neutered restlessness. "Are you taking me to work or do I need to call a cab?" Teddy turned to face the door and rapped his knuckles against the hard surface. "Logan, you're going to be late!" He sighed wearily at the silence that met his exclamation. "Can we go now?" asked Marlene clinically, throwing her hands up in triumph. Teddy turned to her and nodded, watching her saunter her way down the stairs. Turning around to face the entrance to Logan's secret world once more, his felt his face slip into an expression of slipping desperation. The two people that he loved the most in the world seemed at the ready to tear each other apart, and he was reduced to a mere bystander. "God, if you're listening – help me please" he pleaded silently. "Don't let me lose either one of them." A small ball of comfort curled up inside of him, but it wasn't enough to sate the pounding anxiety flooding through his blood. If God really was up there, He would have to perform a miracle for this strife to end.

-xoxoxoxoxo-

Within the serene confines of his bedroom, Logan heard the engine of his father's BMW hum to life, accelerating from out of the driveway with its usual finesse. A small smirk came to him as pushed away the stifling comforter that suffocated his milky skin. A graceful twist of his feet landed him out from the bed's seductive touch and onto the cold firmness of the floor beneath him. Yawning unapologetically, he walked over to the window and let the cold air and dense light of the early morning embrace him wholly to wake him up. "Should have thought of this earlier" he said loudly. He flinched at the volume of his voice, but then relaxed upon realizing that he was alone. He couldn't remember the last time when the house had been this quiet – no telephone ringing, no _Brothers & Sisters_ blaring on the TV and certainly no loud comparisons about how his family was better off than everyone else. Today, it was just him and all the time he needed to fill the gaping void that threatened to consume him. Again, he had risked a chance on love, and unsurprisingly he had painfully disintegrated into nothingness. This time, he had only himself to blame: he couldn't stand to see someone else's heart shatter, so he broke his own instead – and in doing so, he had lost the one thing that lifted his life from mundane obscurity.

Of course he had been awake since the alarm on his bedside had gone off, but today had been different, and not just because of the rampant exchange of words he had overheard. Vivid memories of Kendall had begun to cruelly taunt his dreams, hurtfully reminding him of blissful days gone past. He could still feel the hockey captain's hands wrap themselves around his body, valiantly protecting him from whatever harm the world may throw his way. Soft whispers of his voice still flowed into his ear, whispering sweet promises into his ear about how they would be together forever. He didn't expect anything less: it was still too early for him to even make an attempt to forget everything that happened over the past week. He was back to square one, but he couldn't get angry at anyone this time around. "Guess that means no more meetings at his Mercedes" thought the bookworm sardonically, trudging his way over to the bathroom. He stopped in his tracks and felt the beginnings of tears melt away the firm chestnut of his eyes. That particular Friday was too painful to recall. He had stupidly gone over there to tell the blonde that he no longer had a hold over him, but instead found himself beginning the happiest days of his life. He smiled sadly to himself, feeling the ache inside of him pulse echoingly in the empty shell that made him. For one week, he had believed that magic really did exist. He and the hockey captain had constructed a private fantasy so deep and complex that they actually mistook it for the reality of their world. "We should have known better" he reflected despondently. "Wishes do not come true. They just… exist." Still, he did not regret a moment of it. Even if it was brief, the brunette knew instinctively that Kendall Knight had given him seven glorious days that he would remember even after his dying breath. Their time together was divine by nature and heavenly by feeling, but now was the time for order to reign over passion. The hockey captain belonged to Jo and only to her. He had been wrong to violate that in the first place. The solid truth was hard to swallow, but he had to face it. Jo Taylor was the significant half of Kendall Knight, not him, and no amount of deluded fantasy could take that away; especially not after he let him go.

Logan made his way into welcoming playfulness of the Mitchell bathroom. He ignored the beautifully tiled fresco of Poseidon and Amphitrite amongst several dolphins, heading straight for the bathroom cabinet that stood on the other side of the room. He gazed deeply into the eyes of the young man that stared back at him, wondering who on Earth this person was. He wasn't even into the second decade of his life but already he had suffered enough for lifetimes ahead of him. What kept him rooted to this world? It wasn't his parents; that was clear from this morning. It wasn't Kendall… at least not anymore. Jo could be safe in the knowledge that he wasn't going to turn to him anymore. "I have to find something to live for" he murmured inaudibly. He wished it was as easy as it sounded. Finding a new spark in his life amidst all of this chaos was like trying to ask for the moon. "Find it Logan" whispered the bookworm to himself. "You'll get through this. In time, it'll pass." As his words softly bounced of the walls and escaped into the passageway, Logan wondered who he was trying to convince. "If you're listening, I need you." Then again, it didn't matter after all. He was too used to the pain to understand anything else – happiness was just an illusion.

-xoxoxoxoxo-

After a shower and a small breakfast, Logan marched into the living room and switched on the TV. Usually he would study if he missed a school day, but since everything else was thrown into entropy, he decided to buck that trend. It was a poor show of his rebellion, but it was something nonetheless. However Marlene and Teddy Mitchell were the last two people he could think of right now. He needed something, anything, to distract him from wallowing in pain as he'd done so many times before. He flicked through each of the channels that cable television had to offer before eventually settling on a repeat episode of _The Big Bang Theory_ that was on CBS. It astounded him to no end that even someone like Sheldon Cooper could find himself someone to 'have affectionate feelings for', and yet a perfectly decent guy like himself was left out in the cold. "Well, he never broke up any relationship" he smiled sardonically. "Maybe I should make that guy my hero. Everyone already thinks I'm like that anyways."

As he watched the comedic antics of Sheldon trying to teach Penny the wonders of theoretical physics, the bookworm's ears picked up on the familiar drone of the BMW's engine pulling into the driveway. A bemused frown appeared across his forehead. It wasn't like his father to come home from work early, especially not at this time day. Moments later, the front door quietly creaked open, revealing a gently smiling Teddy Mitchell walking into the house. Logan turned around to face his father. "You're home early" he noted, taking in the barely wrinkled shirt and coat that Teddy wore so professionally. The older man's smile grew slightly. "Well, I do own the place" he smirked jovially. Logan narrowed his eyes suspiciously. "Dad, what's going on?" He watched with a vague interest as Teddy's smile gradually fall into a neutral line. "Look son, I'm not going to screw around here. The situation between you and your mother – it's getting unbearable for me."

"Yeah, I heard" said Logan quietly, switching the TV off with a careless flourish of the remote. He averted his gaze to the piece of wall beside Teddy. "Thanks for sticking up for me." Teddy sighed and rubbed his palm through his graying forest of hair. He walked over to the other side of the couch and let gravity pull his fatigued form onto its leather embrace. "Is it too much to ask for you to talk to me?" he asked poignantly. Logan exhaled deeply. "Depends what you want to talk about."

"How did you-"

"I still don't know myself" interrupted Logan softly. He didn't need his father to complete his question to give the answer. "It… we just happened." Teddy nodded. "Did you… I mean, are you in love with him? Whoever he is."

"Yeah. But we ended it." Logan let out a soft chuckle at his father's quizzically tilted head before he continued. "Things just got in the way. People were starting to get hurt."

"I don't understand."

"I was kind of the 'other person.'" Teddy blew out a low whistle at the bookworm's revelation. It seemed that everyday brought a new piece of the puzzle to shock him. The image of Logan as the prizewinning academic was fast disappearing from his mind, being replaced with that of a person who was starting to deal with the emotionally complex workings of the world. No longer could he hold resentment for his son having the bravery to tell the truth, nor could he continue to sympathize with Marlene's illogical abhorrence of an attitude. "You're really growing up aren't you?" he asked quietly to his son, though he felt the question was more directed to himself than anyone else. Logan flashed a small smile. "Glad you finally noticed." He dropped his line of sight once more. "And just so you know, I'm not doing this to spite the two of you. This is who I am now."

"I know son." Logan looked up sharply, his mahogany eyes shimmering in uncertainty. "Don't say that for the sake-"

"I mean it Logan. I get it now." He lifted his arms up and pulled his son into a conveying embrace. It wasn't enough to make up for the years of pretense or the lack of time he had given him, but it let him know that he was here for him now. He felt Logan's body freeze up as soon as they made contact, but slowly give into the hug in tiny shudders. "I'm sorry I wasn't there for you" he whispered softly. Logan gulped. "Are you here now Dad?"

"Yes."

"Then that's all I want." He pulled back and gave Teddy a brief grin. "Thank you" he said softly, grateful for this one moment of right when everything else was going so wrong. It wouldn't seal up the pain, nor was it a reason to move on from the hurt, but it was a small bit of proof that God really did listen to the prayers of mortals when they needed it the most.

**Hey people, hope you enjoyed this chapter. Please hit that button like crazy and make smile from ear to ear. Till next time! ;)**


	18. Chapter 18

**Chapter 18: Guys Like Him**

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Big Time Rush or any of the characters. If I did, they'd have to start airing it on HBO instead of Nickelodeon with what I have in mind…

**Author's Note:** I know I know, I'm late again, but this time it's not my fault! It's been really hard to get the creative juices flowing in a household full of lunatics, and the worse part is they don't even know they're lunatics! A huge thank you once again to everyone who reviewed the last chapter and had various alerts put on the story, you guys are awesome. Seriously, I would dedicate a holiday to you all if I could. Anyways, here's the next chapter, please enjoy – and don't forget to review please! Remember I live with a bunch of loonies, so I need every bit of joy I can get my hands on!

'I'm more than just an option.'

_Find Your Love_ by Drake

Camille fluttered an eye down to the lit display of her phone. "Half six" she noted dryly to herself, lifting her eyes back to her reflection in the mirror. James would be knocking zealously on the door in about half an hour and take her out for what she had no doubt would be the most lackluster night of her life. There were a myriad of other activities she would rather do than spend more than ten minutes in the company of someone so self-obsessed – for instance, sticking knitting needles in her eyes. This 'pity date' would no doubt end up like the last one: with her gunning for the nearest exit like her life depended on it. This was more of a community service than anything else. Carlos's plea about Palm Wood High's collective suffering at the hands of his friend's heartache had grudgingly moved her to accept his offer of playing chaperone tonight. "The plight of one for the good of many I guess" she sighed, rubbing a faint streak of blush across her cheeks. She didn't know much about the Latino apart from the fact that he seemed to be surgically attached to the vapid blonde. There was something about him though that piqued her interest, a mixture of peculiarity and confident magnetism in the right proportions which facilitated a mutual attraction. The drama queen had to refrain from smirking silently to herself as she glided a wine red lipstick across her lips. At the very least, Carlos Garcia seemed more grounded than James Diamond. "Let's hope he's not gay too" she murmured, analyzing her reflection for any flaws in her makeup.

Still gazing at the mirror with an intent eye, the drama queen barely noticed her bedroom door opening to allow her mother to stealthily slip in. "So" smiled Mrs. Roberts sweetly. Camille raised her eyebrow expectantly as she turned around to face her mother. "So?"

"A date huh?"

"Yes" said Camille slowly, sensing the gleeful interrogation that was about to come. "The boy with the cute ass?" asked Mrs. Roberts, her smile growing by the second. The drama queen sighed wearily. "Yes Mom, the guy with the cute ass." The confirmation sent her mother into a series of triumphant air punches and a chorus of victory chants. Camille shook her head despondently at the sight. High school theatrics were fine, but there came a certain age where it just turned pathetic. Evidently, her opinion was not shared by Mrs. Roberts. "Mom, would you stop that? You're embarrassing me." Her mother froze in mid cheer and instantly put a sour pout on her lips. "You're no fun. There's no one around here."

"No, but your future grandkids are cringing in distaste." Camille grinned as she heard her mother scoff in faux offense at her words and got up from the makeup station in an erudite manner. She wafted over to her bedside table and gently picked up the silver charm bracelet lying patiently against the white wood surface. Mrs. Roberts watched her daughter with interested eyes as she wrung the glistening chain around her wrist and clipped it, all done in a matter of seconds. The bracelet had been a gift for Camille's sixteenth birthday, and since then she had treasured it with her life: it only came out on extremely special occasions. If she was wearing it now, she definitely was out to impress. "If I was you, I'd make him work for it" she smiled cunningly. The drama queen turned around sharply. "Make him work for what?"

"I'm just saying I wouldn't put out immediately" said Mrs. Roberts, supporting her statement with her slow hand movements. "Then again, with that hair and that ass, I'd probably jump on and ride him till dawn."

"You're such a pedophile, you know that?"

"No, it's just been so long since I've been touched" said the drama queen's mother with a slightly mournful edge to her tone. Camille wrinkled her nose. "Never say that to me again."

The sharp lull of the front doorbell prevented Mrs. Roberts from replying to her daughter's request. Camille gave her a final look to warn her against anymore of her liberal tongue-wagging before hastily gliding out of the room. The ebony silk of her dress pressed lightly against her skin as she practically skipped down the stairs and into the main entrance hall. Before her first courting with James, she had felt the light pangs of giddiness tenderly float about in her stomach. The man had godlike looks, and she was admittedly flattered that the local Adonis had taken an interest in her. Presently, all she felt were echoes of resentment bang around in her mind. Now that the time had actually come, she wondered why she had ever agreed to do this in the first place. Of course the entire school would owe her favors by the millions, but was it worth it for a night of infinite torment? She exhaled a long breath to calm down and brace herself for what was about to come. Grabbing her purse from the chest of drawers that stood a few feet away from the door, she gave her hair a few flicks and forced her lips into a plastic smile. Upon opening the door, it instantly evaporated at the sight of a politely smiling Carlos Garcia standing in the patio. She gave him a bewildered smile. "Not that I'm not happy to see you, but where is my torturer for the evening?" Carlos chuckled softly. "He's meeting us at the restaurant. He really wanted to make sure that everything was perfect."

"Perfect huh? What would be perfect would be for him to grow a brain, but I guess you can't ask for miracles."

"You uh… you look great" said Carlos, trying to fight the scarlet tinge that consumed his face. He dropped his head and became intensely absorbed in shuffling his feet. The drama queen's smile grew by a pleasant increment. "You're not so bad looking yourself" she replied smoothly, relishing the fact that the Latino's flush deepened furiously at her words. At the sound of approaching footsteps, she turned around to see her mother stride towards the door. "Carlos, this is my-"

"Who are you?" interrupted Mrs. Roberts quizzically. "You're not the guy with the great ass."

"MOM!" exclaimed the drama queen, turning into her own version of red. Carlos flashed out a sheepish smile. "It's nice to meet you Mrs. Roberts." Camille glared in utter rage at her mother before grabbing Carlos by the arm and leading him to the Toyota parked in the driveway. "I'll be back by ten" she called, dragging the Latino by the arm in her confident strut. "Hopefully this won't last long." Carlos allowed himself to be led all the way to his car in a smirking silence. "So your Mom seems nice" he said, opening the car door for Camille. The drama queen clicked her tongue impatiently. "Yeah, she's a real hoot."

"Is my ass really that bad?" he asked laughingly. Camille leant back and took a long, hard look. "No comment."

-xoxoxoxoxo-

"So what is Model Boy up to exactly?" asked Camille for the tenth time. Her question induced a weary sigh in the Latino, making him wish that the queue in front of him would move faster. He had never seen such resilience in anyone, much less in any girl James chose to date. It would have actually been quite interesting if he weren't on the receiving end of it. The entire drive to L.A.'s best Italian restaurant had been made up of awkward silences, stolen glances and the same question being asked over and over again. It didn't take long for the Latino to see that this girl was poles apart from the rest. She had wisdom beyond her years, belied by just enough quirkiness to give her an unprecedented depth of character one would expect from someone who'd seen the world beyond its alluring veil. She was truly breathtaking; there was no other way to put it. James Diamond had really discovered a gem in the rough here. "Hope the bastard realizes how lucky he is" thought Carlos dejectedly. "She's really one of a kind." Almost immediately, he curled his fist into a tight ball, muttering a soft reprimand to himself. He wasn't supposed to feel this way… he would make sure of it, even if that meant sticking a fork into his hand. He and James had been friends for as far back as he could remember – he may have suffered through the blonde's thoughtless mishaps over the years, but he valued their friendship above all else. He would have to ensure nothing came between them, not even the alluring charm of Camille Roberts.

"Reservation?" asked the maitre d' as they approached the columnar podium. The Latino heard the drama queen giggle incoherently behind him. He could see why: in the waiter's attempt to mimic an Italian accent, his voice had come out in a high pitched squeal, as if he was on helium. What made it even more amusing was that he was completely unaware of it. Carlos raised his eyebrows. "Table for three. It's reserved under James Diamond." The maitre d' ran his finger down a paper list in front of him. "Ah yes. Mr. Diamond called earlier and requested me to tell you that he will be a bit late." Camille rubbed her palms together excitedly. "There just might be hope for tonight yet" she said loudly. Carlos turned around to throw her a brief grin before returning his attention to the waiter. "Did he say why?"

"He did not" answered the waiter through gritted teeth, peeved that these people assumed he cared for their boorish antics. "Antonio will show you to your table." He signaled for another waiter in a black waistcoat to come over. Antonio gave the two a warm smile and led them across the crowded restaurant to a secluded table in the corner. Several pastel candles blanketed the surrounding area in a vague shimmer, while the small bouquet of lilies on the table commanded the atmosphere into an idyllic serenity that the fellow diners were not privilege to. Carlos took a moment to lose himself in the magnificence of it all before coming to his senses and chivalrously pulling the nearest chair out for Camille to sit on. The drama queen gave him a grateful smirk, taking her place with all the ethereal grace she could muster. Once the Latino was satisfied that of her comfort he sauntered over to the middle chair in the table, leaving the last one open for James. "Your starters will be served shortly" said Antonio amiably. A hand from a nearby table shot up, prompting him to rush over to their assistance. Camille stared blankly in his wake. "But we didn't order any starters."

"Yeah, I probably should have warned you" said the Latino sheepishly, recoiling slightly as the drama queen turned to face him. "James preordered everything."

"Everything?"

"Yup. Paid upfront too. He said he wanted everything to go off without a hitch." Camille's dark eyes sparkled in rage. "How the hell is looking at menu going to cause a calamity?"

"I don't know, maybe he thinks that your choice of pasta means that you're more sexually dominant than he is." It took a few seconds, but he recognized the distaste in his comment. Opening his mouth to apologize, he noticed that it had the opposite effect. The drama queen's expression relaxed into a welcoming laughter to which he smiled weakly. "I should probably call-"

"Don't you dare complete that sentence." Camille's hand reached out and wrapped its dainty fingers along the coffee skin of the Latino's wrist. Carlos's eyes dodged back and forth between their contact and the determined look on her face. "But-"

"If he's late, he's late. Besides, I'll have that much more time without him." Her fingers let go of their prey, lingering slightly on his skin before withdrawing completely. "Why do you hate him so much?" asked the Latino softly, finding himself lost once again in the siren's divine call. The romantic ambience did not help to deter the burgeoning attraction he felt. He watched in a numbing haze as Camille sighed. "I don't hate him. I really don't." She flexed her fingers thoughtfully. "It's just that… I need someone with a little more substance, you know? Someone who isn't-"

"Such a narcissistic dumbass?" offered the Latino in mock help. The drama queen gave an impressed smile. "Something like that, yeah."

"Your starters" said Antonio slickly, startling both of them nearly out of their chairs. They grinned awkwardly at their astonishment and took a mental note of the rose-colored hue across both their faces. The waiter laid down two small plates of tantalizing flatbread in front of them. "Garlic and rosemary foccacia" he smiled. "Please enjoy." Turning promptly on his heel, he left the two diners alone to stare at their plates. Carlos's mouth watered at the sight, but as he reached for his fork and knife, he noticed a disgruntled wrinkle worm across Camille's nose. "Something wrong?" he asked lightly, keeping the silver utensils frozen in midair. The drama queen nodded. "I can't eat garlic."

"Allergies?"

"No, not really. But my stomach tends to go haywire whenever I do eat it." The Latino gave thought to her words for a moment, and promptly dropped the knife and fork on either side of his plate. Camille gave him a confused look. "Aren't you going to eat?"  
>"How can I if you can't?" The drama queen shook her head. "That's really thoughtful, but you don't have to. Go on, eat up. I don't mind."<p>

"But I do." He lifted his hand and signaled for Antonio to come over, turning back to look at his companion for the night. The glaze in her eyes sent his heart pulsing against his chest in an excited tattoo. "That's really sweet" she said quietly. The Latino laughed. "My dad keeps saying that it's important to be polite to everyone, especially women. After all, a woman knows the best way to a man's heart."

"She sure does" thought the drama queen, grinning impishly at Carlos. The absence of James and the company of a near-perfect prince: the evening just took a considerable upturn.

"Is something wrong?" asked Antonio upon his timely arrival. His eyes swept the table completely, taking notice of the untouched foccacia. "Yeah" said Carlos apologetically. "Is there any chance we could skip the starters and move to the main course?"

"Of course." With incredibly deft hands, he reached out and swiped away the offending bread. "Wait, what's the main course?" The drama queen's voice dripped in concern. "Grilled shrimp on a bed of linguine" answered Antonio with that ever-present smile spreading across his face. "It comes with a lemon and garlic sauce." Camille turned her head slowly back to Carlos, clearly astounded at the heavy presence of garlic in the menu. It may not have been his fault, but James Diamond just fell several rungs in her ranking of the world. "What the hell is wrong with your friend?" she hissed at the Latino. "Does he think he's freaking vampire slayer or what?" Carlos gripped the underside of his chair, fearing he may fall out of it at any moment. Camille Roberts was definitely not to be trifled with, he had learnt that the hard way tonight, and thought James might get the same lesson tomorrow. "You know what, you can just go ahead and bring us dessert" he said to the waiter faintly. "And go easy on the garlic."

-xoxoxoxoxo-

Exactly one hour later, the Latino found himself escorting the drama queen back to her front door. The night had been nothing short of Hurricane Katrina in terms of the food or lack thereof, but the company had sent him flying to the moon and back. Pangs of uncontrollable giddiness kept bubbling effervescently in his stomach and gave him a levity he had never known before. Tonight hadn't been so much of an eye-opener as it was of a guiding light shining opulently above him. Any thought of James had been thoroughly banished from his head by the magic of the enthralling enchantress standing before him. He had been right before – this girl was the complete package. Every moment with her would be nothing short of the most exuberating love affair he'd ever embarked upon.

"I had a really great time tonight" she said smilingly laying her hand on the door. She looked upwards thoughtfully. "Despite only having tiramisu for supper."

"I'm really sorry about that. Are you sure you don't want to go somewhere for a bite to eat?" He took a hasty glance at his watch. "It's not too late."

"I'm good, but thanks for the offer." She stared at him deeply, entranced by the soft movement of the limpid eyes gazing back. In that one moment, both of them felt the evening's allure reach its peak and possess them, forcing them to lose every inhibition they had. Drawn together by some unseen force, their bodies fitted together as if they'd done this before, but it wasn't as perfectly glorious as their collision of their lips. Gliding satin tongues tenderly embraced each other tenderly, never wanting to let go. For them, desire had but one goal: to immerse entirely in the person they were holding right now.

After a passionate eternity, Camille reluctantly pulled her head back, her face glowing red in the hazy Los Angeles night. She slowly let go of the Latino's shirt and rubbed a finger against the sweet satin of her lips. "Well uh… I should…"

"Yeah" said Carlos breathlessly, coming down from his ecstatic nirvana. He threw the drama queen a bashful smile. "Uh… well, good night then." He turned around and slowly strode away, feeling like he was floating in the gentle breeze caressing its way through the night. "Carlos?" He turned once more at the call of his name to see Camille half hidden by the front door and smiling. "Your ass isn't that bad" she smirked, immediately closing the door in her wake. The Latino simply shook his head. As if he wasn't on a high already…

It wasn't until he reached home that Carlos noticed the glistening silver strand on the passenger foot mat of his car. Tenderly picking it up, he smiled as he twirled the charm bracelet in his fingers, the gentle knock of its ornaments creating a wonderful symphony for his ears. It shone brightly in the combination of streetlights and moonbeams, promising future days of untold bliss just waiting to be discovered, singing of elevations to come. All he had to do was reach out and she would be waiting. He was sure of it.

**Hey people, hope you all liked the Carmille action! Please hit the review button, else I'll become one of the crazy people! NOOOO! Haha, but please let me know what you thought. More Kogan drama for next chapter. Till next time! **

**PS: Not that they'd read it, but this chapter is dedicated to the boys of Big Time Rush. The new album sounds AMAZING! Go check it out, really **_**Elevate**_** is on another level. RUSHERS RUSHERS RUSHERS **


	19. Chapter 19

**Chapter 19: One Last Goodbye**

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Big Time Rush or any characters… yet (insert evil laugh here) ;)

**Author's Note:** Thank you to everyone who reviewed the last chapter and added it to their alerts! Glad to see the Carmille pairing got such a good response – I'm quite fond of the two. Here's chapter 19, let's make some noise! You guys know what to do after reading: **leave a review**, go watch _Big Time Rush_ and trick yourself into believing that one of them will marry you. A friend of mine tried it, she nearly went nuts stalking Kendall on Twitter – serious!

'Where you used to be, there is a hole in the world which I find myself constantly walking around in the daytime, and falling into at night. I miss you like hell.'

Edna St. Vincent Millay

Camille Roberts strode off to her locker with worried purpose clicking in her every step. Ignoring the gleeful talk her ears caught of tomorrow's prom, her eyes darted from side to side of every corridor she powered through, searching for Logan. Ever since Monday, the bookworm had seemingly elevated himself to being an extremely exclusive commodity, and it was starting to wreak a chaotic irritation in her mind. The drama queen had faithfully waited at his locker ever since Tuesday morning, hoping that he would walk in with that cute nervous charm of his, but he never came. She considered perpetuating the ritual into today's schedule, but the dejected spark of her intuition told her that it was futile to try. Logan Mitchell was simply resolute in his apparent determination to skip school, something she found extremely worrying. She could understand one day, maybe two, but almost a whole week? Alarm bells started tolling vociferously in her mind. The brunette wasn't the type to skip school – he was too much of a saint to try. "Damn it, why didn't I take down his number or something?" she reflected in a possessive consternation. She looked down at her hands to see five dainty fingers from her left hand wring themselves around her right wrist. "And I've lost my charm bracelet! This fucking blows!" she cursed mentally. A dark scowl clouded her features, chasing away a few of the foolish students in her path. A lost treasure and a lost friend: all that was needed was for James Diamond to somehow worm his way into the mix and Camille thought she today would have been a perfect hell all of her own.

Slamming the locker door open, the drama queen furiously searched around the dark confines for her copy of _Macbeth_. Her mind buzzed in a energetic fury, every synapse of hers opening and crackling in an enigmatic rage. The anger robbed her of her powers of attention, so much so that she didn't recognize the playful voice that came from behind her. "Lose something?" She mouth thinned out into a quivering line. Like today wasn't bad enough, a complete stranger had picked this unfortunate moment to play the Good Samaritan. "Don't even fucking try because I will slice your head open" she muttered through gritted teeth. She twirled around and gave the owner of the voice the blackest expression she could muster; immediately replacing it with a blank, confused one upon recognizing who it was. "Carlos" she trilled bewilderedly, lowering her raging balls of fists. The Latino laughed. "Expecting someone else?"

"No… yes. Wait, James isn't around here, is he?" She stood on her toes to look past the Latino, scouring for any sign of his caveman of a best friend. "No, you're safe Camille" he smiled. "For the time being at least." He stuffed a hand into his pocket and grinned at the confused drama queen. "So back to my question" he said, taking a step closer towards her. A magnificent gleam perfumed the warmth in his eyes. "Did you lose anything?" Camille inhaled deeply, calming herself from the inner inferno. "You mean apart from my sanity?"

"I was actually thinking along the lines of… this" he exclaimed excitedly, pulling out a gleaming silver strand from his pocket. Camille's eyes grew as the charms on the bracelet chimed harmoniously together, temporarily pulling her mind out of its solemn mood. "My bracelet" she whispered in awe, reaching out to touch the minute ornaments. Her face split into a relieved beam. "How did you find it?"

"It must have slipped off in my car" he said, bringing the chain closer towards her reach. An excited pang exploded in his stomach as he watched Camille's smile twist around her lips. She was so ethereal in her happiness, truly a Venus amongst mortals. Yesterday had made that clear in her mind. "Thank you so – HEY!" She frowned as the Latino hastily pulled the bracelet away from her grip. "What are you doing?"

"I think I need a reward, don't you?"

"If you're looking for kicks, go get a hooker" she huffed impatiently glaring at Carlos impatiently. "I'll give you this back," smiled the Latino sweetly, "if you'll be my date for the prom tomorrow." Camille stared vacantly into his eyes, feeling her heartbeat swell gloriously at his request. She didn't need anymore time, the answer was already obvious. Caution was meant for the winds; passion was for now, at least that's how he made her feel. "What do you say?" said Carlos, bringing her back to reality. His eyes searched her own, imploring her with their limpid cocoa rings to say yes. The drama queen nodded, scarlet flooding her cheeks. "Yes." She opened her palm expectantly, relishing in the metallic caress of her treasure a moment later. "So, it's a date?" asked Carlos, fearing he might levitate in his jubilation. "I suppose it is" murmured Camille thoughtfully, never leaving his eyes for a second. A heavy thought flashed in her mind. "What about James?"

"You leave him to me. I'll see you later." The drama queen watched him walk away smilingly, noticing a distinct flourish in his step. He was halfway across the passage when he came paused for a few seconds, and turned around with a bashful look across his face, complemented by the pink streaks in his cheeks. "Uh, should we kiss?" Camille smirked gracefully at him. "Why don't we save that for tomorrow?"

"Yeah, that's what I thought too." He turned once more and made his way across the passage and around the corner. "That boy" sighed the drama queen blissfully. "Now if only Logan was here, this day might not be so bad."

"Camille?" The brunette beauty frowned at the soft call of her name. Whatever it was about this morning that made people want to come up and talk to her, she hoped it ended soon. Turning around, she was startlingly robbed of her breath at the sight of Kendall Knight's emerald gaze boring itself into her own dark pair. The devastation expressed on his face could not be fathomed by any human logic – it was almost tangible, sneaking around him like a malignant aura. Light gray patches highlighted his lack of sleep, while an errant scar on his lip told tales of infinite culpability. Somehow, he had become less of himself, lacking the usual swagger he wore so elegantly. Something, or someone, had stolen the lustrous zest for life he once held and he had given it up without a fight. Like a wounded warrior, his scars were visible for all to see, proudly declaring that their owner no longer saw the wonderful shades of happiness. "You look awful" said Camille softly. She ran her eyes up and down his figure worriedly, cogently ignoring the weak smile he gave her. "I've been better" he whispered hoarsely, and ran a casual hand through his golden locks to appease her. He noticed the troubled look on her face. "Stop looking at me like I'm about to break."

"Well, are you?" The hockey captain pondered on her question. The worst thing about having to live through this torment was waking up everyday only for it to start afresh. Never in all eternity would he have thought that such pain existed. "Depends on a lot of things" he said eventually. "But I guess I only have myself to blame."

"Kendall, what happened?" The blonde felt his eyes sting. Even now, it was still so hard to recall. He could still feel the bookworm's hands wrap themselves lovingly around him, while his voice sent him to hell and back. "Logan and I ended things." The drama queen's eyes rounded into perfect spheres. "Oh God. Is that why he hasn't been at school?"

"I wish I knew" sighed the blonde wistfully. "You haven't seen him?"

"Not since Monday, no" said the drama queen, shaking her head. Bringing her hand close to her chest, she looked down at the floor, hoping that the bookworm would magically sprout out of it. "What – I mean, how are you holding up?"

"Not at all" said the blonde simply. He gave a shaky laugh that was as empty as he was. Camille raised her head at the uncertain chuckle, seeing right through the pretense. "Does it hurt that bad?" Kendall's smile lessened to a mere curve of his lips. "Worse than you could ever imagine Camille."

-xoxoxoxoxo-

"You're not eating." Kendall came out of his vague entrancement and turned his empty eyes onto Jo. She recoiled slightly at the broken mask spreading across his face. "Neither are you" he said quietly, pointing to the uneaten cucumber sandwich in her hand and instantly resumed blocking out the drone of cafeteria around him. Jo watched his every move carefully, trying to sense something beyond the wreckage that sat next to her. She had been hoping for a sign that the Kendall Knight she had fallen in love with was still there, that maybe Logan's absence could bring him back. To put it simply, she was confused as to what to feel. Would it be bad of her to take such twisted pleasure at the end of the affair? Somehow, it wasn't the infidelity that bothered her. It was more of the fact that there was an uncertain cloud hanging over her relationship with the hockey captain. She wanted him to know that she was hurting too. She didn't want to play the victim – she hated feeling so helpless. The stagnation that her life currently hit was becoming too much to bear, but she feared that things may never go back to normal. As much as she wished she could pretend, the energy required to overlook Logan and what he had done to her was more than she could afford.

"You can't go on like this" she said quietly. The hockey captain nodded, averting his eyes to anywhere but hers. "I don't know how else to be" he replied flatly. A small resentment flickered inside him. Right now, he would paint the heavens black with his sorrow if it meant he could have Logan back. The bookworm had taken much more than his love when he broke the affair off, he had stolen his essence. The last thing he needed was any more guilt; he already tore himself to pieces every night. "Do I even matter to you?" asked Jo, feeling her heart racing incredulously. Kendall let out a soft exhalation. "I can't answer that."

"Because you don't love me?"

"Because I don't know how I feel." He turned his head around to face Jo, seeing his own destruction mirror itself in her eyes. It was hard to remind himself that she was caught up in all of this. He felt horrendous at not appeasing her pain, but he had to focus on himself first. Eating and sleeping were starting to become increasingly foreign – Logan had certainly cleared him out of all functions. Jo felt the familiar tears of her agony prickle against her eyes. "Tell me what I can do to make you forget about him Kendall." She dropped her head against his shoulder, feeling her breath clog up in her lungs. "If I ever lost you-"

"Don't. Just please, don't." The hockey captain turned his head away once more, feeling Jo's weight drag him down that much further in his melancholy. "I can't figure this out right now Jo, but I can't forget him."

"And what about us? You're going to throw away everything we have just for HIM?" Kendall let out a cold chuckle. "You say that like he isn't human."

"You know, if this ever got out, all three of us would be done for. People expect us to be together."

"Fuck what people expect."

-xoxoxoxoxo-

Logan switched the TV on to see the afternoon business flash the highlights of the day, letting out a wistful breath. Palm Wood High would have let out for the day already. "He's probably going home right now" he thought dejectedly. "Or at practice. Or with Jo. Or at home." He pinched himself to stop the ramblings. He had vowed to stop thinking about Kendall, but it wouldn't have been the first promise to himself that had been broken. The time off had given him food for thought: it was a heavy task ahead to piece his life back together, but he had stop defining his life in terms of others. The sudden acceptance he gained from his father was a comfort, but it didn't keep the hollowness at bay. The hockey captain kept making random entrances in his mind, striking bolts of ache in his chest. There was still a significant doubt as to whether he had done the right thing. He couldn't stand to see Jo's life being ripped apart so he shattered his own instead. If everything went according to plan, Kendall would move on with his life and slowly forget about him. He didn't mind being stuck in memories of the past. Now that he knew they were real, he would call upon their shadows to comfort him and let their intangible embrace replace that of the one he would always love. "They deserve a happy ever after" he thought sadly. "I'll just… try and be happy for him."

A knock on the door brought him out of his depressed reverie. Rolling his eyes, the bookworm switched off the TV and lifted himself off the couch. A few seconds of reluctant trudging later found him standing at the door, hoping that whoever was on the other side of the door was at the wrong house. The outside world was still too harsh, and he was still too vulnerable to gather the strength to face it. With a small click, he swung the door open to reveal Kendall standing at the door. His face was completely unreadable, moving in small twitches. Heaving breaths exited the parted bee-stung lips, flushing themselves in a warm cloud. Logan dropped his eyes to the floor, feeling the pain in his chest burst into its mortifying existence once more. "You're not supposed to be here" he murmured. The hockey captain stormed into the house and shut the door behind him with a potent knock of his hand. Grabbing two handfuls of the brunette's shirt, he swung him around and pushed him against the door. His hands travelled southwards, resting protectively against the bookworm's hips. This was how it was meant to be, this was what was right. Within a second, he closed the distance between their lips and planted his mouth against the brunette's, savoring the sweet taste that came with it. He felt himself melt away into the kiss, pleading Logan to feel what he felt, imploring him to listen to tearing song of his heart. The silken lips rubbing against his own glaringly reminded him of the empty piece missing inside of him. He couldn't bare this, not without him. Tearing away from his love's lips reluctantly, he gulped a mouthful of air and looked into the soulful chocolate affection gazing back at him. "I tried Mitchell" he whispered hoarsely. "I really did. I tried to forget that you ever existed in my life but… I can't." Logan blinked slowly, tilting his head. "Kendall, I-"

"I need you Logan. Please, please be with me." Logan turned his head away. "We can't."

"Is it Jo? I'll leave her, I swear I will. Just please." The emerald of his eyes shimmered incandescently as they desperately sought out the swelling cocoa pair. "Please come back" he whispered, his voice breaking pleadingly across the brunette's ears. He slowly turned his head and looked directly in the blonde's eyes, shooting millions of broken arrows right into them. How they were both still alive in all of this was a mystery, but it was his job to ensure that no one else got hurt. "You'll regret it" he said softly. "I'm not going to let you throw away your life because of me."

"What life?" exclaimed Kendall, widening his eyes disbelievingly. He pulled the bookworm closer to his body, relishing the feel of him as he did. Their hearts were unified by synchronous beats echoing in the empty plains of the Mitchell household. They both wanted this, every instinct told him. "I love you" murmured the blonde. His voice had transformed into the auditory version of the finest silk, falling in sensual sheets across the bookworm's ears. "In this whole fucked up mess we're in, you're the only thing I want. Everyday I have to remind myself to breathe because you're not there." He lowered his head to gently press his mouth against his love's ear. "Look at what you've done to me Mitchell" he whispered, feeling Logan shudder at his words. "See how you've destroyed me?"

The brunette sent out a mental curse to the twists of fate. This always happened: whenever he had resolved to forget about Kendall Knight, something always happened to bring him back to square one, and the sad thing was it was fast becoming a habit of theirs. "You think I don't feely the same way?" he whispered gently. He pulled back to see the blank green eyes stare at him in their voids. "I love you too Kendall, but think about what you're doing."

"So that's it then? We're just supposed to forget that there was ever something between us?"

"I'll never forget" replied Logan softly. "But you have to." The hockey captain drew out a long breath. "You don't get to do this. You don't get-"

"Damn it Kendall, do you think I want to?" cried Logan forcefully. Kendall blinked back in shock, hardly believing the fire burning across those mahogany circles. "Logan, I-"

"We can't anymore, alright? There's an entire world out there just waiting to tear us apart because they think it's wrong, that we're wrong! Have you even thought about what would happen to you? Because I have, every single second ever since we were together." He brought his head closer to the hockey captain's. "I would rather die than see you fall like that. I love you too much to just let you break apart everything you've worked so hard for. Just please, forget I ever existed. I'm begging you." Kendall arched his brow questioningly. "How am I ever supposed to forget the person who showed me what love really meant?" Logan dropped his head. "Try. For both our sakes."

"Give me one last time with you." The brunette looked up. "What?"

"Make love to me one last time and I'll leave your life forever. I promise." The bookworm tilted his head. "You don't know what you're asking."

"I know exactly what I'm asking" replied the hockey captain, teasingly rubbing his thumbs across the brunette's hips. If Logan couldn't be his, if they could never be together, then he needed something to remember him. It wasn't about the sex – they were too beyond that. It was about joining their souls together one last time in the hope that things would change, that somehow destiny would pull them back together for them never to part again. His words about forgetting were such tender lies: Logan Mitchell was too firmly embedded in him to ever forget. His heart held on to him tightly like the only rope he had to this life. "Please?"

"Yes." That's all he needed to hear. Now the true goodbye would begin, storming his heart into billions of throbbing pieces. Whether he was prepared for it or not didn't matter to him, all he wanted was for the pain to end. And if this was the only way… so be it.

**Hey people, hoped you all liked this chapter. Now guide you mouse/clicker/pointy thingy and click on the button that says 'review' and leave a review. Also, if you're suffering from BTRWS (Big Time Rush Withdrawal Syndrome – such a sad disease that's destroyed millions of lives ) check out my other story called 'Always' because I'll be working on that too, just for you guys! Till next time!**


	20. Chapter 20

**Chapter 20: Masks, Part I**

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Big Time Rush or any of the characters… maybe that's why they won't reply to my Tweets…

**Author's Note:** Yes, faithful readers – I am alive! My sincerest apologies, but work… yeah, that's enough said. Anyway, a huge thank you to everyone who read, reviewed and alerted the last chapter. Wow, I can't believe I made it to twenty chapters! Don't worry, there's still a lot more to come. So please sit back, relax, switch off your phones and chats and please enjoy this one

'I hope you understand my foolish love for you made me always wish to stay longer, just a little longer at your side. But now, I do not regret the time that I was able to spend with you has ended, even though it lasted only a short while. Because even in this age of winter, the time I spent with you was not a lie.'

Akizuki Keiichirou from _Winter Cicada_

Within the safe confines of the brunette's room, the lovers lay against each other, softly undisturbed by the vicissitudes from the world outside. Their limbs entangled together, trying to hold on to the other for eternity and beyond. Moistened skin, sweeter than the gentlest lull of breath, tenderly rubbed off, but the ecstasy was so much more than physical – by now, it had outgrown the childish lust that had given birth to it. Where hands roamed, it felt like their souls connected and braced themselves for the last goodbye. Time and time again, this had come in various avatars, but now reality demanded the actual deed. This time, they would part ways forever: the hockey captain to the loneliness of his social pinnacle and the bookworm to the anonymity he was so accustomed to. Neither one of them expected it to be easy after this, but were still stunned by the sheer difficulty to tear themselves away from the love that had been nurtured between them, let alone go back to their lives. In one last act of kindness, Time had frozen herself and made a melancholic infinity for the epic parting, but the words seemingly evaded them. So much was still left unspoken, so many 'I love you's' still waiting to be uttered; but that didn't matter for now. Their hearts simultaneously condensed their undisclosed desires and flaunted them through gentle touches and tender sighs. This one moment would have immortality in their minds, and define their lives by a perpetual sadness. Goodbye seemed too much of a euphemism for this.

Kendall closed his eyes, relishing the feel of Logan's ebony spikes against his face. This was what he would miss the most: not the blissful joining of bodies, but the moment in the afterglow where he was always assured of the unwavering devotion from the man laying against his body. Of its own will, his handed delicately placed itself on the bookworm's chest, feeling the soft heave of his chest synch up with his own clouds of breath. He moved forward slightly to kiss the milky nape of his lover's neck , tasting what must have been love's nirvana. He felt Logan shudder in his protective hold and pulled him closer until they were right up against one another. This was too painful for it be real – were they really meant to end it like this after all they went through? "Isn't there anything I can say for you to change your mind?" whispered the blonde into the bookworm's ears. Logan shut his eyes in anticipation of their miserable sting, but the tears never came. He was too hurt to cry now. "There's a million things you could say right now that would change everything" he murmured hoarsely. Lifting the hand off from his chest he turned around to face the searching green irises that had become a part of him. "You could even offer to put me in a mental institution and I'd say I wanted us to be together forever." The hockey captain gave him a small grin. "But we have to be strong." The blonde felt the brunette's hand swath across the miniscule distance between them and line his face. Turning around, he planted a kiss into its waiting palm before returning his attention to its owner. He was completely torn at the chocolate sea of affection gazing at him right down to his very soul. Why were they ending this when it was so right?

"Is this what you want Logan?" asked the hockey captain softly. The bookworm let out a long exhalation, feeling the weariness of several lifetimes melt his body. "It's not a case of what I want. It's what we need to do."

"Because people are getting hurt?" The brunette nodded. Kendall blinked slowly at the silent response. "People are always going to get hurt you know. That's the way its been, that's how the world works."

"There's a difference this time. I know it." He turned his line of sight sharply onto the blonde's persuasive irises. "Did you know that I told my parents I'm gay?" Kendall's eyes widened. "You… you told them?"  
>"Yeah. And ever since then, I feel like my family's been tearing apart because of me." Logan averted his eyes to his love's bare torso, unable to hold those emerald shards for a second longer. "If we go on like this, we're next. And I'll be damned if I see anything like that happen to you."<p>

"You're killing me already by doing this." Logan smiled sadly. "Rather me than anything else."

-xoxoxoxoxo-

Half an hour later, the blonde and the bookworm stood in each others' arms at the entrance to the Mitchell house. Their embrace could have been seen by all and sundry, but they didn't care. This was the last time they would ever feel anything, the final passing into a crushing devastation. "I love you so much" whispered Kendall into the bookworm's ear. Logan buried himself deeper into the crook of the blonde's neck. "I love you too." He pulled away to look into the hockey captain's eyes, feeling himself fall into the emerald chasm. He hated himself for doing this, for not being more selfish, but it had to be done. "Promise me that you'll forget me and move on with Jo" he said. His voice morphed into a throaty plea, echoing with the full extent of his pain. Kendall shook his head with a dejected smile. "Ask me anything but that."

"Kendall… please?" The blonde's expression flitted briefly with impishness before falling back into its begging neutrality. "It won't be the same. Every time I'm with her I'll be thinking of you." Logan's hands fell to the blonde's waist, carving heartbreaking messages onto his hips. "Try at least." He dropped his head. "You'd better go." With a reluctant sigh, Kendall relinquished his hold onto his love and felt the emptiness swoop inside his body. Every pore in his being screamed for him to stop this senseless pain, but he couldn't. He didn't know how to disobey Logan – he was too lost in the magic that was the brunette. All he was capable of doing was walking over to his Mercedes and fight the urge to run back into the bookworm's arms. "You'll be inside of me forever" he thought despondently. "I won't forget you. I can't."

Five full minutes of sorrow passed as the bookworm watched the silver vehicle roar to life and gradually back out of his driveway. He couldn't tell whether Kendall was doing it on purpose, but the hockey captain steadily kept his eyes on the rear-view mirror the whole time he reversed onto the road. Logan instinctively knew why – it was for the same reason he implored his legs not to betray him and go sprinting after the car. All it would take was one moment of weakness and they'd be right back where they were – happy in their own little world, unable to face the destruction around them. The time was right to let him go. He had enough memories to last through until the end of his life. It was uncanny how clearly he could see himself as an aged man on his deathbed, containing all the wisdom the world had to offer but choosing to live in his blissful recollections. Kendall Knight had become too embedded in his essence for him to ever erase the smiles and kisses they shared, let alone the sinfully pleasurable hours they spent adoring each others' bodies. Secretly, albeit with a fair share of guilt, he hoped the hockey captain felt the same. "Forgive me Kendall" he whispered as he watched the Mercedes position itself correctly on the road. For a split second, it seemed as though the car paused for a moment, uncertain where to go from here. A shaky inhalation made sure that the brunette froze where he stood, rendering him unable to fling himself across the road in blatant desperation. As brief as that pause was, Time unwound herself and sent the blonde on his way into a grey oblivion where nothing was certain anymore. She was more kind to the bookworm, permitting him to stay frozen in his own hell and watch the car fade into the distance. "This just wasn't our time" he thought dejectedly. "Next time, we'll seize it. I swear to you."

The setting sun started to cast long shadows across the street, complimenting the hint of a bite the air made at Logan's skin. It had only been a few minutes since Kendall had made his way out of the street, yet it felt like he aged by lifetimes instead of years. Laying an unconscious hand on the door, the brunette winced as he shoved it open. The emotional storm wreaked havoc in his mind, and now his body was starting to pay the price. He knew it would only get worse as time went on. A dull pain burst itself into a spectacular existence in his chest, icily stealing his breath away. Trudging over to the sofa, he threw his body onto the waiting expanse and let his pain unanimously take over. "Please" he prayed mentally, unable to speak for fear of breaking down even further. "I did the right thing. I let him go… just please help me get through this pain. I can't stand it anymore." The silence of house resoundingly answered his plea, ironically giving him a sense of comfort. It seemed whenever he put his heart on the line; it was bound to get broken, either by circumstance or plain rejection. Isolation could numb the overwhelming rawness his injuries left him with – just himself and no one else. It was an idiotic thing to think of at this point in time, but to the brunette it made all the sense in the world. It meant the end of his suffering at the whims of his passions: no more pining over someone who wasn't really his, no more illusions, no more heartbreak… just him and the crushing reality of his loneliness. "I will never love again" he thought. "I belong only to him and him alone."

In the depths of his despair, Logan heard a faint click come from the door. Slowly rising to a kneeling position he looked over the top of his couch to see his father carefully slide into the entrance hall. Teddy gave his son a quick smile before setting across the sofa's arm. "I was supposed to come home earlier" he grinned, tilting his head at Logan's vacant face. "But I saw the car in the driveway and I figured you were uh… you were…"

"Busy?" offered Logan flatly. Teddy nodded gratefully. "For lack of a better term, yes."

"You should have come anyways. It wouldn't have mattered much. Heck, it would have saved me a load of effort." The older Mitchell's face hastily grew into a consternated expression. "What's wrong son? Did something happen?" Logan fell silent for a moment, unable to translate his feelings into words. "I just gave up the one person in the world who made me happy" he said quietly. "And I feel like I'm falling to pieces." Teddy bit his lip as he walked over to his son. He placed a gentle hand on the bookworm's head and ruffled the black forest into an untidy nest. "I'm so sorry Logan."

"Don't be. We were stupid to think we could last. I was stupid." The brunette looked up into his father's eyes and suffocated him with their brokenness. "I really believed that we could be together, in spite of everything."

"You can't think like that."

"Can't I? Ever since I've known him, it's been one struggle after another." Teddy pursed his lips together thoughtfully. If this were a financial situation, his accounting skills would have ran circles to find a solution, but all his logic failed in the face of such powerful emotion. Still, he had to try. His son was hurting, and it was his job to try and make it better. "You'll get through this" he said gently. "I know it seems like the end of the world now, but it will pass. Nothing lasts forever, not even pain."

"Yeah, well I'm not holding my breath" whispered Logan bitterly. With a soft sniffle, he looked around his father. "Where's Mom?" His question instantly darkened his father's expression. "She's not coming" he said shakily. The bookworm frowned. "You didn't pick her up from work?"

"No, she told me not to come." Logan pulled his head back. Even through what he was feeling, he could recognize the signs of uneasiness manifesting in Teddy after having seen them so many times in himself – they never boded well. "Dad, what's going on?" he asked fearfully. He watched in horror as his father dropped his eyes to the floor. His voice was absolutely quiet, almost as if it were touched by Death. "Your mother and I are getting a divorce."

-xoxoxoxoxo-

"This isn't happening, this isn't happening" mumbled James. Camille tapped her foot impatiently, looking expectantly at Carlos. She should have been making up her mind about what to wear at the prom tonight, not sitting here watching James Diamond slip into a hasty denial. She reached out and tugged at the Latino's shirt. "I thought you said you were going to handle him!" she hissed. Carlos flinched at her venomous whisper. "Well, I kind of did" he murmured apologetically, pointing towards his friend who had now collapsed to the floor in a series of inaudible moans. "At least he knows now."

"How could you do this man? My car breaks down and you go and steal the reason I live?" screamed James. His face contorted into an unreadable mask. "We're like best friends who are related!"

"You mean brothers?" said Camille with a sardonic roll of her eyes. James leapt to his feet and placed himself firmly in front of her. "And you," he muttered thickly, "how could you betray me like this?"

"It's really very simple honey" smiled the drama queen sweetly. "I like guys who AREN'T self-centered airheads."

"I could have been that!"

"Not in this lifetime I don't think."

"Look, the situation is all very tense" said Carlos slowly, trying to diffuse the atmosphere. Ideally, James would have calmly accepted that his best friend and 'true love' were now an item, but sadly it had all happened the opposite way. The reaction was less of serene acceptance and more of a leonine rage. "We should all take a breath and-"

"My lungs work fine, thanks _babe_" said Camille, her eyes never leaving the hysterical hockey player. She took a sadistic satisfaction in how deeply wounded he was at the emphasis on the last word of her sentence. She decided to go all out. "I'll see you later" she said to the Latino, and pecked her lips onto his mocha skin. Carlos felt a heated blush break out across his face, turning his head a violent shade of red as he watched James look back in horror. The drama queen gave the dumbstruck pair a curt wave and strode off into the corridor with a confident air about her. James took a step closer to the Latino and glared furiously into his eyes. "You're dead to me" he growled through gritted teeth. "You're deader than dead to me. You're like the undead kind of dead!"

"You mean alive?"

"Whatever!"

-xoxoxoxoxo-

"You're quiet" said Jo hesitantly. Kendall gave her a silent stare, but she was used to it by now. Her boyfriend's transformation from carefree to moody had been startling at first but it grew to be like second nature to her now. It was just the fact that he wouldn't even talk about their relationship with her that tensed her up. It seemed like a lifetime ago where they had both promised their eternities to each other, vowing never to part. She had spent her nights wondering where those nights had disappeared to, and what had happened to the man she loved.

"I'm not in the mood to talk" said Kendall gruffly. He stared around the bustle of the cafeteria and scoffed. How dare the rest of the world move on as if nothing happened? Were they so blind to the pain that was killing him? "Kendall, I love you" said Jo softly. Her eyes lingered on him for a moment, hoping in vain to evoke some response. "We have to talk about where this is going?"

"You want to know where this is going?" asked Kendall icily. He turned his head forcefully to face her. "I'll tell you – hell. That's our destination Jo."

"Ken-"

"And let me get something straight here. WE don't have to do anything, because I can't keep living this lie anymore. The only reason I'm here is because Logan wanted me to." The mention of the brunette's name tore through him like a dagger. "There's an empty hole where my heart used to be, and it can't be filled by you. Not anymore."

**Hey guys, hope you liked this chapter Please tell me what you thought in a review, it really does help me a lot. Also, don't forget to keep you eyes peeled out for updates in my other BTR story **_**Always**_**. Man, I sound like a commercial! But who cares, right? You can't ever have too much Kogan! Till next time!**


	21. Chapter 21

**Chapter 21: Masks, Part II**

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Big Time Rush or any of the characters… what else is new?

**Author's Note:** Hey guys, I hope you all are having a good start to 2012. A strange thought occurred to me: what if the world really does end and I never see the guys in real life? I would be a pretty unhappy ghost then… Anyways, here's chapter 21, hope you enjoy it. Please leave a review and tell me what you thought

'If I do let someone, I don't ever let them go; especially not the person I fell for. Even if you want to back out now, it's too late.'

Ranmaru from _Ikoku Irokoi Romantan _

Marlene Mitchell let out a weary sigh as she switched on the TV. Personally, she was particularly liked the thought of staying in a hotel – no matter how luxuriously decadent the trimmings were, they could never fully conceal the sense of being imprisoned in a matchbox. There was nothing in here that could even think of holding a candle to the infinite confines of the palace she had once called home. Here, the ridiculously opulent vehicles were conspicuous by their absence. Only a small flower garden stood guard outside the premises, unworthy of even being compared to the rolling green lawn that proudly sat underneath the Mitchell household. "Who the hell am I kidding?" she contemplated sadly, watching the six o' clock news bulletin flash its headlines before her vacant eyes. "I would give it all just to go back to the way things were before all this crap happened." Another sigh punctuated the stilled air with a melancholic chime. No, her world had reversed itself in mere moments, with simple words that she didn't fully comprehend. Whenever a serene peace would lull her head into calmness, Logan's admission would puncture it with their searing truth, forcing her to give into reality. She simply did not know where to go from here.

"I love my son" she murmured, bewildered at who she was trying to convince or even why she was uttering the seemingly foolish statement. "I am his mother and I love him, but I…" A blazing pain cracked across her head instantly, forcing her to raise her palm to her forehead. Her pride and joy had somehow morphed into this headache. Over the past few days, Logan's sexuality had been nothing short of a complete hell for her. She wasn't angry at Logan, she could never be, but the thought of him romancing another man was too much to bear. She wanted her little boy to grow up like the upstanding gentleman she knew he was, not throw everything she had done for him back in her face and complain that she was repressing him. Even worse, Teddy had bought into all the drama. Over and over, he had tried to convince her that this didn't make one little bit of difference, that he was still their Logan. "How can he be so blind?" asked the troubled woman to the news presenter on the screen. The dapper anchorman continued obliviously with his report on the worsening economy in Europe, blind and indifferent to a mother's heartache. Standing for her principles had cost Marlene her marriage – she was absolute in the ultimatum she delivered: it was either her or accepting Logan for the person he now was. Shamelessly, Teddy had given his decision without a single echo of doubt resounding through him.

The telephone next to the bed snapped Marlene out of her thoughts with its incandescent ring. The earsplitting trill multiplied her headache tenfold as she threw a careless hand to the receiver. "Hello?"

"Mrs. Mitchell?" The voice on the other end came out as a monotonous drone. Clearly, the receptionist at the Roquefort Hotel was meant for better things than answer to the call of its guests. "Yes Kelly, what is it?" asked Marlene wearily. A loud popping sound burst through the receiver – Kelly was an avid bubblegum lover. "There's a man here, dark brown hair and eyes. He says his name is Logan and that he's your son. Quite a looker for someone so young, is a gigolo or something?" Marlene's eyes narrowed dangerously. "No Kelly, he really is my son" she said softly, feeling her heart viciously contort itself in her chest. "Tell him to wait in the lobby."

"Whatever floats your boat bitch. Fine ass like that, he has to be a gigolo."

Usually, the walk down from the third floor of the hotel took less than ten minutes, two if going by elevator. Eternity after eternity passed with each step Marlene took. Sparks flew around in her brain, pulling her mind in every direction possible. Air evaded her, stalling her down to short blasts of breath. It seemed that God really did enjoy torturing her. Of all people, Logan was the last person she wanted to see. For someone so calculated and composed as she was, her powers failed her at this time. She couldn't react to someone who had been the brunt of her wrath. Her eyes averted themselves to the wooden staircase beneath her, watching her feet reluctantly carry her to her son. "Why are you here now?" she thought desperately, reaching the ground floor and feeling her head spin into a chaotic orbit. "Haven't you murdered me enough?" Her eyes scanned the hushed lobby for a moment before finally laying eyes on Logan. The chocolate eyes that stared back at her had changed since the last time they locked her within their hypnotic clutch. From her distance, she saw that something changed within them: they came in peace, not aggravation. Silent maturity cascaded from their warm irises, twisting their mother's heart until it was a bleeding knot. "I cannot love you for what you chose to be." The words were barely an inaudible whisper, not even reaching the words of their owner. "You can't expect me to."

"Thanks for coming down" said Logan quietly, gazing at his mother as she took a seat opposite him. He could taste the hesitation radiating from her. He flinched slightly at the icy daggers that shot out from her own pair of irises, so cold unlike his own. "Just tell me why you're here" she replied curtly. The bookworm cast his eyes downward with a sad smile. "Do you really hate me that much Mom? Have I hurt you that badly?" His ears picked up on a distinct shuffling sound. "Yes, you did" was the murmured answer. He nodded and lifted his head back up to meet hers. "I'm sorry. I know I can't make you believe that, but I need you to know that I really am sorry. I was stupid and in love."

"You don't expect me to believe that you came all the way here just to tell me this." Marlene's expression softened into neutrality. She didn't know what to feel anymore. The entire situation was fast exhausting her strength – this needed to end quickly. "Tell me why you're here."

"I know you hate me, but please don't take this out on Dad. He doesn't deserve any of this."

"Your father is willing to support a lifestyle that I can't condone."

"So what if I said I wasn't willing to be that way anymore?" Logan artfully tilted his head for effect, basking in his mother's compliment. "What do you mean?" she asked with a hoarse voice. The bookworm blinked twice in response. "You and I both know you moved out because of me. You're divorcing Dad because of me, so clearly I'm the problem here. Come back home and I'll stop all of this. I'll be whoever you want me to be for the rest of my life."

"You mean-"

"It'll all be like it was before."

"And-"

"We won't ever talk about this again." The brunette's mother fidgeted her hands nervously. All back to normal… it was almost too good to be true. "What does your father say?" she asked. Logan inhaled deeply. "He thinks that I borrowed his car and went out for pizza. He doesn't know I'm here."

"Don't you think that he ought to be part of all this?"

"No. This is between you and me and that's how it's going to stay." Logan leaned forward and shot arrows straight into his mother's eyes. "I know you. You can't survive without the twisted fantasy of the perfect family you want. This is your only chance Mom. I suggest you take it."

-xoxoxoxoxo-

"And the royal couple of the 2011 Palm Woods Senior Prom is… Carlos Garcia and Camille Roberts!" Through the veiled lights of the Venetian-themed gym, the drama queen stared at her partner through her feathered mask. A triumphant grin returned the awe-filled stare she sent out. "We won?" she whispered, feeling herself draw closer to the Latino. Her ears throbbed with the applause coming from the hands of her fellow senior class. "We won babe" barely registered in her ears before her lips met his in the sweet symphony of a kiss. Her heart gave nervous thuds against her chest while soaring butterflies quivered around in her stomach. She pulled away smilingly to take in the glow of her boyfriend's face, thoroughly enchanted by the victorious glow coloring his golden-kissed skin. "This isn't happening. It doesn't feel real."

"Believe it Camille. This is our time." The drama queen felt the heat rise in her face, clashing unceremoniously with the black feathers of her mask. "Is it mad if I say that I'm falling for you?"

"I don't know. Is it mad if I say that I love you?"

Through his glazed green eyes, the hockey captain watched Camille and Carlos walk up to the main stage. Vague claps nonchalantly resounded from his hands with minimal effort. The suit he had rented stifled his body within its trappings. He could feel Jo's eyes burn right into him, excavating his soul with their desperate plea. He didn't want to be here. He wanted to be with the one person who could make everything right in the world again, who could make him see the colors of life where now he only saw indistinguishable grey. "I shouldn't have asked him to sleep with me" he reflected darkly, watching Carlos fling his crown into the air. "It just made everything worse for me. How am I supposed to move on like this?" With the utmost caution, he turned his head to the side and surreptitiously stole a glance at his partner for the night. Luckily her wistful gaze was entranced by the crowning of the prom couple. Kendall gave small, derisive snort. "Six months ago that what we would have wanted. But now, it's a miracle if we even say two words to each other."

"You're thinking about him, aren't you?" asked Jo, her eyes never moving from the drama queen and the Latino. The hockey captain frowned at the calculating tone. He had to applaud her saint-like demeanor up until now. She had never flown into thunderous rage, at least not in front of him anyways – either she was too forgiving or too unstable to handle his blatant treachery of their love. "Does it really matter Jo?"

"I suppose not." The rest of the crowd broke out into a stampede of cheers to hail their prom royalty, leaving the two of them caught in their own silence. Neither of them spoke, but there was nothing left to say: too much lay broken between them for there to be even a chance of reconciliation. They both knew that their relationship was taking its last breaths. All they were doing was facilitating its last wish. "I'm a fucking moron" thought the hockey captain morosely. "All I wanted was to be loved and now I've ended up with nothing more than pain." He blinked away the stinging start of tears misting his eyes. "God, if you can hear me… let him take me back. I'll slit my own throat if I have to, just please don't let me live with this hurt." A small tug on his arm immediately killed the mental plea ringing in his consciousness. Turning to his side, he saw the quiet desperation in her expression. Although downcast, her eyes screamed for a savior to put her out of this purgatory. "Take me home Kendall" she whispered softly, her broken voice barely audible above the rapturous crowd. "I don't want to be here anymore." With a slight nod, the hockey captain took her by the hand. A single picture of his precious bookworm unraveled itself in his head with the force of an atomic bomb. "I don't want to be here either."

-xoxoxoxoxo-

Kendall lost himself in the ricocheting silence in between him and his former lover. In the thirty minutes it had taken for him to drive Jo back home, he had come to the conclusion that he couldn't keep his promise to Logan. There was a vast chasm in between them and taking the first step meant falling into it. In the state his heart was in, he couldn't risk it. "Let people talk about us" he thought wrathfully as he accompanied his partner up to her patio. "Screw them all, they don't even know what happened. I can't be here and pretend that I love her when I'm thinking about him."

With clinical precision, Jo opened the door and swung it aside with a careless shove. "Are you coming inside?"

"I don't think that's such a good idea. Your dad-"

"He's not here. He had to fly to New York for a business meeting." Jo turned around and allowed the hockey captain the privilege of seeing her lower her façade. In the weak moonlight, her eyes glowed with the moistening of tears, each one of them pleading for love. "If I ask you something, will you do it?" The quiver in her voice was hard to miss. She took a step forward and flung herself against Kendall's body, feeling that much more devastated at his unresponsiveness. "Jo, what are doing?"

"Make love to me Kendall." She looked up and suffocated his stunned irises. "Love me like you love him. Please, I can't take all of this anymore!" Her lips moved forward and met his. Ice cold at first, her labial touch slowly melted him and drew him into the kiss. He hands allotted themselves on either side of his chest, teasing his body through the black softness of his suit. For one moment, she felt him return the zeal like he did before, but it passed as reality dealt its unforgiving hand. He gently pulled her off his form, feeling guilt well up inside of him. It was strange, but even kissing her felt like he was betraying Mitchell. "Jo, we can't."  
>"He's not here Kendall" she cried, drawing his body against her own once more. "If he really loves you, where is he now?"<p>

"But we can't sleep together" murmured Kendall faintly. "For one, we don't have protection."

"I don't care! Why is it so hard for you to even look at me?" Her hands gripped around him once more, causing his eyes to shut down. Logan used to place his hands where hers lay now. "Kendall" she whispered softly. "I love you. ONLY you. Show me that a little part of you still cares at least. Love me tonight, that's all I want from you."

**OK, so some really hectic things are happening! Leave a review and I might leave my other stories and concentrate on this one Don't forget, you are the reason why I do this so your comments really do help. Also, do you guys like the quotes I put in at the beginning of each chapter? Till next time guys ;)**


	22. Chapter 22

**Chapter 22: Let's Play Pretend**

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Big Time Rush or any of the characters. But I did manage to get one of their e-mail addresses! I don't think it's a personal account, but I still got it! It's posted on Carlos's Twitter account.

**Author's Note:** Yes faithful readers, I am alive! I wanted to write this story last week, but I got stuck doing some stupid project for work. For all you who consider studying chemical engineering, let me give you some advice: DON'T! This particular chapter is dedicated to my faithful friend Knightales who seems to be lost… where are you? I tried calling so many times! By the way, this chapter takes place five weeks after the last one, so sit back and please enjoy.

'Take a look at me now, there's just an empty space

There's nothing left here to remind me, just the memory of your face'

_Against All Odds_ by Mariah Carey and Westlife

"Katie, why don't you go play outside?"

"But Mom, I have to be here to get the details! Who else is going to write the letter to _The Jerry Springer Show_?"

"Katie, we have guests" laughed Jennifer nervously, giving the slightest slip of her head towards Jo and her father. The icy blue of David Taylor's eyes landed squarely against her own, incinerating a questioning path beneath her very skin. The Knight matriarch felt an irrepressible shudder cascade down her spine, confirming every detail Kendall had given her regarding the foreboding giant of a man sitting directly opposite her. His mere presence was enough to summon an anxious hush into the living, tearing down the atmosphere to miniscule shreds of panic. Only Katie's evergreen stubbornness seemed immune to his silent brutality. With a dignified shrug to regain her composure, Mrs. Knight indicated for her daughter to come closer. "You're not helping!" she hissed. A wave of auburn locks followed. "This is way better than what I watch on the tube. My own brother knocked up the most popular girl in Palm Wood High. What will happen to his illustrious reputation? Ooh, I smell TV pilot!"

"You know, I'm right here!" whispered Kendall wrathfully. A look of barely concealed venom erased the smile from his sister's lips. Two symmetric patches of furious blush heated his cheeks with an innate fury that came from five weeks of sleepless nights and thirty-five days of pondering the exact moment of where his life had taken that one drastic wrong turn. He didn't even make an attempt to stem the flow of the past from possessing what little psyche he had left – Logan Mitchell was just too much of a part of him to ever let go. A single truth had slowly revealed itself to the hockey captain over time, and he had grown to trust in it like a best friend. No matter what he did, he would never ever forget the shy bookworm who had sent him spinning into heaven and then hell. At first it was more of an oath to himself, but Kendall had gradually come to see it as a cold, hard fact. His destiny was tightly entwined with the brunette's, and he didn't ever want that to change.

"Go upstairs to your room and I'll let you have free reign with the Xbox" whispered Jennifer urgently. As badly as she felt about bribing her daughter, this childishness had to end. Right now, her worries were a bit more at her son's future than her daughter's gaming obsession, so it was easy to choose which took priority. A small relief cracked inside of her as she watched her daughter give her a smug grin before bolting up the stairs to the sanctuary of her room. How she wished she could escape as easily as her. "You have a very… persistent daughter" said Mr. Taylor flatly as he watched Katie race up the stairs excitedly. "You pick your words very well David" replied Jennifer with an equal detachment present in her voice. He turned to face her with an arched brow, almost reaching to the silvering spikes of hair on his head. Jennifer noticed his daughter's posture in comparison. While her father's indifference was hinted with burning wrath, Jo seemed to want the ground to swallow her up. One of her hands lay gingerly on her stomach, somehow complimenting the lost look on her face. Not once did she make eye contact with anyone present. Next to the brute force, she was rendered nearly invisible.

"OK, let's go over this one more time so that I wrap my head it. You two slept together on the night of the prom?" She turned to face her son, gaining a reluctant nod to her question. She raised her eyebrows. "Without protection?"

"Yes." The word barely threw itself out Jo's mouth but three sets of eyes had already snapped onto her. With an ethereal grace, she lifted her eyes from the ground to meet the hockey captain's face with a force that clawed at the air in his lungs. The pain that swam around in her eyes was more than tangible, it was possessive. If he wasn't already caught in his own storm, Kendall would have been completely overridden with guilt. "Without protection" he repeated softly. "We didn't think-"

"That's obvious" murmured David coldly. The blonde's forehead became creased with a frown. "We didn't think at all. We just did what came naturally; I don't know what else to tell you."

"Kendall, I think you're a bit more educated than that to come up with that kind of excuse" said Mrs. Knight seriously. Over and over her eyes wandered onto her son for a more concrete explanation, but his secret stayed resolutely in place. Neither his eyes nor his face betrayed his true emotion. "It's not an excuse" he said firmly. "We got caught up in the heat of the moment."

"Well that does it then" exclaimed Mr. Taylor bitingly. "Why don't we all just get 'caught up in the heat' and go ape?"

"Dad, you're not helping" said Jo faintly, placing a tender palm on her father's arm. He threw forth a cruel laugh before he turned to face her. "Is this what you threw your life away for? Him?"

"Your daughter's not exactly innocent herself" muttered the hockey captain darkly. David's head swung dangerously towards the blonde. "Say that again?"

"You heard me."

"YOU'RE the reason we're in all of this punk!" spat the older man viciously. "You're why my little girl is pregnant!" The hockey captain opened his mouth to reply, but a warning glance from his mother caused it to shut instantly. Jennifer took a deep breath in. "Where do you suggest we go from here David?"

"I don't want him near my daughter anymore. I can't control what happens in school, but as far I'm concerned the two of them are done."

"NO!" Jo's grip on her father tightened with a panicked urgency. David, taken aback by her screech of a protest, quickly hid his surprise under a tight frown. "Jo, look-"

"We were beyond stupid, I know and I'm sorry for that" she said thickly. "But this life inside of me, half of it is Kendall. I can't do this without him." Her eyes focused onto to the brooding figure of the hockey captain, quietly tending to the inferno of hate erupting inside of him. "I won't" she whispered, almost believing the fantasy she constructed.

-xoxoxoxoxo-

"Where's Logan?" asked Teddy, staring at the plate of ordered chicken curry in front of him. He lifted his head up to see a benignly smiling Marlene gaze at him with a knowing sympathy. "He already ate. He said he wanted to get an early start on studying for finals."

"Ah, I see." Teddy slowly pushed away his plate of food and stared expectantly at his wife. It had been five weeks since she had returned to the house. The image of her standing in the doorway behind a wall of luggage was still clearly emblazoned in his head. It had been raining that day, but the heaven's rain had been nothing compared to the reservoirs supplying her eyes with regretful tears. Teddy was sure that she had said something along the lines of 'wanting to restore their family', but his memory evaded the words. What it did latch onto was the deceit of her face. The sincerity was all a front – it didn't reach up to her eyes. The hollow chocolate of her irises laughed in victory instead of crying in humility. Even stranger was the fact that Logan seemed completely oblivious to his mother's theatrics. His resounding anger was displaced with a vague nonchalance, even a politeness coming about it all.

"Marlene, what the hell is going on here?"

"It's lunch dear. Ideally, not the best Indian restaurant I know of-"

"I'm talking about you and Logan. Over a month ago, you two were at each other's throats, remember? You wanted to divorce me because of his sexuality." His stomach gave a sickening twist as his wife laughed hollowly. "Oh darling, all water under the bridge."

"Tell me the truth Marlene, or else life here is going to become a living hell for the two of us." He leaned forward and looked deeply into her eyes, an aura of unadulterated fury exuding off his body. "What are you up to?" The vapid smirk eclipsed itself from Marlene's lips, replaced by a thin quivering line of Maybelline's most expensive scarlet lipstick. Her eyes narrowed to slits of cold jealousy. "We made a deal" she said in a silken voice. Teddy matched her icy demeanor with a burning rage. "A deal?" he repeated through gritted teeth. "What kind of deal?"

"He said that if I came back home, he wouldn't be… he wouldn't… he-"

"God, you can't even bring yourself to say it" whispered Teddy softly. "Our son is gay. He is who he is, and I accept him for it."

"Then you're an even bigger idiot than I thought" replied Marlene slowly. She arched a perfectly manicured eyebrow. "Do you really think that the world outside of this house is as accepting as you make it to be? Do you really think that everyone will accept our son for what he's become? People are cruel Teddy, you know it. You're not doing him any favors by encouraging all of this." Teddy smiled sadly. "You're right; the world's a terrible place. But at least my son will know that he can always count on his father to get him through all the difficulties. That's more than I can say for you."

"Excuse me?"

"Get out of my house."

-xoxoxoxoxo-

"Kendall-"

"Mom, I said I'm not hungry."

"You haven't eaten all day."

"If you're not eating, can I have your fries?" asked Katie melodiously. Her hand reached over to steal her brother's golden-kissed chips, but was unceremoniously slapped away by her mother. "Honey, you have to get something inside of you."

"Let Katie have it."

"Yeah, let Katie have it" said the youngest Knight loudly. Jennifer silenced her with a glance of rampant ferocity. "Kendall, please? Look, I know you're going through a hard time right now, but that's no reason to throw yourself away like this. Being a parent-"

"It's not mine."

"I'm sorry?" Kendall lifted his gaze from the floor to meet his mother's eyes with a blasting devastation. "The baby's not mine." A thunderstruck silence swept over the dinner table. Kendall felt the burn of stares eating away at his body, but he was used to it. By now, shock and heartache had become an integral part of him. Inside his body lay an empty shell that could only be complete by his beloved Mitchell. "Who's is it?" asked Jennifer faintly, dropping a chip from her hand onto her plate. Kendall threw her a small smirk. "James's."

"James? James is the father?" asked Katie incredulously, shoving her plate aside. "I was right, this would make a great TV show!"

"KATIE!" shouted Mrs. Knight angrily. She turned her attention to her son. "I don't understand, how does James fit into all of this?"

"He slept with her the day after the prom. I guess they… connected, excuse the pun."

"And you're OK with that?"

"I don't really care at this point Mom" murmured Kendall. He flicked his fingers morosely. "I don't love her."

"Kendall, you two have been together forever. What… what's going on here?" The hockey captain stared at her, appraising her every move. Looking back at him was the bewildered stare of a woman who had risked herself to fight his battles. She had been there for every step of his life, supported his every endeavor, and loved him without condition. She deserved to know. "I'm gay Mom." He watched in surreal detachment as her eyes widened; every fiber of her being numbed by the stunned revelations. Her body froze in its place, unable to even give a hint of movement. "Oh my God" said Katie excitedly. "My brother's a fairy; this HAS to be a TV show!"

**Hey guys, hope you liked this chapter. Please leave a review and tell me what you thought. I always look forward to them. Till next time! **


	23. Chapter 23

**Chapter 23: Grand Convergence, Part I**

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Big Time Rush or any of the characters.

**Author's Note:** Hey people, what's happening? It's certainly been a while. As always, I want to thank everyone who alerted and reviewed the last story, it really makes my day. Here's the next chapter, I hope you all like it.

'Love does not begin and end the way we seem to think it does. Love is a battle, love is a war, love is growing up.'

James A. Baldwin

Kendall ignored the nervous drumming of his heart against his chest as he stared at his room door. Soon, the minor aches in his splayed body would magnify, but it didn't matter. Right now, all he was concerned about was the woman who would walk through that door, the woman who had given him life… whom he had so shamelessly deceived. Whether she would accept him or not was not of concern at this point: what really mattered was that she knew. "You've really messed up this time Knight" he murmured.

With a cautious drone, the door slowly opened. A head of flaming auburn hair peeked in, as if unsure of this new territory. The blonde watched his mother without so much as blinking. His stare wasn't the intense gaze he wore whenever Logan crossed his mind. This one was far softer, begging their target to forgive their stupidity. In the five seconds it took for his mother to hesitantly place himself at the edge of the bed, ten million excuses ran through his head. "_I'm sorry Mom; I didn't know what I was thinking. I think I might have been abducted by aliens who replaced me with a doppelganger. It wasn't me._" His vision blurred slightly at the sickening speed from which his head spun. Short blasts of breath didn't help calm the rising nausea in his stomach. Right now, his destiny was in the hands of the woman he so lovingly called 'mom.'

"Well, I finally got your sister down to sleep" sighed Jennifer wearily. She gracefully flipped a luscious lock away from her face and gave her son a small smile. Kendall arched a suspicious eyebrow. "You really got her to bed?"

"More like locked her in her bedroom. She's cursing with every letter of the alphabet, did you teach her that?" The hockey captain shook his head silently. An ill-fitting silence slotted in between mother and son, testing both of their emotional reserves. In the discomfit of the quiet, the blonde lifted himself up to a sitting position with a nervous exhalation. "I'm really sorry Mom" he whispered, the sea green of his eyes averted to the polar white bed sheets. "For all of this." Jennifer let out another sigh. "Kendall, how did this all happen? You and Jo…everyone thought you would last forever."

"I did too. Funny how things work out, right?" He chuckled softly. Jennifer pursed her lips together. She couldn't put her finger on it exactly, but something about her son had changed since the last time they had an honest conversation. There was something darker about his demeanor – the burst of usual enthusiasm now carried a heavy undercurrent of a suffering too deep to express into words. "Kendall, what happened?" Her eyes watched with a fervent vigor, noticing the hockey captain's body give a small shiver. "Have you ever heard of Logan Mitchell?"

"No." A small grin played on the blonde's lips. "He was… this shy little guy, always with his head in the books. Kept to himself, never bothered anyone." He looked up at his mother, his eyes rounding into spheres. "We got paired up for this English project, and while we were working, he kissed me." Jennifer cocked her head forward bewilderedly. "He kissed you?"

"Yeah. At first, I was angry. I kept telling myself that I wasn't gay, and that it didn't mean anything." He shifted uncomfortably on the thick mattress. "Two weeks later I asked him to sleep with me." The redhead's mouth dropped in utter shock.

For several minutes, Jennifer Knight was unable to comprehend the unabashed blatancy of her son's request. This was so far from what she expected – or maybe what she had come to expect. "So what did he say?" she asked tentatively, following her question with several bats of her eyelids. Kendall turned his head to the side. "He didn't want to at first, but he agreed. That's how it started. We had sex almost every day."

"But" said Jennifer weakly, her blinks extended to short eye closures. "I always thought you were with Jo."

"I lied" breathed the hockey captain softly. "I had to. Being with him, it was like a drug. I couldn't give him up." The same small smirk appeared on his lips. "I fell in love, and it scared me like hell."

"Because you were scared about what people would think. You being one of the jocks at school, it would have looked bad if you left your girlfriend to be with another man." It was more of a statement than a question. At last, the redhead had some maneuvering ground into her son's warped life. The slight drop in the blonde's head confirmed it. "But I told him how I felt. I owed him that much at least. That day was perfect. I'd never seen him so happy."

"Were you happy?" Kendall snorted softly. "More than that. It was like heaven." He lowered his gaze again, feeling his old acquaintance of heartache break into him once more. "It didn't last. Jo found out about us, so he broke it off."

"You mean Logan?" Another nod. "Why didn't you break it off?"

"I didn't want to. I loved Jo, but I just… I needed him so badly." His body sunk back onto the seductive beckon of the mattress in one long exhalation. "I went over to his house that Friday. I tried to make him see how broken he left me, but he wouldn't listen. He asked me to forget about him and move on, but I didn't know how. I still don't know how." He sighed wistfully. "I asked him for one last time, one last chance to prove that I loved him. That just made everything worse."

"And Jo's pregnancy, which James is apparently responsible for?" The hockey captain uttered a cold laugh that bounced off the walls with eerie precision. "Not apparently Mom, for real. She asked me to take her home early, so we left early. And at her front door, she asked me to make love to her like I did with Logan. I couldn't go through with it. Even though we were over, it felt like I was betraying him. I couldn't even bring myself to kiss her back." The hockey captain clicked his tongue impatiently. "AT some point in the night, James showed up drunk as hell. Add one lonely girl – you can imagine the rest."

Jennifer took the silence as an opportunity to clear her head from the resounding chaos burgeoning in her head. True, this was a high school romance and there was bound to be some drama, but this much? It was no wonder to her that Katie saw potential in serializing this. Still, one thing bugged her. "Kendall, if this isn't your child, why are you taking responsibility?"

"Because there isn't anything left for me to do" said the blonde flatly. "Its _expected_ of me."

"OK, then answer me this. Do you honestly think that there is anything worth salvaging between you and Jo?"

"It doesn't matter Mom. The real love of my life is gone and he's not coming back."

"So why aren't you fighting for him?"

"I've tried" whispered Kendall hoarsely. "My head has wracked of every possible way for us to be together, but maybe my little bookworm is right. There's just too much working against us." Jennifer reached out and laid a sympathetic hand on her son's leg. "You know, when your father and I started dating, his mother was totally against it. She said she didn't want a 'gold-digging ginger weasel' laying her hands on her precious little boy and doing all sorts of nasty things that Jesus wouldn't approve of." The blonde sniggered. "Bet you loved that."

"Ooh, I got fired up alright. But then your father told her off one day. He said that he loved me, and that if she wasn't willing to accept it, then she should cut him out of her life forever. The old bitch disowned him the next day."

"I'm not sure that Dad is your best example."

"Look, the bastard may have abandoned us for that other woman, but he gave me you and your sister. That's more than I could ever ask for." She looked up at the ceiling thoughtfully. "Sometimes I think he left us because he missed that ancient bat. He couldn't handle her not being a part of his life. But I never ever doubted that he loves us. If there was the slightest opportunity, I'd think he'd come back."

"Mom-"

"The shortest distance between two points is a straight line Kendall. You know what you have to do – fight for him like mad, even though it may hurt like hell."

-xoxoxoxoxo-

'_Virgo (24 Aug. - 22 Sept.): You may be torn between your head and heart. This week's lunar eclipse sharply brings matters of duty and love to the fore – simply running away from the problem is not enough anymore. A choice must be made.'_

Logan felt the sudden urge to laugh at newspaper's lousy prediction. "Make a decision?" he thought darkly, feeling his faux smile cut right into his cheeks. "I already gave up the one good thing I had in my life to piece this family back together." The grin eventually faded as the icy breathlessness returned in his chest. "Kendall, stop doing this" he whispered, careful not to let his words reach any ears beside his own. It was irrational to let the blonde take all the blame for that blast of hurt he'd get whenever he crossed his thoughts – after all, he was the one who had resisted that beseeching plea for them to be together again. The past five weeks had gifted him with a wounding metamorphosis – Logan Mitchell could officially say that he had sunk to new lows. In addition to dealing with his epic heartache, the charade he carried out for his mother sucked what little will to live he had left. It was so tempting to scream out at her until his lungs collapsed, to loudly belittle her for her narrow-mindedness; but he didn't dare. He was too good a person for that: this wasn't for him, but for his father instead. Teddy Mitchell had unselfishly loved him for who he was, the least he could do was bring his wife back.

"Ready for school kiddo?" Teddy entered the kitchen, beaming from ear to ear. The bookworm rolled his eyes. "Yes Dad, I'm ready to go to kindergarten. Just let me finish pack my PB and J." The elder Mitchell let out a short laugh and reached out for the newspaper. Before he could even glance at the screaming headline about tax increases, he flipped his wrist and swept his eyes over his watch. "Damn its late" he muttered. "Hey, why don't I give you a lift to school today?" Logan frowned. "Won't that make Mom late?" The bookworm noticed his father's face turn several shades lighter. Teddy's lips thinned dramatically. "I don't think your mother's going to matter anymore."

"Why?" Logan stepped closer towards his father. Teddy sighed, avoiding all eye contact with his precious son. "I asked her to leave last night."

"You did what?"

"Logan, I would rather have the two of us roam this big house and have you just the way you are rather than be a family with that selfish shrew of a woman."

"She told you, didn't she?" said Logan softly. "She told you about the deal."

"Yeah she did. Why didn't you?"

"I thought that if she came back you'd be happy. We could have been a family again."

"But at the cost of you." Teddy lifted his head and met the mahogany eyes with a fierce affection. "Promise me that you will never change for anyone son. You deserve better than that, and I'm sorry your mother wasn't enough of a human being to accept that."

"Dad-"

"Promise me Logan" whispered Teddy, pulling his son into a protective embrace. Logan let out a short breath and gave into his loving hug. "I promise Dad."

-xoxoxoxoxo-

The first bell of the day was off from sounding across the school, but James had already started bobbing nervously on the balls of his feet. He wasn't used to feeling like this, but since he found out that his best friend had gone after the one woman who had sparked his interest, he hadn't placed a hint of anxiousness out of the equation. From his vantage point on the second floor row of lockers, he watched Jo Taylor slowly ascend the staircase in her newly acquired mournful grace. "I'm a dad" he contemplated, feeling an ethereal astonishment take over him as he watched the blonde beauty shake her light gold tresses from side to side. For him, that prom night wasn't a drunken mistake with his friend's girlfriend that was never meant to reach the point of conversation. This was a miracle of life – somewhere inside Jo was his son or daughter, waiting to fully form and enter the world with all the glory he or she deserved. It wasn't even the end of the first trimester, and already he'd fallen in love with the little fetus. The only question that remained was whether he'd be a good parent. The universe of James Diamond did not extend far beyond his own needs and desires: he couldn't even take care of himself, would he be able to provide for someone who would always trump what he wanted? He was so young, so unable to commit to anything fully. "This time, it'll be different, I know it. This is my kid." He smiled to himself. "God, it feels so weird to say that."

As she crossed the last of the stairs, Jo took a careful survey of the area before briskly heading over to where James was standing. "I am taking a huge risk being here with you" she hissed acidly, stopping right before the handsome giant. She did a quick survey of his face, feeling sickened at the vacant hope pouring from his face. If she really thought about it, James might not have been such a bad option had Kendall been absent from the situation. True, his intellect was less than desirable, but at least he was emotionally present. Ever since she had told him the product of their illicit affair, he had been there every step of the way. He called every night to find out how she was, and had even offered to go with her for the first sonogram. She didn't know whether he was being genuinely nice about this or simply feeling obligated to do something, but right now he was everything the hockey captain wasn't. "OK, I'll get to the point" he whispered softly. "I want to be a part of our kid's life."

"James-"

"Just listen, please." He took in a rattling inhalation of air. "Ever since I was a kid, I always got what I wanted. Maybe that's why I never take anything seriously, because I know that I'll get it in the end. But ever since you told me that…" The blonde beauty blinked at his lost trail. "I just really want this."

"You're not making this easy" murmured Jo, fearing that if she became anymore lightheaded, she may simply float away. James took a step forward, just enough for his voice to melt into her. "I know it's hard. And I know that he's pulling away from you. I'm not asking you to fall in love with me; I just want to be there for you."

"He's not pulling away… he's just busy."

"He's not a part of this. This is between you and me Jo."

"I still love him. And he'll always be a part of everything that I am."

-xoxoxoxoxo-

"Please take a look on the door to see your partner for this assignment" called Mrs. Heartwood, struggling to make her point over the joyous scrape of desks and chairs against the floors. "And I expect a little more effort on this one than your essays on _Animal Farm_!" Logan hastily packed away his stationery and books, not so much as daring to look behind him. Over the past five weeks, this had become a ritual for him to not look behind him. Focusing all his attention on the lectures, the brunette had given more intensity to English than any other of his subjects. One glance at the blonde sitting somewhere behind him would break his resolve completely. Life had come full circle for him –once again, he had returned to being an island than a human being. Even with Camille, he felt his loneliness chip away at him a little bit more every day. It grew worse on the weekends – with finals approaching soon, he was cooped up at home, forced to endure a farce of a family. "I can't believe she's really gone" he thought, letting his copy of _Hamlet_ slide from his fingers into his bag. Marlene's departure had left a scar on the family. Time would only tell whether it was for the better. "My own mother can't bring herself to love me. I must really be screwed up."

A tall shadow fell upon the brunette's desk, sending his heart plummeting through his stomach. He didn't need to look up to see who it was – he had studied the body over and over again. Given that the rest of the class had pretty much exited the room like a stampede of wildebeest, this could only be one person. "Hello Kendall."

"Looks like we're partners again" said the blonde. Logan looked up sharply. "You're kidding" he whispered softly. The hockey captain shifted uncomfortably on his feet. "Look, if you don't want to work with me, we can talk to Heartwood and get reassigned to other people." The bookworm saw the faintest streak of bleakness cross the green irises pouring into him. "What do you want?" he asked quietly, standing up. His eyes fell to their touching feet, trying desperately to fight off the helplessness. He should have known better by now – Kendall Knight could unknowingly mould him into whatever he wanted to. "I want you" whispered the blonde, wrapping his arms around the bookworm's waist. Logan's eyes flew upwards in a panic. "Someone-"

"I don't fucking care. I love you, and even if I have to be ridiculed in front of the entire school for doing that, then so be it." He allowed one of his hands to leave Logan's waist and placed it gently under his chin. "Did you know that Jo's pregnant?" The bookworm's breath shortened to quick pulses of air. "I-"

"James is the father."

"How… how?"

"Does it really matter?" He leaned forward and planted a velvet-soft kiss on the brunette's lips, moaning softly at the familiar sensation of being complete. Five weeks of hell boiled down to this, even this one kiss was absolutely worth it. Kendall's hold on his beloved grew tighter as he felt the brunette's body yield into his. Parting for air, the blonde lowered his head and let his teeth graze the silken skin of the bookworm's neck. "You have no idea of how much I need you Mitchell. I can't live without you, ever."

Logan shut his eyes. He had spent so much of energy trying to forget all of this, but it came back with such vividness that he didn't have time to rebel against it. If he just had Kendall, nothing else in the world would matter. They would pave their own path in life, one where everyone else faded to nothing. Before he could even tell the blonde that he loved him, his pocket emanated a strange vibration against his thigh. Reluctantly pulling away from the affectionate hold, he stepped back and fished a hand into his pocket. The chocolate irises narrowed at the name flashing on the screen: _Mom_. His lips parted slightly. What could she possibly want? To humiliate him further for his fondness for kissing hockey captains? No, this time she wouldn't hold this over him. This was his life, not hers, meant to be spent on what he wanted. His thumb shook as it pressed the green key. "Mom, I-"

"_Logan, Lo… Lo_" The voice on the side of the line choked up, unable to string his name together coherently. The brunette frowned. "Mom?"

"_It's your father_" she wailed, deafening her son's right ear. "_He's been in an accident!_"

**Wow, these two just can't catch a break! So you know what to do… hit the review button ;) Come on, you know you want to… review…**


	24. Chapter 24

**Chapter 24: Grand Convergence, Part II**

**Disclaimer:** Will they ever truly belong to us? I mean seriously, I'm waiting for the day one of us posts a message to say that they're dating one of them, sleeping with another and helping the other one with his career!

**Author's Note:** Hey guys, hope you all are doing well! A huge thank you to everyone who reviewed and added the last chapter to their story alerts, you guys rock! Here is the next chapter, hope you all like it this will be the last chapter of this story, and I would like to thank everyone who has read this story and gave your input and encouragement. It really has been a pleasure writing this story for you guys, and I hoped you've enjoyed it as much as I have. Please leave a review and let me know what you thought. If you're looking for more Kogan action (because as we all know, Team Kogan is the best!), check out my story _Always_ and stay tuned for some new stories coming out soon! Take care

'Damn it, what's wrong with you? You want revelations engraved in gold and angels coming down from heaven. But what if this is it instead? Me telling you that I love you, right here in snow? I think that's pretty miraculous.'

Christian Markelli from _Latter Days_

Tracy Adams was one of those hospital workers who had seen just enough of everyone else's problems to have her own sense of empathy worn down to a sarcastic nub. Eleven years of working the receptionist position, and she had pretty much seen it all, from the drunken ramblings of injured quarterback on game night to the hyperventilated 'oh my God, I'm so pregnant!' speeches coming from the head cheerleader that the quarterback knocked up. Given that she wasn't a very compassionate person to begin with, this job had really taken her cynical view to new heights, which is why she had little patience for the two young men staring at her impatiently. "Sir, the computer systems are slow today, what do you want from me?"

"Look, my father is here, he's been in an accident for God's sakes!" hissed the brunette one desperately. His eyes flashed continuously in panic. "Can't you fucking tell me where he is?" Tracy raised an eyebrow as his blonde companion placed a hand on his shoulder, as if to restrain his anxiety from bursting out of his body. The brunette hung his head dejectedly, taking heaving breaths to calm himself. It almost made Tracy want to cry, or at least cough sympathetically to relieve the awkwardness of it all. "You said your father's name was Theodore Mitchell?"

"Yes" whispered the brunette softly. Tracy took another look at the computer screen. "The search results are still loading. Take a seat over there and I'll call you when as soon as they come up" she said flatly, pointing towards the army of seats placed in the rolling atrium. The young man looked up at her and nodded curtly. "Thank you."

Kendall tenderly slipped the bookworm's hand into his own and slowly led him away from the reception desk to the nearest seat. Not once did he allow his sight to leave his precious lover's form, fearing he may melt away into all the despair consuming him right now. Logan had never been this fragile, not even in their numerous breakups – just touching him right now was enough to tell that the brunette was quivering uncontrollably. "He'll be OK Logan, I promise" said the blonde softly, rubbing his thumb across the milky palm he held so delicately. The bookworm lifted his head, nearly stealing his breath with the emptiness in his eyes. "You don't know that."

"No, but I have faith. And so should you." Logan withdrew his hand from the hockey captain's grasp, feeling his eyes sting with tears that were too miserable to even fall from his eyes. "He came around in the end. He accepted me." He stared longingly into the blonde's eyes, trying to express the words his heart had locked up. "He fought for me. If I ever lost him…" Logan took a shaky breath at his inability to complete the sentence. The hockey captain wrapped his arms around the brunette and pulled his head to rest against his chest. Through his sniffles, Logan heard the soft lullaby of the blonde's heartbeat do its best to assure him that everything would be alright. Almost instantly, he closed his eyes and found himself reliving endless minutes he'd spent like this. He let out a small shudder as he felt his locks press against each other under the blonde's lips. Kendall would never know how deeply he loved him: simple words would never tell of the unending ravels of emotion lying inside of him. He owed him an answer: 'yes, I want to be with you. I love you more than anything else, I swear.' He just didn't know how.

"Maybe you should call your mom" said Kendall gently, pulling the bookworm out from his thoughts. "She's already here; she'll tell you where he is."

"No" mumbled Logan, his words disappearing into the hockey captain's shirt. The blonde frowned bewilderedly. Pushing his lover away from his affectionate grasp, he gazed into the searing cocoa emotion staring straight back at him. "Why not?"

"I'd… rather not unless I really have to" uttered the brunette softly. He did not allow himself so much as a blink, preferring to bask in the blonde's presence. "We're kind of in a bad place at the moment even though we pretend not to be."

"I don't understand." Logan inhaled deeply, steeling himself against the butterflies pounding their way out of his stomach. "My dad wanted to divorce her because she wouldn't so much as look at me anymore. After I told her I was gay, things between the two of us fell apart so badly. Dad tried playing mediator, but she just couldn't see me for the person I was. Eventually she left the house." Kendall let out a low whistle of surprise, to which the brunette responded with a small laugh. "It gets worse" he whispered hoarsely. "And because I'm the world's biggest idiot, I go to her and tell her that if she came back, I'd pretend to be straight." The hockey captain pursed his lips together thoughtfully. The undulating fluctuations of sexuality weren't exactly his forte, but he didn't need a psychology degree to see what was happening. In his own hurtful way, Logan couldn't bear to see his family torn apart, so he broke his own heart instead. "You did what you thought was right" he said softly. His hand bridged the distance between them and caringly landed itself on the bookworm's back, rubbing concerned circles into the cotton shirt. Logan bit his lip, nearly drawing blood. "I don't know anymore. She's my mother and I'm supposed to love her, but…" He looked into Kendall's eyes for an answer through all the concern he felt radiating back at him. "I keep making stupid deals and ending up getting screw all for it."

"Well, I wouldn't say all of them were stupid" smiled the blonde. He laughed as the bookworm raised a puzzled eyebrow. "If we hadn't made that deal, I would have fallen in love with the guy sitting next to me right now." Logan snorted out a short chuckle. "What bad movie did you pick that line up from?"

"Don't like it?"

"It could use a little work." The brunette, despite his head telling him not to, wrapped his lips into a curve and gave the hockey captain a small smile. Time and space distorted themselves as he started to lose himself in the affection billowing through those sea green shards of eyes. Somehow, through all the pain piercing right through his body, he felt an inexplicably feisty piece of hope that reinvigorated him. His head screamed that he should know better, that this feeling always came before a descent into his private niche in hell, but he didn't care. He needed this, needed him, like a drug. He wanted to disappear into Kendall and never let go of him, and together they would escape every single obstacle that dare come between them. The hockey captain was more than his life – he was his soul, his very breath. He was the reason why love could feel so good and hurt so bad simultaneously, why his world spun around in excitement every time they were together like this. 'You're my everything' he wanted to say, feeling his breath synch up with that of his lover's. His ears heard nothing but the rampant dance of his own heart. How he wished he could lay lips on the blonde's mouth and let his kisses say everything he couldn't. 'Ever since I met you, I've held nothing but love for you. I want you, now until forever. Be mine Kendall, only mine.' Logan blinked away the mist clouding his eyes. "I lo-"

"Sir?" Logan turned sharply to see the hospital receptionist place her hand on her hips impatiently. He immediately leapt to his feet with a hammered urgency. "Do you know where he is?"

"OR 3 on the second floor, but he's about to be transferred to ICU 5 on the fourth. He just came out of surgery so he'll be knocked out for a while."

"How… how bad is he?" Out of the corner of his eye, the bookworm saw Kendall stand up protectively. The receptionist peered quizzically at them. "A couple of lacerated arteries, so they had to patch that up. He should make a full recovery within a month or so." She narrowed her eyes. "Are you two queer?"

"Why yes we are" said Kendall, smiling at her dementedly. He blinked a couple times for effect. The brunette shifted uncomfortably on his feet for a few seconds before turning towards the receptionist. She almost smiled at the rosy blush on his cheeks, but seemed to think better of it and retracted her mouth into straight line. "Thank you" said the bookworm with a nod. He turned to the hockey captain with a worried look on his face, barely noticing the receptionist walk away. Kendall pouted his lips playfully. "Don't tell me you're upset because of that."

"No, no. Maybe you should go back to school Kendall, they'll put this against your record."

"Please tell me you're not serious" said the blonde with a sardonic roll of his eyes. The brunette shook his head. "I don't want you to be here because you feel sorry for me."

"I'm here because I love you Mitchell, and I'm not going to let anyone tell me different. Not even you." He leaned forward and planted his lips on the bookworm's nose. "I'm in too deep for you to ever get rid of me."

"Promise?" The hockey captain gazed intensely into the mahogany love watching him ever so possessively. "I swear on my life."

-xoxoxoxoxo-

"I get it now" said the blonde knowingly, shattering the uncomfortable silence between him and the bookworm. Logan paused on the landing between the second and third floor and turned around to give the hockey captain a mystified stare. "What are you talking about?"

"You wanted us to take the stairs because you're trying to drag this out." Kendall took the final few steps to the white platform, standing firmly in front of the brunette. "Do you really want to avoid her that badly?"

"You don't know what you're talking about."

"Logan, she's your mother. You'll have to face her at some point."

"It's not that simple." Logan sighed impatiently. The blank look on the blonde's face really irked him: it meant that he wouldn't let go of the matter, irrespective of how deep it cut. "If this was your father, wouldn't you do the same thing?"

"Probably, but you can't compare the two."

"And why not?" asked Logan, gracefully side-stepping Kendall to continue his journey to the fourth floor. The hockey captain followed with Labrador-like enthusiasm. "Because he wasn't ever a part of my life. Your mom was a part of yours."

"She tried so hard to break me down Kendall" said the brunette acidly, now taking two steps at a time. "She never once saw me for the person I was." He let out a coercive snort. "I was nothing more than grades to her." The bookworm stopped once more, this time due to the tight grip around his wrist. He didn't turn around, knowing he'd break down utterly if he did. "Do you love her?" came the beckoning silk of a voice behind him. Kendall Knight knew too much about him to simply let him be in peace. "I don't know anymore" said Logan quietly. "And I think its for the better if it stays that way."

Throughout the rest of the journey to the fourth floor, Kendall kept stealing side glances at the bookworm, waiting for any change in his stilled demeanor. Logan's face looked like it was carved out of ice at the moment, but the hockey captain knew that inside lay a molten pool of despair, just waiting for an escape. It wasn't fair at all – the brunette had been through hell in such a short space of time, surely he deserved even a little ounce of happiness? As they ascended to the third floor, the blonde studied the bookworm with intense detail: eyes downcast, feet moving like traffic and lips set in a firm, thin line. The perfect moving statue. "Why can't he see that he's not alone in this?" thought the blonde irately. "Isn't it obvious that I'm not going anywhere?" Immediately, he wished he hadn't contemplated it. It wasn't a complete truth: in their time together, he had been anything but a stable rock in Logan's life. How many times had he embraced and abandoned his love? "And while one parent's in hospital, the other hates him for just falling in love with someone he wasn't meant to. Not exactly a pretty picture." Taking in the monotonous colors of the perfectly tiled walls, the hockey captain pondered upon his own luck. His own family had been so accepting in contrast to what he saw in the Mitchells. Sure, Katie thought the entire thing was one big joke, but his mother instinctively understood how far his heart had fallen for the unassuming academic trailing in front of him. If it wasn't for her, he was certain he wouldn't be here now. "Thank you Mom" he reflected to himself. "I owe you one."

After what seemed like decades of silence, the pair finally took the first step onto the gleaming white floor of the hospital's ICU level. There seemed to be an almost detached air to it, as if it part of some other plane other than the human realm. Apart from the occasional murmur between the nurses, not a single sound echoed in between the halls. A few visitors sat in the sparsely furnished waiting area, but they seemed too trapped in their own misery to even notice anyone else. "This is literally between life and death" whispered the bookworm, feeling a dreaded awe crawl up his spine. It seemed so clinical to say so, but there was no other way to put it: here, no gray area existed here. People either lived or died, plain and simple. "Remember, the receptionist said he'd make a full recovery in about a month" said the hockey captain softly. Logan nodded. Kendall took a step forward, gladly closing the distance between their bodies. "ICU 5's down the hall" he said, pointing towards the last door on the hallowed corridor. "We should go."

"Wait." The brunette turned around to face the blonde, keeping himself focused on his emerald gaze. "I want… I need you to stay here."

"What? Why?" Logan let his hands fall to his sides helplessly. This was so hard to put into words – he hated himself for dragging Kendall into this unnecessarily. This mess was his to clean up, no one else's. "You were right. I am avoiding her. It's what I've done my entire life."

"Logan-"

"But not anymore" continued the brunette. "I need to this alone."

"Why do you always think that you're alone in everything?"

"Because it's the only way I know how to deal with this." He turned his head around to glance at the door again before returning to his original position. "If you want to go, I'll understand. You've done so much already."

"Hey, stop talking like that." The hockey captain gently cupped the brunette's face with his open palm. "I'll always be there Mitchell. You can't lose me so easily." Logan laughed quietly. "OK, then when I get back, I need to tell you something."

"I'll be waiting." The bookworm leant forward and placed his lips against the blonde's expectant cheek. It amazed him how a simple kiss like this could be so addictive when Kendall was involved, but then again, what part of him wasn't?

-xoxoxoxoxo-

Logan's world came to a standstill the minute he entered the eerily airy confines of ICU 5. Nothing but the repetitive beat of a heart monitor disturbed the atmosphere. Along with his feet, the brunette's eyes were instantly drawn to the bed on the far end of the room, away from the shards of sunlight breaking through the grey blinds guarding the window. Each slow step seemed to bring him closer to the bandaged gladiator lying in the bed, oblivious to the whirlwind his injuries had created to his loved ones. Every single second burnt a new detail into Logan's head: the bandages around his father's chest, the IV drip filled with the thickest, ruby blood, even the way his chest heaved up and down to take in small pockets of air. The bookworm's savior lay before him, so surreally defeated. His mere, broken presence numbed his son's heart in icy cascades, rendering it unable to even beat once without having to cause a gasp for air. As he reached his destination, Logan stretched out his hand and tenderly entwined his father's fingers into his own. They were still warm, still sparking full of the same glory they had when he last saw him. "Dad" whispered the brunette, feeling his voice catch painfully in his throat. "Dad, please."

"It doesn't seem real, does it?" Logan looked up to see his mother stand on the other side of the bed, standing guard like a loyal sentry. It took the brunette a few seconds, but he realized that her face was completely bare of its usual vanity. For the first time, Marlene Mitchell allowed her expression to be dominated by etchings of grief and not layers of makeup and jewelry. "I've slept beside him for so many years, and he's never looked this peaceful. It's like he's dreaming for the first time" she whispered achingly. The bookworm bowed his head. He reminded himself that she too was affected by this, in spite of her actions, and he had to respect that. "What did the doctors say?" he asked softly. Lowering his eyes to Teddy's serene face, he heard his mother let out a small choke of emotion. "They said the paramedics told them he was on the phone when it happened. It was at a stop street and the other driver lost control and collided head on." She shook her head. "It could have been so much worse" she said, her voice quivering in between its normal register and the higher octaves of sorrow. "He could be gone."

"When will he wake up?"

"Not for a while. The doctor said it might only be tomorrow or the day after."

"Not very exact for people with medical degrees" muttered the bookworm quietly. Marlene gazed upon her son and husband, a clear outsider to the affection they shared. She understood that she had only herself to blame, but that didn't make it hurt any less. "Logan?"

"Yeah?"

"Do you hate me?" The bookworm turned to face her, his face swept blank by her question. "If you're looking for an honest answer, I don't have one."

"And a dishonest answer?"

"I don't have that one either." She sighed wistfully. "Logan, you are my own flesh and blood. Ever since they put you in my arms, I've felt nothing but love for you and wanted nothing but the best for you. Even now." She dropped her gaze. "But I can't condone what or how you choose to live. I'm not as big a person as your father."

"I understand" said Logan softly. His grip around Teddy's hand tightened slightly. Marlene took a final glance at her husband, feeling an inexplicable emotion wrap itself around her. "You deserve better than me Logan. You both do."

"You're leaving, aren't you? For good."

"Yes" said Marlene, making her way out from the corner and into the freeing space of the room. Logan shut his eyes, feeling his head swim. A single tear trickled its way down his cheek, burning its miserable path into the skin beneath it. "Mom, don't do this, please."

"I have to. For all our sakes." She stepped along to the door, before stopping momentarily. "When your father wakes up, tell him I'm sorry." With a swift swing of the door, she let her heels echo themselves out of the Mitchell family once and for all. Logan kept his eyes closed, hearing even the faintest steps of his mother as she left. "I love you Mom" he whispered, letting his words fill the void left behind inside of him. Marlene had given him the greatest gift she could: she set him free.

-xoxoxoxoxo-

Kendall sighed as he briefed through the medical journal. So far, the studies on kidney dialysis and heart transplants had failed to entrance his attention away from his precious bookworm, and the deathly hush of the ICU floor didn't help much. "Who knew he could be more stubborn than me" he thought, unceremoniously tossing the aged journal back onto the coffee table in sitting area. He lowered himself into the low hung seat and let out a weary blow of breath. "I know I'm being selfish for wanting an answer from him at a time like this, but I can't help it." A tendril of fear escaped inside of the blonde's stomach, giving rise to a bolt of adrenaline surging through his body. The last thing he wanted to do was close his eyes, for even a moment, and find that Logan would disappear from his life. If he had learnt anything in the past six months, it was that the heart would always want what it wanted, and it would stop for no one. He wanted nothing more than to give the brunette the escape he had been searching for – love. "Just the two of us… free from all of this." A childish smirk wrapped around his lips. The idea of them leaving the life they had here seemed so farfetched, and yet so refreshingly exciting. "It's not completely crazy… I mean, we're off to college next year. We could seriously do it." He shook his head, hardly daring to believe the thoughts running through it. It seemed that Logan Mitchell would always make him just a little bit insane.

"Mind if I take a seat?" asked a gruff voice. The owner didn't wait for an answer. The hockey captain's mouth opened as he saw David Taylor throw himself into the chair next to him with an irate force. The older man dusted his pants with his hands before giving the blonde a small grin. "Close your mouth boy, you'll catch flies. Although, this is the cleanest place I've ever seen in a while."

"Mr. Taylor-"

"I think you've known me long enough to call me David."

"OK, uh, David; what are you doing here?" The older man's smile instantly vanished. The blonde quickly noticed that his face carried a weathered tiredness about it; every wrinkle in his face seemed that much more pronounced. "You're not here because of Jo, are you?" he asked as his icy eyes bored into the blonde. Kendall shook his head. "Is something wrong?"

"She was in a car accident."

"What? How?"

"I'm not too clear on the details. All I know is that the other guy's in ICU 5." Kendall's insides turned to ice as he processed what happened. This had to be out of some bad movie, this couldn't be happening. "Thank God she's not hurt too badly." The hockey captain lifted his head to face David's sapphire shards once more, feeling his body grow weak in its nonchalant throne. "What about the baby?" He gazed tensely as the other man let out a long-drawn breath. "It looks like I'm not going to be a grandfather after all." Kendall's stomach gave a sickening lurch. Either this was a cruel case of statistics, or God must really have a vendetta against him. Once again, he was torn. "Mr. Taylor… I mean David, there's something I have to tell you."

"That you're not really the father? That you covered for her? I already know, she told me this morning." He laughed softly. "She also told me about the 'troubles' you two were having. I have to say, I never pegged you for the other team. Guess my judgment of you has been a bit off lately." He stared up at the ceiling thoughtfully, allowing himself to be blinded by the sharp burst of fluorescent lighting. "I never believed it until about fifteen minutes ago when I saw you with that other boy. You had that same look on your face you used to have when you were with her." He returned his attention to the hockey captain with a vaguely miserable mask cast on his face. Kendall shifted uncomfortably in his seat. "You're mad at me" he said flatly, flinching as David cocked his head. The older man rolled his eyes. "Maybe. She's my little girl, and I'll gladly murder anyone that hurts her with my bare hands." Kendall lowered his eyes dejectedly. "What I did was wrong, and I've put myself through hell for that. But I'm not going to apologize for falling in love with him." Mr. Taylor nodded smilingly. "I've never told anyone this but Jo's mother and I were never meant to get married. I mean, we used to date, but her father arranged her engagement with one of my best friends. I think it was meant to be some business deal. We tried ignoring our feelings, but we couldn't help how we felt. We were young and so incredibly stupid. We didn't get why we couldn't be together." Kendall gave him a small smirk. "I can relate."

"Anyways, I snuck up to her room with a bottle of tequila the night before the wedding. We got drunk like hell and one thing led to another. The morning after was hell on our heads, but we both knew what we had to do... and hey, the other woman in my life came nine months later." A nostalgic look overcame the piercing blue flakes in David's eyes. "If we didn't fight the world we knew, we never would have had the life we had. Those two gave me the best years a man could ever ask for."

"I'm sure there's more to come."

"Well, let's hope New York's more forgiving than L.A. is" grinned David impishly. Kendall frowned. "New York?"

"She needs a fresh start Kendall. It's too painful for her to be here and clearly your heart's not with her." The older man clicked his tongue impatiently. "I'm sorry. That was-"

"The truth? It's OK, I deserve it." He watched David lift himself from his seat and face him with a deep, unreadable gaze. "Can I see her?"

"I think she'd like that." David glanced around, letting out a low whistle. "Have a good life Kendall. I really hope that you find what you're looking for." The hockey captain let out a tiny chuckle. "I already have."

-xoxoxoxoxo-

Logan shuffled his feet down the hall to the waiting area, feeling his balance set of by a tight uneasiness coming from somewhere inside him. To say that today was one unexpected surprise after another was putting it mildly: it was as if some divine force decided to store every possible shock known to humanity and cram it into this one, lousy day. His head point blank refused to stop spinning from all the disbelief clouding in it. "She's really gone" he thought darkly, keeping his eyes firmly fixed on the floor. He pondered upon his mother's last words. "It really is for the best, but how do I tell Dad that his wife of forever isn't coming back?" He tried shaking his head to chase away the fatigue, but it held onto him even more tightly. If he really did stop and think about it, his mother's departure boded nothing but liberation for him. "I guess she came through in the end… sort of. I just wish she really could find it in her heart to love me, but I guess you can't have everything." Logan allowed himself a small grin. No doubt, the hockey captain would be over the moon to find out what he had to say. "This is it. No more drama, no more goodbyes – we owe this to ourselves."

Lifting his head with a small jubilation, Logan peered out into the sitting area to see the blonde watching an older man disappear into the spacious trappings of the elevator. He frowned bewilderedly as he continued his ever-unhurried path to the blonde. "Give him enough time, and he'll make friends with anyone" he thought amusedly. "Well, either that or irritate the living daylights out of them." He searched deep inside himself for one more burst of energy to hasten his trudge. The hockey captain seemed too interested in the elevator's shut doors to notice the brunette sneak up on him. Logan lowered his head to near Kendall's ear. "Miss me?" he whispered softly. "More than you'll ever know." The blonde's voice came out as a longing moan, practically music to the bookworm's ears. He envied the energy the hockey captain wielded to leap out of his seat, when all he wanted to do was slip away into the world. He watched as Kendall's face gave a quick smile before vanishing into a blank slate. "How is he?"

"Not as bad as it could have been. He's K.O'ed at the moment, but they said he'll should be waking up in about a day or two."

"And your mom?" Logan exhaled deeply, nearly collapsing his lungs. "She left."

"Like to go back home?"

"No, forever." Kendall arched his eyebrow quizzically. "Just like that?"

"Yeah, I don't get it either, but it's what she wanted." He contracted his eyes thoughtfully. "Actually, its kind of what I wanted too." With a sharp quiver of his head, he focused his attention back on the hockey captain. "You seemed pretty interested in that guy over in the lift. Do you know him?"

"I do" answered the blonde, lowering his gaze to the floor. His bounced on the soles of his shoes uncomfortably. "That guy was Jo's father." At once, the brunette's heart displaced itself several notches in his chest. "What's he doing here?"

"Jo was the other driver in your dad's accident Mitchell." Logan's eyes glassed over in an unfathomable shock. This had to be the final nail in the coffin. Of all the days for God to have a sick sense of humor, he had to pick THIS day in HIS life! "This is… so …"

"Tell me about it."

"Wait, you said she was-"

"She lost the baby" said Kendall quietly. Logan's eyelids slowly cascaded over his eyes. The lethargy pouring all over his brain seemed to quadruple in its strength and beckon him to simply fall over to the floor. "Dear God, this can't be happening" he murmured. He rubbed his forehead anxiously. "If I ask you something, will you do it?" asked Kendall slowly. Each word of his sentence seemed hesitant to come out, afraid of how they might be taken. A familiar pang of worry set off in his stomach, but he had to ask. This was the first step in ensuring their happily ever after, and he'd be damned if he didn't take it. He watched the brunette heave in a breath. "What is it?"

"I think we should go see her."

-xoxoxoxoxo-

Even though the nurses at the ICU floor were a hell of a lot friendlier than the receptionist they encountered that day, the hockey captain couldn't help but feel that he had somehow coerced the bookworm into a trial by fire. Once again, a perturbed silence fell in between the two of them as neither one was able to talk: Kendall through a burning guilt, and Logan through a quiet despondency. "Please Mitchell, just bear through this with me. You'll see, things will be so much better on the other side of this." This time, he couldn't bring himself to turn around and take a deep look into the mahogany pools watching his every move with hawk like precision – he was afraid he'd back out of this if he did. Praying for courage to face the one he thought he loved, Kendall slowly led the brunette down the other passage and to the one who'd they so utterly betrayed.

With quiet push of the turquoise door, the hockey captain jerked his head for the brunette to lead the way this time. It could have been his own paranoia, but he could feel a powerful melancholy emanate from his lover's gaze, speaking in encyclopedias of sadness. He hid the shiver that the bookworm's melting gaze sent through him, and reminded himself that even in sadness like this, there was still hope to be found. Sensing Logan stop two steps ahead of him, he turned to the sight that was facing them and felt his heart plummet through the floor. Staring straight at them was a shadow of what his ex-girlfriend used to be, a delicate fairy in a hospital gown that looked like she could be broken by the air itself. One of her legs was wrapped around in a bandage, while the other started to twitch nervously. Through the thin material of the gown, they saw a cylinder of bandages wrapped around her stomach. Her eyes looked at both of them fearfully, robbing them of breath. Neither of them needed to know what the other was thinking – this was their fault.

Logan turned around to look at the hockey captain, unsure of what to do. Logic dictated that he shouldn't feel anything for the girl lying there in the bed, but his heart bled for her. Her life and love were stolen from her, and he had to accept some responsibility in that. Encouraged by a single nod of the head, the brunette headed over to the bed. "Jo, I'm so sorry."

"It's not your fault" she replied. Her tone was soft and broken, nearly sweeping the bookworm back into his hell. Logan looked at her carefully. "Look, I know you hate me-"

"No, I don't." She cocked her head to the side, letting her sunshine locks fall off her shoulder. "I used to but… in the end, it all boiled down to what I couldn't accept."

"He really does care about you. I don't think he'd be here if he wasn't." She smiled sadly. "It doesn't matter now Logan. I'm leaving L.A."

"Jo-"

"I want to forget my life here. Simple as that." Logan gave her a tiny smirk of his own. "I'd ask why, but I think today's been one of those days were it wouldn't matter, would it?"

"Not at all." The brunette noticed her eyes travel past in and land on the hockey captain, still waiting at the door. "I guess I'll leave you two alone" he said smilingly, turning around.

"Logan?" The bookworm turned around, dying once more at the beauty's shimmering eyes. "Take care of him" she whispered. Logan nodded. "Always."

With a final glance, the bookworm turned around and headed towards Kendall with a slight curve of relief twisted around his lips. "You know that thing I wanted to tell you?" he whispered softly. The hockey captain's head slipped into a knowing dip. "Don't worry about it for now."

"But-"

"After you talk to her, I want you to go home and rest."

"And what about you?"

"I'll stay here in the hospital. I can't go back home, not yet anyway." The hockey captain raised his eyebrows in surprise. "You're not giving me much of a choice here, are you?"

"Not at all" chuckled the brunette quietly. He leaned forward and let his lips gently caress the flushed heat of the blonde's cheeks. "I'll see you tomorrow." With a final, warm flourish of his eyes, the brunette pushed the door open and walked into the corridor, leaving the hockey captain staring in his wake bemusedly.

"You didn't have to come." The voice was faint, hesitant as it sang through his ears. The hockey captain turned around and briskly walked over to the bed. The green in his eyes blazed with consternation. "How could I not come?"

"Because soon, I wont be a part of your life anymore." Kendall lowered his gaze to the soft white cotton sheets, wishing they could answer for him. "Jo, despite how it ended, I think you and I have too much history between us to ever forget each other."

"Tell me that in five years." Kendall let out a laugh, feeling the atmosphere lighten between them considerably. There was something about Jo Taylor that still wound him up like a puppy, but this time it wasn't her love – it was her grace to have been dealt such a bad hand and still come out with an ethereal beauty. "Jo… I'm… I'm so sorry for what I did to you" whispered the hockey captain hoarsely. "Do you love him?"

"Yeah."

"Then I understand. And hey, the boys in New York aren't that bad." She gazed down at her bandage-clad abdomen and gently stroked her stomach tenderly. "Guess this is for the best after all" she sniffed, wiping her eye. "I have to tell James."

"I'll tell him."

"No, I have to do it" she said softly, still gazing down at her belly. "Kendall, I want you to know that I'll always love you." She looked up at him, tearing his gaze apart with her own. "Even after all of this."

"Jo, I-"

"You don't have to say anything" she smiled waveringly. "I just want you to know that." The hockey captain reached out over the bed railings and pulled her body close to his own in the most honest of embraces they ever shared. He felt the tiny shivers of her body pass into his own, unable to tell where own cries ended and his tears began. It would be hard to see her go- she had been too large a part of him for too long to simply lock every memory they ever shared in a box and forget about it. This was his first step out of the shadows that had held him back and into the light of truly loving his bookworm. He had taken it, without shame or dishonesty, and passed it with flying colors.

-xoxoxoxoxo-

**The next day**

Teddy glared around the still room, virtually burning everything that came into his line of sight. He was a man of action, someone who did not do well to be confined to a bed with cuts and bruises of varying pains smothered all over his body. The doctors may have been happy with his quick recovery from the painkillers and anesthetic, but he wished for nothing more than to sleep this entire hospital pit stop away, or at least a pleasurable drowsiness. His dreamless slumber had broken just after midnight, allowing him plenty of time to give innumerable tosses and turns in his confines. Narrowing his eyes at the faint sunlight shifting through the blinds, his mind wandered back to his son. He considered asking the nurse on duty to phone home and asking Logan to take a cab and keep his restless father company, but as with the million other times, his selflessness trumped over his need for sanity. Both his doctor and a bevy of nurses had given him testimony to the brunette's constant vigil by his bedside, silently suffering in his misery until they insisted he go home and rest. "Poor guy must be out of his head with worry" thought the graying Mitchell, rubbing his fingertips together edgily. "I'll guess I'll have to stick it out until later in the morning."

Settling into the thick comforter for one more attempt at sleep, Teddy cricked his neck at the quiet push of the door opening. "Note to self, don't do that until fully healed" he winced mentally, cringing at the burst of pain rushing through his body. He opened his eyes to see a tall young man stand near the doorway. The soft blonde bangs of his hair barely covered the registering surprise in his eyes as he froze where he stood. He seemed unsure of what he was doing there, somewhat like Logan in his younger days. Teddy arched an eyebrow. "Um, hello?" he said uncertainly, hoping the boy would disappear and allow him to fall back to sleep. "Uh… hey" was the nervous reply. He walked forward at fearful pace, almost as if he was afraid that the older man would tear his head off at any moment. "I didn't think you'd be awake so soon."

"Unfortunately, neither did I" sighed Teddy. He appraised his visitor from head to toe in careful detail. "Are you sure you have the right room?"

"Oh, that's right, you don't know me." The blonde extended his hand with a shaky smile. "I'm Kendall Knight." Teddy frowned. "Why does your name sound so familiar?"

"I'm Logan's… friend; I guess would be a good euphemism." The older man's mouth opened in a sliver of surprise before breaking out into a knowing smile, throwing the boy off completely. "So you're the one my son keeps pining for."

"I don't know if 'pine' is the exact term, but yeah, I guess he does love me."

"Guess? Come on, give yourself a little more credit than that" smiled Teddy. "In all my years, I've never seen anyone quite so lovesick as Logan."

"The feeling's mutual" murmured the boy quietly. He shifted on his feet, not out of nervousness, but of a difficulty to convey the burgeoning emotion in his heart to the outside. "Mr. Mitchell, I'm here because I have to say something to you." He made sure his sparkling green eyes met Teddy's wiser ones. "I love your son, and I hope to God he feels the same. I can't live without him, I can't take a single breathe without him. He's-"

"Your world? The reason why the sky is blue?"

"All that jazz." He flashed a considerate grin. "It would really mean a lot to me if you would give us your blessing to be together."

"Kendall, can I ask you something?" Worry streaked across the blonde's face. "Sure."

"Why do you teenagers always ask for things you already have?" Kendall raised his eyebrows. "You mean-"

"On one condition. Promise me you'll never break his heart. My son's happiness is my everything."

"I swear it."

-xoxoxoxoxo-

Logan tilted his head in confusion when he saw the hockey captain waiting for him outside the doors of ICU 5. His lips quivered somewhere between a concealed smirk and a straight line, like a child just waiting to share some treasured discovery. "Kendall, what are you doing here?"

"Waiting for you" he stated loudly as if it were the most obvious thing in the world. "What took you so long?"

"Why aren't you in school?"

"Because you're not there." The blonde turned around and took a peek through the glass squares sitting in the door. "He's awake."

"Yeah, I called the hospital before I came over. You're still not answering my question." Kendall stepped closer to the bookworm and wrapped his arms around his waist, pulling him closer. He felt Logan's heart pulse out in response to his touch, a tattoo waiting to be tamed. This was all he wanted, all he could ask for. "I have to tell you something."

-xoxoxoxoxo-

**Epilogue**

The brunette smiled as he stared at the crumpled paper through the glass frame. He had done his utmost to preserve it, but ultimately the march of time had the last say. "I should have done it sooner" he thought, staring at the last words inked onto the paper. _I love you Mitchell, and I'm not letting you go. Ever._ It had been six years since had read those words. Well, not him exactly – a younger, more abrasive Logan, teetering on the edge of teenage love and angst. He still hadn't gained the wisdom he wanted to from the world, but at least he now he was secure of where he stood in it: no greater nor lesser than anyone else, but loved unlike any other.

"Your dad called" whispered a soft voice into his ear. Logan laughed as he felt a pair of hands rest lightly on his hips, instantly evoking a quiet moan in his throat. "Is he still enjoying Florida?"

"Enough not to visit until next week. I think he likes the atmosphere there."

"No, he likes the bikinis." A small chuckle sounded melodiously into the air before a pair of lips slowly worshipped the nape of his neck in feather light contact, just enough to send a pleasurable spark down his spine. He lost himself further into the embrace, never wanting to leave. "I can't believe you kept that all these years" said the blonde in between his kisses. Logan let his hands caress the ones already sweeping across his body. "It's the first letter you ever wrote to me. It was the first time I really knew."

"Knew what?"

"Like you even need to ask Kendall. You already know." The brunette turned around and faced the blonde, hardly believing that those eyes staring back at him could be called his own. Six years of bliss had slipped by so fast; it almost erased the torment they went through in getting here. The time was theirs and only theirs. They didn't need to say it because they were too lost in the other person to ever come apart again. This was more than heaven; this was their truth they had created together, from now until forever. "I love you."

**~~~THE END~~~**


End file.
